Zero Punctuation: Alone in the Dark
- Thread starter Yahtzee Croshaw
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While over all the review was the fun sarcastic rant I have come to expect from Yatzhee, it was preceded by seconds of pointless intro I will never get back. It is not as if I don't know whose producing the witty diatribe, its right there at the top of the page. It exists in the small window where it is long enough to annoy, but not long enough to make an attempt to skip over it worth while. Think of the children! Go straight for the bile.
injaku
injaku
I feel the need to pop in and say that i still don't like the intro, outro, or music for either. And, since my opinion matters to all parties involved, i can only assume there will be some kind of positive change enacted by the time the next Zero Punctuation comes out.
Or i'll get shivved in the bollocks by a hired goon. It feels like a 50/50 chance on this one.
Or i'll get shivved in the bollocks by a hired goon. It feels like a 50/50 chance on this one.
good review, it's really sad when a game with lots of potential gets fucked by the boss who doesn't know what he's doing and if you don't listen to him you get fired :/
also what's with all the eve ads! eve trailer after the movie, eve banners, eve-online background?!?!?! get it over with and review the game/1 shouldn't be too hard to point out all the horrible thing about it and then balance it out with all the things it does great.
personaly I play and enjoy eve but it has lots of things that can drive normal gamers nuts
also what's with all the eve ads! eve trailer after the movie, eve banners, eve-online background?!?!?! get it over with and review the game/1 shouldn't be too hard to point out all the horrible thing about it and then balance it out with all the things it does great.
personaly I play and enjoy eve but it has lots of things that can drive normal gamers nuts
I personally never had a problem with the music, and in fact rather like it. Ian Dorsch did a fine job, and it stands to reason that when one gets as big and noticeable as Yahtzee has in past days, it becomes inconvenient to be violating two copyrights every Wednesday. So if anybody has been giving either Yahtzee or Ian grief for it, they need to get over themselves.
In any case, very enjoyable review, as always. Always makes Wednesday a good day.
In any case, very enjoyable review, as always. Always makes Wednesday a good day.
good review, its a shame that those good ideas weren't utilized better in the gameplay.
Okay, about the music, though. The music itself is fine, I get that its better to not rely on potential copyright infringes and establish your own recognizable tune and what not, so no complaints there. But does it have to be so fucking LOUD?! I mean jesus, I just finish hearing your last run on sentence where you end on a quiet note, get a second of silence and then .... "FUCK YEEEEEAAAAAA!!!! GUITARRRRRRRRRR!!!!!"
The audio balance could certainly use a generous tweak. For as loud as I need to set the volume to hear you speak, the assault on my ears from the theme is just too much.
So again, music fine - volume way high. Hope you take this into consideration.
Okay, about the music, though. The music itself is fine, I get that its better to not rely on potential copyright infringes and establish your own recognizable tune and what not, so no complaints there. But does it have to be so fucking LOUD?! I mean jesus, I just finish hearing your last run on sentence where you end on a quiet note, get a second of silence and then .... "FUCK YEEEEEAAAAAA!!!! GUITARRRRRRRRRR!!!!!"
The audio balance could certainly use a generous tweak. For as loud as I need to set the volume to hear you speak, the assault on my ears from the theme is just too much.
So again, music fine - volume way high. Hope you take this into consideration.
WaitwaitwaitwaitwaitwaitwaitwaitwaitwaitwaitwaitwaitWAIT!
You can skip sections of the game if you get stuck or just don't feel like playing a section? Is this a new thing? What genius came up with this?
(and, no, the new music isn't growing on me, and likely never will. I'm already tuning it out.)
You can skip sections of the game if you get stuck or just don't feel like playing a section? Is this a new thing? What genius came up with this?
(and, no, the new music isn't growing on me, and likely never will. I'm already tuning it out.)
You know what I hate?
When they make a game in a series that has THE EXACT SAME NAME AS THE FIRST GAME IN THE SERIES. It's like that 2006 "Sonic the Hedgehog" game (which ironically was also poorly received)...why the heck did they give it the exact same name as the first game? They couldn't have been even mildly creative and added something? Nintendo at least for New Super Mario Bros. named it...well, New Super Mario Bros. They didn't call it Super Mario Bros, they named it New Super Mario Bros. to differentiate it. How hard is it to use a LITTLE (and you don't need more than a little!) creativity in naming? If nothing else they could've thrown on a number or a generic ending title (i.e. Resurrection, Revenge, etc.) to the end, that would've worked.
When they make a game in a series that has THE EXACT SAME NAME AS THE FIRST GAME IN THE SERIES. It's like that 2006 "Sonic the Hedgehog" game (which ironically was also poorly received)...why the heck did they give it the exact same name as the first game? They couldn't have been even mildly creative and added something? Nintendo at least for New Super Mario Bros. named it...well, New Super Mario Bros. They didn't call it Super Mario Bros, they named it New Super Mario Bros. to differentiate it. How hard is it to use a LITTLE (and you don't need more than a little!) creativity in naming? If nothing else they could've thrown on a number or a generic ending title (i.e. Resurrection, Revenge, etc.) to the end, that would've worked.
Hey again, another transcript
I make a policy of never reading other people?s reviews, because it can taint my own recollection of a game and because I?m increasingly certain that I?m the only person on Earth whose brain works properly. But it?s been pretty difficult to avoid the popular opinion of Alone in the Dark. What with it being apparently the latest in a long line of Worst Games Evarr and responsible for the deaths of several of my correspondent?s families judging by the way they tearfully email me, requesting that I verbally assassinate it. Well I thought ?Fuck those bereaved bastards, who think I?m some kind of swearing ninja for hire. I?m going to play Alone in the Dark and damn well try to like it.? A few days have passed since then and you?ll be surprised to learn that even the majority can be totally totally right.
So, Edward Carnby from the very first Alone in the Dark is some how still alive, and thankfully no longer made out of folded cray paper, and wakes up in modern day New York with a bad case of plot convenient amnesia and being hunted by rips in the wall paper. Then all restraint gets tearfully bade farewell, and put on a bus to Azerbaijan, when a load of buildings blow up and Edward finds himself forced to fight against his standard satanic apocalypse scenario, while coming up with several contrived excuses to drive cars over ramps in slow motion, Creating a feel somewhere between the Prince of Darkness and the Dukes of Hazard.
He gets joined by a female sidekick who sweeps the horrible game character awards, taking Most Obviously Provided Love Interest, Most Irritating, Least Useful to Gameplay, Least Necessary to Plot, and Lifetime Achievement. Perhaps the crowning moment of her hideousness is when she nearly dies and the game forces you to press a button sequence in order to revive her with CPR. Although the spiteful cow never actually dies, no matter how many times you deliberately fuck up.
What?s tragic is that the good ship Alone in the Dark can see Port Good Game with out a telescope, but they were apparently in such a hurry to get there that they accidently landed at the Cock Up Peninsula. It?s full of good ideas balanced by terrible execution which I will illustrate using two hypothetical designers I?m going to call Terry and Gonad.
?Hey,? said Terry, ?Let?s have a damage system where you actually see persistent wound day counts on your characters body.?
?Ok,? replies Gonad, ?But let?s put them on the outside of his clothes so that it looks like someone glued slices of ham to his jumper.?
?Hey again,? says Terry, ?How about a dangerous gooey black floor that becomes neutralized by bright lights??
?Okay again,? says Gonad, ?Now let?s make the flashlight incredibly ineffectual against it, and make it a one hit kill.?
Then a broken and jaded Terry starts sniffing glue, while Gonad goes into the fetal position and softly giggles to himself.
Another interesting idea that got royally butt fucked is the inventory system, in which players are theoretically encouraged to pick up scrappy bits of junk and combine them into MacGyver style improvised weaponry. In practice, the player will find that the people of New York casually throw away an enormously large amount of Nitro Glycerin. And all you need to do is pour some of it onto your bullets, then pop a hankie into the bottle and bingo, you?re equipped for absolutely anything the game can throw at you. In all fairness there are quite a few combinations to find, and some of them are actually turn out to be useful. But Gonad?s presence is felt once again, Firstly giving you an aggressively small number on inventory spaces, in which your essential ammo, lighter, and plot important McGuffin all take up a space. And secondly by not pausing the game when you go into the inventory screen. So your attempts to fumble a wick into a vodka bottle at short notice can be interrupted at any time by the monster you intend to use it against running up and biting your nipples off.
Ordinarily at this point I?d say that over ambition has once again shot the kneecaps off a production as The Adventures of Edward Carnby Serial Arsonist attempts to incorporate combat, driving, puzzles, plus Prince of Persia platforming perplexingly. But I genuinely think that it could have pulled them all off. There was potential for true greatness here that just a little more polish could have brought out, if they hadn?t booted it out the door before it could even brush its teeth. Combat would have been tolerable if the camera had been a team player. Driving would have worked if they tightened up the severely broken physics engine, which at one point caused my car to go flying into the skybox after driving too fast over a piece of paper. And I?m not even exaggerating when I say that the fire physics are the best in the entire history of gaming. Seriously! Lean to close to the screen and you?re in danger of losing your eyebrows. It could have made a good game fantastic. As it stands, it just makes a bad game pretentious.
As a series, Alone in the Dark has always been about subtly claustrophobic horror, as is sort of implied by the name. But now it makes no sense, because you?re not alone and its not even dark cause everything?s on fire. I knew Atari were idiots when they let Uwe Boll make a god awful action movie out of the franchise. But I never thought that they were big enough idiots to use that film as inspiration. They?ve clearly been regarding Grand Theft Auto with envious eyes, hence the sandbox Central Park driving aspect. Which the linear story renders needless until they make you go hunting around looking for the spots where Satan?s inferno willies extrude from the ground and then set his pubes alight.
The final straw came when I spent an hour driving laboriously around the park taking care of them all. And then after a brief puzzle sequence thirty more popped up and the game told me I had to take care of them too.
?No.? I replied, ?No I do not. I reject your stupid fucking arbitrary game play lengthening World of Warcraft grind quests. And I?m sick of putting up with your bullshit! I know you provide the option to skip the next chapter, but I?m not going to use it. I?ve had enough. If someone serves you a dead dog for lunch you do not stick around for the pudding.?
I suppose I should have realized something was up when I saw that the chapter skipping feature was proudly touted on the back of the box. So not only did the developers think that Not having to play the game was a point in its favor, but there were apparently so few other selling points worth mentioning that they put it in the marketing blurb.
So to summarize Alone in the dark in a pithy newspaper headline sort of way, Glimpses of Brilliance Buried in Clipping Issues and Spunk.
I make a policy of never reading other people?s reviews, because it can taint my own recollection of a game and because I?m increasingly certain that I?m the only person on Earth whose brain works properly. But it?s been pretty difficult to avoid the popular opinion of Alone in the Dark. What with it being apparently the latest in a long line of Worst Games Evarr and responsible for the deaths of several of my correspondent?s families judging by the way they tearfully email me, requesting that I verbally assassinate it. Well I thought ?Fuck those bereaved bastards, who think I?m some kind of swearing ninja for hire. I?m going to play Alone in the Dark and damn well try to like it.? A few days have passed since then and you?ll be surprised to learn that even the majority can be totally totally right.
So, Edward Carnby from the very first Alone in the Dark is some how still alive, and thankfully no longer made out of folded cray paper, and wakes up in modern day New York with a bad case of plot convenient amnesia and being hunted by rips in the wall paper. Then all restraint gets tearfully bade farewell, and put on a bus to Azerbaijan, when a load of buildings blow up and Edward finds himself forced to fight against his standard satanic apocalypse scenario, while coming up with several contrived excuses to drive cars over ramps in slow motion, Creating a feel somewhere between the Prince of Darkness and the Dukes of Hazard.
He gets joined by a female sidekick who sweeps the horrible game character awards, taking Most Obviously Provided Love Interest, Most Irritating, Least Useful to Gameplay, Least Necessary to Plot, and Lifetime Achievement. Perhaps the crowning moment of her hideousness is when she nearly dies and the game forces you to press a button sequence in order to revive her with CPR. Although the spiteful cow never actually dies, no matter how many times you deliberately fuck up.
What?s tragic is that the good ship Alone in the Dark can see Port Good Game with out a telescope, but they were apparently in such a hurry to get there that they accidently landed at the Cock Up Peninsula. It?s full of good ideas balanced by terrible execution which I will illustrate using two hypothetical designers I?m going to call Terry and Gonad.
?Hey,? said Terry, ?Let?s have a damage system where you actually see persistent wound day counts on your characters body.?
?Ok,? replies Gonad, ?But let?s put them on the outside of his clothes so that it looks like someone glued slices of ham to his jumper.?
?Hey again,? says Terry, ?How about a dangerous gooey black floor that becomes neutralized by bright lights??
?Okay again,? says Gonad, ?Now let?s make the flashlight incredibly ineffectual against it, and make it a one hit kill.?
Then a broken and jaded Terry starts sniffing glue, while Gonad goes into the fetal position and softly giggles to himself.
Another interesting idea that got royally butt fucked is the inventory system, in which players are theoretically encouraged to pick up scrappy bits of junk and combine them into MacGyver style improvised weaponry. In practice, the player will find that the people of New York casually throw away an enormously large amount of Nitro Glycerin. And all you need to do is pour some of it onto your bullets, then pop a hankie into the bottle and bingo, you?re equipped for absolutely anything the game can throw at you. In all fairness there are quite a few combinations to find, and some of them are actually turn out to be useful. But Gonad?s presence is felt once again, Firstly giving you an aggressively small number on inventory spaces, in which your essential ammo, lighter, and plot important McGuffin all take up a space. And secondly by not pausing the game when you go into the inventory screen. So your attempts to fumble a wick into a vodka bottle at short notice can be interrupted at any time by the monster you intend to use it against running up and biting your nipples off.
Ordinarily at this point I?d say that over ambition has once again shot the kneecaps off a production as The Adventures of Edward Carnby Serial Arsonist attempts to incorporate combat, driving, puzzles, plus Prince of Persia platforming perplexingly. But I genuinely think that it could have pulled them all off. There was potential for true greatness here that just a little more polish could have brought out, if they hadn?t booted it out the door before it could even brush its teeth. Combat would have been tolerable if the camera had been a team player. Driving would have worked if they tightened up the severely broken physics engine, which at one point caused my car to go flying into the skybox after driving too fast over a piece of paper. And I?m not even exaggerating when I say that the fire physics are the best in the entire history of gaming. Seriously! Lean to close to the screen and you?re in danger of losing your eyebrows. It could have made a good game fantastic. As it stands, it just makes a bad game pretentious.
As a series, Alone in the Dark has always been about subtly claustrophobic horror, as is sort of implied by the name. But now it makes no sense, because you?re not alone and its not even dark cause everything?s on fire. I knew Atari were idiots when they let Uwe Boll make a god awful action movie out of the franchise. But I never thought that they were big enough idiots to use that film as inspiration. They?ve clearly been regarding Grand Theft Auto with envious eyes, hence the sandbox Central Park driving aspect. Which the linear story renders needless until they make you go hunting around looking for the spots where Satan?s inferno willies extrude from the ground and then set his pubes alight.
The final straw came when I spent an hour driving laboriously around the park taking care of them all. And then after a brief puzzle sequence thirty more popped up and the game told me I had to take care of them too.
?No.? I replied, ?No I do not. I reject your stupid fucking arbitrary game play lengthening World of Warcraft grind quests. And I?m sick of putting up with your bullshit! I know you provide the option to skip the next chapter, but I?m not going to use it. I?ve had enough. If someone serves you a dead dog for lunch you do not stick around for the pudding.?
I suppose I should have realized something was up when I saw that the chapter skipping feature was proudly touted on the back of the box. So not only did the developers think that Not having to play the game was a point in its favor, but there were apparently so few other selling points worth mentioning that they put it in the marketing blurb.
So to summarize Alone in the dark in a pithy newspaper headline sort of way, Glimpses of Brilliance Buried in Clipping Issues and Spunk.
The music you've chosen as a replacement doesn't do it for me. I understand that you wanted to stop ripping off copy written work, I'm amazed you did that for as long as you did anyway. However, this replacement doesn't seem at all similar to your previous selection and is really just jarring. Pay for the use of one copy written song and use that instead, at this point there have to be enough viewers for the budget to allow it.