Women Troubles

[Clearing the Eye]

Women are not some weird non-human race who fart rainbows and piss wine.

If you ever meet a woman capable of doing that, you give her my number.

 

[someonehairy-ish]

You sound a lot like I was a few years ago. But there is hope! -

Personal issues cause problems too. Most people will tell you I'm quiet and reserved - I don't speak unless I feel its important, or its to question/investigate a topic at hand.

That isn't necessarily a problem. Quiet types can come across as more thoughtful or mysterious, which some girls prefer to louder folks. That said, more confidence is never a bad thing either.

My conversations with people whom I'm not on a name basis with tend to be punctuated with "Sir, Miss/Ma'am" or their title (Doctor, Professor, etc.)

With people who you intend to be friends with, try to introduce yourself properly; shake hands, smile, ask for names and tell people your own. Remember people's names and use them; calling someone sir or miss sounds standoffish.

I don't ask and avoid talking to people about trivial things like music, sports and the like; and I avoid boring or making things awkward by talking about stuff I like or do.

If you don't like being at the centre of attention, that's fine. One on one conversations tend to be better for getting to know people anyway. If you're at any kind of gathering, introduce yourself like I said, and if anyone clicks at all you can try to move them away from the group and just to talk to them. You can be open about this: say something like 'it's a bit loud here, do you want to talk outside/in a different room/in the kitchen/wherever?' And make sure to talk about yourself a bit. Conversations should be fairly equal in terms of who finds out about whom, but girls like feeling like they're interesting and engaging, so you can get away with just talking about them. If they say their favourite hobby is something you don't like or don't know about, be honest.
Another important thing is to not get flustered. Let's say some girl says her favourite music is... idk, Daft Punk, and you've never heard of them. Say so. Try and be funny about it, tag on a comment like 'yeah, you will have to explain everything; just pretend I'm foreign or something'. Or if you mention manga and someone does make a comment along the lines of 'that's a bit weird', don't get defensive, just shrug and say 'well, I am weird.'

When I attempt to talk to women, my brain almost stops working.

This is normal, and is just a sign that you are out of practice. I used to get incredibly nervous too, so I'd just try to think of it as being exactly the same as talking to one of my male friends. This did lead to me occasionally saying things that were probably a bit crude but it worked. A drop or two of alcohol tends to help.

I hope some of this helps. All of it will tend to start feeling natural anyways once you're more used to talking to the other species sex.

Actually, that last bit of advice is perhaps the best. Don't think of talking to women as being somehow different to talking to men. It isn't. Chat the same as you would to a guy. Also, try to completely shove romantic feelings aside when you haven't known someone for long, purely because it means you end up overthinking everything that you say. Maybe drop in a hint and there if the opportunity presents itself, but no more than that for a while.

What eeeelse? Uhm... being funny is extremely helpful, and fortunately for us nerdier types it is quite easy to be funny. Just acknowledge your odder characteristics, but in a slightly jokey or ironic way. So... as an example, I'm a big Warhammer fan. So, when I'm talking to girls (or anyone for that matter) I might drop in a comment like 'I got all my painting skills from Warhammer... That's right, I was a very cool kid.'

 

[Sneezeguard]

Stop self-pitying/self loathing.

You're not going to get anywhere sitting at your computer reveling in how pathetic you think you are.

 

[Erana]

There must be something positive to being in such a relationship - after all, these couples I see all the time don't appear to be terribly unhappy or put because of it; they seem positively happy most of the time.

Yeah, and if you were raised in a strange community where a fetish for spaghetti was the normal thing all your life, you may well start expecting that there must be something great about that, too.
Doesn't mean spaghetti sex or relationships are inherently right for everyone. And with relationships, I'm actually the exact opposite- the failed at best relationships I'm around outnumber the working ones at least three to one.
You should never, under any circumstance, assume that what works for other people will definitely work for you, or that you're somehow wrong or broken for not doing what the crowd does. That's just wasting so much of your time and energy being miserable over something that shouldn't affect you.

Because the idea that I'm going to be spending the next 60-70 years until I die working and coming home alone is a rather depressing and bleak future I'd rather not see come true, though I must accept that it is a distinct possibility at this juncture.

And yes, I do consider it a bit of a personal shortcoming in a way. That I apparently can't do something as simple are core to the human race as forming a meaningful and working relationship with a member the opposite is more than a bit disheartening - and it kind of takes the wind out of your sail when you can rattle off this whole list of things you've done or accomplished, but all someone has to do is let slip that you've never had a girlfriend and BAM! - you lose almost instantly.

Well, the companionship could be solved with a good room mate or a heterosexual life partner arrangement. I mean, you wouldn't get sex, but at least you'd always have a reliable wingman.
Anyway, this again comes down to the idea of your letting what society says is normal get to you. You know what? Fuck that.

Besides all the personal reasons, I don't think its fair that we exclude the societal reasons - like for instance how its harder for single people to find jobs, get raises, find affordable housing, get loans, or how we get sick more often and tend to die sooner compared to our non-single brethren.

And I think it is. One, taking into consideration things like the fact that married couples giving the bank two people to hold responsible for with certain types of loans or the fact that, say, being terminally ill will make it hard to have a relationship make these statistics make this far less relevant to you. And two, you're not a statistic. You're you. Are you going to get a shiny pokemon on your 8192nd wild pokemon battle? Prolly not.


The problem I see is that you're interested in a relationship with a woman for mostly the wrong reasons. You can get companionship from anyone, and anyone who belittles you for not having a history of relationships can go eat a shoe.
Yeah, sex with someone who is mutually engaged in the act is typically a desirable arrangement, I'll give you that.
But being in a healthy and happy relationship means that both parties want to be with the other person for who they are. And a "If I date you, people will think I'm X" driving the relationship just really messes up the aforementioned healthy relationship criteria.

I would just stop worrying about relationships right now if I were you. Though being uncomfortable with the opposite sex is something that you should prolly be working on. And with your situation, I know that feel. There aren't many men in my life in general, even fewer truly good men, and this was exacerbated by my skipping highschool to go to a women's college. I think having all my friends here at the Escapist for years, both men and women comfortable with men, has helped me not develop some sort of issue with the opposite sex.

Why not try hanging out with women online in an environment you're comfortable with? The sexes are skewed here, but there are still plenty of women on the Escapist. Or perhaps hang out with fans of an anime that has a more equal gender fanbase? Maybe even bronies, if you like horses?

 

[CowboyfromHell666]

Man I'm sorry to hear about this. If it makes you feel any better, I was sort of like this when I was younger. In elementary/middle/some of high school(I'm a senior in high school), I was basically the odd one out. I had maybe one of two friends up until middle school, then I met my best buds around 7th grade. But when it came to girls, yeah...being the weird kid obsessed with Star Wars didn't earn points back then. And it didn't help I gained a lot of unnecessary weight to be the butt of all jokes.

Nowadays, however, I don't know what happened, maybe my weight loss, maybe people got mature, but I've had better relationships with girls now(I'm no looker either imo, but I have self confidence issues due to the insults growing up). I talk to them more, they talk to me, and I'm just myself to them. Now that doesn't mean I'm hunting for a girl to call my own, but they don't see me as some weird ass loner. I don't know about you, but since I am only in high school, I could give zero fucks about having a girlfriend. I've got my whole life to worry about that.

But back to your situation, a few people have mentioned look up anime conventions in your local area, and that sounds like a great way to start. If you can find a girl that shares common interests with you, then it can lead to something meaningful. I'm not the love doctor or anything, so my advice in such matters is just up-in-the-air suggestions. But all I can really say is find common interests, be yourself, etc. I know that's almost "well no shit" advice, but it's the truth.

And hey, you got a nice community of people on here that are willing to help you out, so keep your head high and smile man

 

[Shadow5]

Firstly try and make some female friends, don't let yourself try and date them, just be friends.
Then you can try for the rest of it.

Coming out of an all boys school into uni was rough, I couldn't think of girls as anything other than potential interests. Luckily I woke up to myself before I did something embarrassing.
After I made some female friends and learned the difference between a girl being friendly and coming on to me things got a lot easier.
I was so obsessed with the idea of a relationship I actually missed times girls were coming on to me and nearly ruined some good friendships.

Lots of good advice on here esp. lumenadducere

 

[JackandTom]

And in a way, its hard not agree. Where I live and the places I could live all are pretty bad in terms of population of females my age, the things I like and like to do aren't popular with women, and I'm not very good at social interactions with women. Nor am I swimming in money or have other things. Pretty much on the short end of the socially acceptable relationship scale - the only way I could probably go lower is if I was sick or a criminal.

So there, thats my rant/tirade. Congrats, you made it through.

Don't worry. You're in the right place.

http://pokerfraudalert.com/forum/attachment.php?attachmentid=1636&d=1339186093

 

[GoddyofAus]

My only advice to the OP: You'll find the membership papers for this club over by the window.

 

[Mr. GameBrain]

My only advice to the OP: You'll find the membership papers for this club over by the window.

Its next to the jar of tears, and infront of the severed head of Kubla Khan right?

 

[Silverfox99]

First, as a member of the human race you are supposed to want to be in a relationship(s). Its what our bodies are programmed to do. So the fact you feel this way is not bad.

Next, Embrace who you are don't be scared and fearful that you should be different or are different. We all are different. We all have good and bad about us. Not everyone is for everyone and that's a good thing. There are women out there that will want to date you.

The main thing when looking for a relationship is to stand out by being who you are (if you try to act like someone else it only adds difficulty and problems). Can you text women and do decent in the conversation? That little bit of space and time to think might get you comfortable enough to progress to face to face talking with someone. If that is the case then use that to your advantage. Be upfront and honest about your shyness. To sum it up use who you are to your advantage.

Lastly, don't I repeat don't assume you know how someone is reacting to you. So you felt like a fool because you got nervous and did something silly or not James Bond cool. Don't think that that person never wants to talk with you again. Let the other person make their choice. Don't take away their choice. If you take away their choice before they make it of course you never will have a relationship. You have to allow relationships to happen and from reading the OP I get the feeling that you could have been in a relationship before this but that you stopped it before it ever began by thinking you had to act or be a specific way to be in one, so when the chance came up you shut it down instead or opening it up.

 

[SpectacularWebHead]

I see your problem:
those animes suck total arse.

 

[Thaluikhain]

Eh, if you're having problems with seeing women as being terribly different from people and talking to them with the potential of them being better than a cat, and for sex...yeah, come to a gaming forum, lots of great advice to be found there.

There was a thread about contraception, a while back, and 22% (when I looked) of people voting in the poll said they hadn't had sex. You need to get over the "I'm the only virgin in the world and it's so unfair" mentality.

 

[SpectacularWebHead]

Wrong meme? Well fuck.

Star Trekkin' across the universe...

As I can't really do two irrelevant posts OP, I'm just gonna say this. I have never actually been in a relationship, but that is largely because I only leave the house for comiccon. Essentially, get outside and socialise.

 

[trollnystan]

SNIP SNIP

OH COOKIE! =D nomnomnomnom...

Spoiler: Some anecdotal ramblings

You sound a bit like me back in the day. Although I never complained about it - except to myself - because being single has been mostly my own choice. I mean, I could probably rustle up a fellah to be my boyfriend/fuck-buddy somewhere, but the very few guys I've actually felt attracted to physically and/or emotionally these past few years have not reciprocated and I made a promise to myself after my one and only sexual encounter that I'll bloody well wait until Mr Right (Now) comes along.

Not to mention I'm not terribly attractive myself physically or personality-wise. I'm too like my father AFTER he got the crazies.

So I'm 29 and single. And it's not half bad. I have my cats for company at home, I have my family, friends and co-workers to socialise with otherwise, and I'm finally working my way out of my had-since-childhood depression.

Sex, kisses, and cuddles WOULD be nice, but otherwise my friends and family fill my affection-need bar quite satisfactorily. Personally there are a lot of things I feel I need to change with myself - raise my self-esteem, get a proper job so I can support myself, etc. - before I'm really ready for a relationship. I can't expect someone else to fill up the void in my life. That whole "2 halves make a whole" shlock is bullshit.

It sounds to me like maybe you need to do something similar. Work with yourself more. To use a trite self-help phrase, learn to LOVE yourself.

If you really are that gun-ho about having a girlfriend now now NOW, then ask yourself WHY you don't have one. Are your standards too high - e.g. looks, smarts, money-wise? Are you attracted to the "wrong" type of woman? Is there a facet of your personality that you need to work on? Maybe work on being more outgoing? (that will not only help you in romance arena, but also in life in general like work and making friends.)

Add remember what Phasmal said:

Women are just people.

And dude, according to your profile you're 23 years old. You're not even half-way to 50 yet. You have PLENTY of time to find someone to spend those 60+ years with. RELAX.

 

[zelda2fanboy]

I just moved to a new city and found that Meetup.com is amazing. I know that there are anime meetups even though I personally haven't attended any. It can bring people together for just about any interest and quite a few of them are single and of the feminine variety. And even though I am not particularly suave or handsome, I have managed to successfully get some action this way .

Big thank you. I'm definitely looking into that. I found an atheist group near me that might be fun. (But they're probably smug a-holes.)

To the OP: Go on tumblr and search anime stuff. Reblog it like crazy and follow a bunch of different blogs. You'll find that most of the shit on there is reblogged and circulated by girls. And you can message a lot of these girls, too. This is a really strained and highly difficult way to try and meet people with similar interests, but it's a way.

 

[Kasawd]

You want to attract a woman, eh?

Remember that you're also capable of being a sex object, too. Just because you're a male doesn't mean you don't have charm. Head off to a bar with Karaoke and sing like a honey badger and then ignore the women, entirely, until they come and talk to you. If you don't seem interested, you become interesting.

Sit at the bar and chew the fat with the tender.

That and relax, man, women are just people.

 

[Relish in Chaos]

Also worth mentioning - and I don't know whether or not it's entirely applicable to you and your group(s) of people you hang out with - I can't count just how many times I've said or done something stupid around girls, and they're still kind to me and invite me to parties and stuff. And they're not even close friends.

So I wouldn't worry too much about slipping up, since it's not the worst thing in the world. In fact, I think I might put that into practice whenever one of my aforementioned female acquaintances arranges a party, and I'll try not to use drink as a crutch either.

 

[zelda2fanboy]

Try and be comfortable in yourself, if you come off as desperate, women will notice. We can smell it from a mile off.
So what if you haven't had a girlfriend? Try and be a bit more comfortable with it.

Ha ha. Easier said than done. Being a male virgin in this world is a lot more difficult than you can imagine. If you want to have sex and can't, you're going to be desperate. Simple fact. Also, a reasonably attractive woman old enough to go to a bar can pretty much have sex whenever she wants to. That is not the case with men. Imagine missing out on a huge part of life and walking around with the knowledge that the one group of people you care about more than anything in the world has not wanted anything to do with you in your entire existence.

I was a virgin until 25 and it sucked. It drove me half crazy, and I went the other half crazy when I finally did have sex. It's just how it is. Maybe if I had had a real relationship with a smart, kind, and dedicated girl, it wouldn't have driven me nuts and I could "get over it." However, those type of people are generally already in stable relationships.

 

[Deviluk]

Haha I love sekerei too, but the manga I've only read

I think you just have to work on your own self-esteem, thats 80% of the battle right there. You say you don't want to bore people with stuff you like, believe me, passion in anything is inspiring and contagious. People don't grow up liking stuff, they have to get into it, usually by people being so excited by it they have to try it too. Just learn to talk about whatever you want, ANYTHING YOU WANT! If they don't want to listen, or are bored, its not you're fault, its theirs! Move on and you'll find someone who IS interested!

There are so many books that helped me with talking to people, not just women. I live in a foreign country now so I find I'm the one who can't say anything to anyone, and it hurt because I knew normally I'm much more active. I hate the feeling of someone not following my line of conversation, or not laughing at the joke I tried to make, but you just gotta move on and think 'its their problem'.

Anyway, my 2 cents. We all have our personal goals, and we can achieve them without sacrificing who we are.

 

[Phasmal]

Ha ha. Easier said than done. Being a male virgin in this world is a lot more difficult than you can imagine. If you want to have sex and can't, you're going to be desperate. Simple fact. Also, a reasonably attractive woman old enough to go to a bar can pretty much have sex whenever she wants to. That is not the case with men.

Sure, if the lady just wants sex no matter who it is with. That's rarely the case. Besides, this is about girlfriends, not bar-pickups.

Imagine missing out on a huge part of life and walking around with the knowledge that the one group of people you care about more than anything in the world has not wanted anything to do with you in your entire existence.

I'm sorry, what?
Are you saying that you care about girls more than anything in the world?
Cause thats... creepy.

I was a virgin until 25 and it sucked. It drove me half crazy, and I went the other half crazy when I finally did have sex. It's just how it is. Maybe if I had had a real relationship with a smart, kind, and dedicated girl, it wouldn't have driven me nuts and I could "get over it." However, those type of people are generally already in stable relationships.

All the good ones are usually taken, same with dudes. (Or they are gay).

Right, but then it just becomes a nasty circle. Desperate cause you cant get laid.
Can't get laid because you're desperate.