Zero Punctuation: Diablo 3

eddyshore6528

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Dec 29, 2011
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That was rather mild. In short : " I don't like dungeon crawlers with randomly generated levels, but this is a pretty good dungeon crawler with randomly generated levels ".
 

DioWallachia

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Good for you Yahtzee, now get your ass to review Dragon's Dogma attempts of being Skyrim + Shadow of The Colossus.

And also review Starhawk, who ripped your idea of Space Flying: The Game
 

Kyr Knightbane

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Blaster395 said:
Plot spoilers below:

Few people notice this, but you never actually kill Diablo fully. The fight ends when he has a tiny amount of HP left. In normal solo, this is 62hp.
If you watch the cinematic following the 'death' of Diablo, the Soulstone doesn't disintegrate. It'll just find a new host. You watch. The expansion will probably feature a fuller, bigger more terrifying Diablo as it will have found a new host. Screw the Effeminate weird fucking big-headed one you fought. That fight was Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay too easy
 

Hitchmeister

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Calibanbutcher said:
Hitchmeister said:
LostintheWick said:
This review sums up why I don't want to play Diablo 3. I can still respect why others like it, though. Although... I part of me still doesn't understand the MASS appeal or why Blizzard uses it's endless resources to make THIS vs. ANYTHING ELSE IMAGINABLE.
6.3 million retail copies sold within 24 hours of release. Anything else you don't understand?

I can only assume Yahtzee loved this game, since he makes a point of invalidating most of his criticisms during the end credits. He just knows no one wants to listen to him not complain.
We must have watched different reviews then.
He said, that he does not get the appeal of dungeon crawlers, and that the leveling, whilst being addictive, does not a great game make.
He only said, that he managed to get the controls to almost work properly and that he was actually able to play the game on his laptop.
Whoop-de-friggin-do.
His complaints:
1.Game is too easy.
2.Aquiring trousers not his cup of tea.
3.Fighting becomes a routine, aka boring.
4.Always online sucks. So do latency issues.
5.Does not get Dungeon Crawlers.
6.Does not ger randomly created dungeons.

End credits:
He managed to fix the controls.
Laptop managed to do a fine job of running D3
Why don't enemies simply give you their pants?

Sooo, what review exactly were you talking of?
Since it is very clear that he had more than enough points to critizise, and in the end, he makes it very obvious, that dungeon crawlers are not getting in his pants any time soon...
So you've never watched a Yahtzee review before?
 

mrdude2010

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Hitchmeister said:
LostintheWick said:
This review sums up why I don't want to play Diablo 3. I can still respect why others like it, though. Although... I part of me still doesn't understand the MASS appeal or why Blizzard uses it's endless resources to make THIS vs. ANYTHING ELSE IMAGINABLE.
6.3 million retail copies sold within 24 hours of release. Anything else you don't understand?

I can only assume Yahtzee loved this game, since he makes a point of invalidating most of his criticisms during the end credits. He just knows no one wants to listen to him not complain.
durrr copies sold=good game

Not saying D3 wasn't good, just saying that sales =/= goodness. Look at Transformers 2.
 

Li Mu

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Oct 17, 2011
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While I do enjoy Yatzee's rants I do find him to be oddly narrow in the taste department.

He hates RPGs, MMOs, MMORPGs, RTSs, TBSs, QTEs, Multiplayer games, Games on the PC and Games on the Wii to name a few.
So basically he hates quite large percentage of the alphabet.

It's similar to having a Movie Reviewer who hates Comedy, Horror, SciFi, Drama and Romance films. In short, he'll only watch a film starring Jason Statham.


To narrow it down to what Yatzee does like; He likes Single Player First/Third Person Shooters/Combat Games. ...and Silent Hill 2.

Well actually, to say that he likes FPS games is also a stretch. I guess you could say that he tolerates them more than most other games.

So he likes Silent Hill 2.
 

kingpocky

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Jan 21, 2009
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mrdude2010 said:
Hitchmeister said:
LostintheWick said:
This review sums up why I don't want to play Diablo 3. I can still respect why others like it, though. Although... I part of me still doesn't understand the MASS appeal or why Blizzard uses it's endless resources to make THIS vs. ANYTHING ELSE IMAGINABLE.
6.3 million retail copies sold within 24 hours of release. Anything else you don't understand?

I can only assume Yahtzee loved this game, since he makes a point of invalidating most of his criticisms during the end credits. He just knows no one wants to listen to him not complain.
durrr copies sold=good game

Not saying D3 wasn't good, just saying that sales =/= goodness. Look at Transformers 2.
And you're seriously questioning why a corporation would choose making huge profits over game quality?
 

Mullahgrrl

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Blunderboy said:
I'll keep an eye out for Jeff when he visits me in Southend.
Ooh er Mrs.

By the way most people complained about how randomly difficult it was to get to play D3 I wonder if that itself was not a planned skinners box.
 

Shamanic Rhythm

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Dec 6, 2009
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I laughed when Salman Rushdie showed up.

Have to agree that Diablo III is far easier than previous titles, and that if all you want to do is play singleplayer, the online requirement is a *****. I had a nice hole cleared in my schedule the other day and I couldn't log on because the game went offline for over 12 hours while they patched it and then tried to fix whatever the patch broke.

Also the writing is laughably bad: "You cannot judge me! I am justice itself!"
 

cricket chirps

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Apr 15, 2009
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So Croshaw hit the nail on the head again.

Its a good game but yea everything he said was true. I HAVE IN FACT been looking for a better pair of pants for the last 6 level ups. I DID IN FACT hate that second act boss because of the laggy-jumpy-thingy that grew tiresome everytime i saw it...which was every time i saw a new group of enemies.

On another note, HE SAID "/" THAT IS A PUNCTUATION!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
 

VonBrewskie

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Apr 9, 2009
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Hilarious. I feel very much like a rat in a cage. I hit a bar in the cage and a pellet drops out. Yum yum. The real shit thing about it is sometimes a pellet drops out, yum yum, and sometimes a line of goddamn cocaine drops out, up up and away. It's almost as bad when nothing drops out. "Just one more mob".
 

Axyun

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Oct 31, 2011
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Hmm interesting. You don't share loot with other players online. Wonder how much of his review is based on actual game time.

Oh well, I'm here for the comedy, not the "review". Could have been funnier. Lot's of really bad spots in the story and dialog that could have served as a jumping-off point for some ball-busting.

In the end, I think everyone who was going to buy D3 already bought it. No point in swaying opinions either way. Time to go back to my HC Demon Hunter.
 

Brotherofwill

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BlueKenja said:
medv4380 said:
Jas0913 said:
It's a shame Yahtzee didn't play it through until the end. The final boss fight was so anticlimactic and the ending comes close to mass effect 3 bad. I was really looking forward to him bashing on that part.
Oh get off that high horse already. D3 had a predictable Blizzard style ending, and you had an actual final boss fight. ME3 did not actually have a final boss fight, and had an ending that was unexpected, illogical, and abrupt. Comparing games that have mediocre and predictable endings to ME3 is just plain rude.
Correction, it has a typical Metzen style ending...that is to say the usual, cliched high fantasy, chosen one, save the world and create rainbows and puppies ending.
The previous games didn't. Diablo 1 and 2 had pretty murky bittersweet endings and D2's expansion ended on a cliffhanger with it heavily hinted that your actions only made things worse.
Diablo always had a somewhat peversely satisfying approach in that way...no matter how well you do you always lose somehow in the end. Pretty fitting for gothic/pseudo-low fantasy.
Then 3 came along with a new writer, bucked out all the old tropes and story style and inserted generic black and white, chosen one saves teh wurld plot # 460175

Game's good enough, if you don't like dungeon crawlers it won't make you like them though.
That's a real good way to describe the differences in story. At some level I think the developers didn't understand the initial appeal that Diablo I and II had (which are both really different games anyway). On top of that they changed it for the worst to get a new audience, leaving old and new fans kinda dissapointed.

The game is like a really well made copy by someone that can't analyze the original. A copy-paste with all the good bits missing.
 

Graill

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Apr 5, 2012
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Havent purchased a single blizzard product in over ten years. My last was warcraft 2. The sun outside is great and this review makes the world a slightly happier place. Grin.

Sadly my brother is a blizzard fanatic. His wife does keep him in check though.