Your worst joke
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"They say if you're a Pessimist the glass is half-empty. And if you're an Optimist it's half-full. But what if it's a glass half-full of babies blood?" (Harlan Williams)
"I ask the big questions in life... like where do contractors go after they get the job half done? Do you have to brush your teeth during a Fast? Why do they call it a Fast when it goes so damn slow? Why does it say 'On' and 'Off' on a light switch? If it's on you can see it's on and if it's off, you can't see to read." (Gallagher)
"I put up fake brick wallpaper over the real brick walls in my house... so when I have people over I can say 'go ahead, touch it. It feels real.'" (Steven Wright)
"What's this?" *lights a match and moves it in a running manner* "Richard Pryor running down the street on fire." (Richard Pryor)
"Knock, knock!"
Who's there?
"Impatient cow."
Impatie-
"MOO!!!!!!!!!"
"I ask the big questions in life... like where do contractors go after they get the job half done? Do you have to brush your teeth during a Fast? Why do they call it a Fast when it goes so damn slow? Why does it say 'On' and 'Off' on a light switch? If it's on you can see it's on and if it's off, you can't see to read." (Gallagher)
"I put up fake brick wallpaper over the real brick walls in my house... so when I have people over I can say 'go ahead, touch it. It feels real.'" (Steven Wright)
"What's this?" *lights a match and moves it in a running manner* "Richard Pryor running down the street on fire." (Richard Pryor)
"Knock, knock!"
Who's there?
"Impatient cow."
Impatie-
"MOO!!!!!!!!!"
So there was once a poor Florist who owned a small shop, on a small corner, barely making ends meet. Though he wasn't rich, he lived well enough to eat everyday and he lived happily married. One day, a couple of priests from the nearby church arrived across from the florist with a flower cart. Over the next few days he began to lose business because people loved to buy from holy men. So the florist came to the priests and begged them to go elsewhere to sell, the priests ignored his request as they were finally getting alot of business. The next day the florist returned with his wife to beg the priest, and again they ignored the request. Getting desperate, the florist decided to visit the biggest, baddest thug for hire, Hugh Lawrey. They came to agreement that night and the very next morning when the priests came to their cart, Hugh wrecked all their flowers and roughed up the priests for good measure. The priests never returned to the corner again, and the florist returned happily to his normal daily life.
And so the moral of the story
And so the moral of the story
Hugh and only Hugh can prevent Florist Friars.
Why do men tilt their heads when they think?george144 said:
So that the halves of their brains will connect.
What's the difference between a man's brain and an olive?
The colour.
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Also, on a more retarded note:
(a gay joke, a warcraft joke and a sex joke in one - it's Arthas and Illidan, if you can't tell)
http://fc45.deviantart.com/fs38/i/2009/092/c/d/Rigor_Mortis_by_LordNaraku.jpg
I don't think I've met anyone who's understood that joke without an explanation, but then again, maybe the people I know aren't all that bright...
Dude, I told you that joke like the other week. And your deliver is off, even though this is a website.Barry93 said:
Here's a joke my friend told me the other day
Friend: "Want to hear a clean joke?"
Me: "Sure"
Friend: "I took a bath with bubbles"
Friend: "Want to hear a dirty joke?"
Me: "Sure"
Friend: "I took a bath with bubbles"
Me: "Why is that dirty? it's the same joke."
Friend: "Bubbles is my neighbor"
That is one of the more recent jokes that was really stupid but kinda funny to me.
Friend: "Want to hear a clean joke?"
Me: "Sure"
Friend: "I took a bath with bubbles"
Friend: "Want to hear a dirty joke?"
Me: "Sure"
Friend: "I took a bath with bubbles"
Me: "Why is that dirty? it's the same joke."
Friend: "Bubbles is my neighbor"
That is one of the more recent jokes that was really stupid but kinda funny to me.
I'd say it was punny, personally.Shapsters said:Oh snap! That was puntastic.The_root_of_all_evil said:Seriously...do you want me to start?
I did enter a competition to see which one of my puns would be declared the worst, entering ten puns all at the same time. I thought one of them might win but unfortunately no pun in ten did.
Eleven years ago my girlfriend at the time and I did a Rowan and Martin-inspired routine for friends. I'll use typefaces for me and for her.
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs on the floor?
Matt.
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs hanging on a wall?
Art.
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in a pool?
Bob.
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs sitting on a chair on the porch?
I dunno, what DO you call a guy with no arms and no legs sitting on a chair on the porch?
Dave.
Dave? That's not funny.
Dave doesn't think so either, he's got no arms and no legs!
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs on the floor?
Matt.
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs hanging on a wall?
Art.
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in a pool?
Bob.
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs sitting on a chair on the porch?
I dunno, what DO you call a guy with no arms and no legs sitting on a chair on the porch?
Dave.
Dave? That's not funny.
Dave doesn't think so either, he's got no arms and no legs!
This is a joke I made up. I actually can't tell it without laughing a lot. Which adds to the joke really.
Two hunters were walking through the forest. After several hours the come across a monkey sitting on a rock. The monkey is sitting there (think the statue "The Thinker", you have to mime it though).
The two hunters approach the monkey, "Whats the matter there monkey? You look like something's wrong".
The monkey looks up at the from his thoughts and says "I'm confused".
Two hunters were walking through the forest. After several hours the come across a monkey sitting on a rock. The monkey is sitting there (think the statue "The Thinker", you have to mime it though).
The two hunters approach the monkey, "Whats the matter there monkey? You look like something's wrong".
The monkey looks up at the from his thoughts and says "I'm confused".
That was terrible, all three of you. You should be punished.JC175 said:I'd say it was punny, personally.Shapsters said:Oh snap! That was puntastic.The_root_of_all_evil said:Seriously...do you want me to start?
I did enter a competition to see which one of my puns would be declared the worst, entering ten puns all at the same time. I thought one of them might win but unfortunately no pun in ten did.
my chemistry teacher told me this one:
an atom walks into a bar and says to the bar tender "I think I've lost an electron" the bartender says "are you sure" the atom replies "I'm positive"
yeh it's bad
I like this one my friend told me:
two pies are in an oven, one of them says "man it's getting hot in here" the other one says "oh my god a talking pie!!!"
an atom walks into a bar and says to the bar tender "I think I've lost an electron" the bartender says "are you sure" the atom replies "I'm positive"
yeh it's bad
I like this one my friend told me:
two pies are in an oven, one of them says "man it's getting hot in here" the other one says "oh my god a talking pie!!!"