Best insult without swearing?

[Ken_J]

I know a guy at my high school he is a big guy and a 6th grade idiot called him "a fucking fatass" but that is not the insult he actually turned around with an evil look in his eye and with voice that resembled a growling Rotweiler said to the 6th grader
"Well satan rapes your mother at night."

Another good one is when your in a back and forth with some you hate and they ask you "What do you want me to do?" you respond with "I want you to get cancer."

 

[Bourne Endeavor]

"If this is the product of evolution... I'm not impressed"
"Congratulations, your existence just proved even God can make mistakes"
"I would have alcohol poisoning before you'd look good"

A friend of my mother who had a lot of money used to wear rather large jewelry, in this specific case it was a ring. So once when she was on a plane flying home, some random woman walked by and said

"Isn't that gaudy?"
"Yes and isn't gaudy wonderful?"

 

[r4ndom]

Enlighten me.

I did a quick search and nothing immediate came up so no 'Uhhh this has been done before' please.

For a guy, i've always found that the term "limp-wristed" works pretty well.

'Shut up and get away from me, you limp-wristed oaf'

For the wimmins... well honestly I never really insult women, so I got nothing on that front.

 

[ThreeWords]

I find if you just take a simple but annoying fact and hammer it in, it goes a long way.

Eg: "Man, you failed at that! You failed so bad so bad it was almost funny, except it was a failure! Look! I baked you a fail cookie outta the epic fail you caused by failing so massively, cos you FAILED!"

Otherwise, long insults only work on people polite enough to listen, and there are few people who are both polite and worth insulting

 

[fgdfgdgd]

by far the best one ive ever heard was from one of my science teachers:

"if i had a condom and a time machine id go back to your conception and strongly advise against it"

by far one of my better teachers.

 

[electric_warrior]

you were caused by a chemical spillage in Germany

you were placed here by sadam during the first gulf war to lower morale

when i look at you i feel better about myself

there's a guy in my year going out with someone four years younger than him (he's 17), this is a dialogue between me and him
"How long have you two been going out?"
"About a year and a half"
"So she's, what, doubled in age in that time?"
he wasn't happy with me, luckily he's tiny and pathetic and couldn't do anything if he tried.

 

[Eldritch Warlord]

Requires a very specific situation. A jock has to insult you then say this to a nearby friend.

"What's this? Oh, it's just a jock trying to insult me. Don't you find its failed attempts at human speech endearing?"

 

[brodie21]

i think the line from generation kill takes the cake.
i think it went:

"...i was raised by upstanding, responsible members of society, wheras your mother's only qualification was a woumb that happened to catch the semen of a passing truck driver"

something like that

 

[Corpse XxX]

I can tell people to go to hell in such a nice manner that they are actually looking forward to it..

 

[BenMcMichael]

My favouite, is "You deserve cancer", in second place would be "go suckle your mums penis" and my third favourite one would be a phrase that includes lepers or imbreds. I have one for american residents who make me unhappy, its not racist but i do not wish to utter it here

 

[Kumomaru]

Enlighten me.

I did a quick search and nothing immediate came up so no 'Uhhh this has been done before' please.

This one only really works if it's preceded by someone calling someone else retarded.

"I see no reason for you to insult the mentally handicapped by comparing them to [insert insulted person's name here]"

 

[NotAPie]

Erm...Uh...
You smell funny.
YEAH!

 

[simon2601]

use ur mum

 

[BenMcMichael]

another one which i havent said in a while.... "your mother should have taken the other pill"

 

[devildog1170]

You were an alcoholic accident of a washed up hooker

It's rude to say things like that to your mother

 

[James Cassidy]

I used to call people Nematode Excrement

translated: Worm shit.

 

[devildog1170]

you were caused by a chemical spillage in Germany

you were placed here by sadam during the first gulf war to lower morale

when i look at you i feel better about myself

there's a guy in my year going out with someone four years younger than him (he's 17), this is a dialogue between me and him
"How long have you two been going out?"
"About a year and a half"
"So she's, what, doubled in age in that time?"
he wasn't happy with me, luckily he's tiny and pathetic and couldn't do anything if he tried.

your friend's kinda creepy man. that means the chick was probably 11ish and he was 15 or 16

 

[Rigs83]

Was your mother pro choice before or after she saw you?

 

[Fingerprint]

You muppet.

I love that insult, you can use it in just about any scenario.