Cheating in relationships

Aerevolt

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With the recent Zoe everything going on I realize just how much of the topic is about what a "lying cheating slut" she is.after reading the full description of pretty much every detail of the end of their relationship and their break up online, I got to thinking about myself and other people's views on cheating. Pretty much everything Zoe did reminded me of my bipolar ex boyfriend: the cheating the lying and be completely ridiculous statements that you'd have to be an idiot to believe, but I still somehow believed.

Being cheated on sucks. It especially sucks when it's your first love, and it's even worse if you know all the details. Here are some ridiculous lies my boyfriend told me

-one of his friends thought it would be funny to give him hickeys all over his body
- he has no idea why this other girl would say that he's her boyfriend
- we don't need to use condoms, because he's not cheating (that seems to be pretty popular)

I can't think of any others right now. Most of this took place almost a decade ago. Despite the fact that the thought of him with anyone else made me physically ill the flagrant lying to my face bothered me more than anything else.

my questions to you all,
Why stay in a relationship when you know someone is cheating?
Why do you have to suspend all reason in order to stay in the relationship?
If you break up because your significant other cheated on you is it ok to post every detail on the internet for all to see, including names?

These are tough questions and even I don't think I have my own answers, but it would be interesting to see if there are common patterns. Feel free to share your own completely ridiculous lies that you believed from a cheater.
 

Queen Michael

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When I found out that my girlfriend was cheating on me, I considered breaking up, and told her about my decision to do so four days later.
 

Sniper Team 4

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I've never been cheated on, but I don't think I'd be able to handle it. Even if it was one time, my trust in her would be destroyed. I would spend the rest of the time always wondering what she was doing when she went out and if she really wasn't seeing anyone else. That is not a healthy relationship, so if she cheats, I would be gone.

Why do people stay? Love is an addiction for some, while others feel like they've failed if they quit, others are yearning for 'affection' so badly that they'll endure anything, and others still think that they can fix whatever the problem was that caused the cheating in the first place if they just keep going.

No, I don't think it's okay. Posting that "So-and-so cheated on me," is fine in most cases, but some people take it way too far. They take it to the point where they literally ruin the other person's life. Look, it sucks that you got cheated on. If your in a marriage, it sucks even more, but a lot of people run the other person into the ground. And to me, that's not okay. Suck it up, move on, and learn from the experience. Don't behave like a little two-year-old brat out for revenge.
 

Colour Scientist

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I wouldn't stay in a relationship if my significant other cheated.

Not ever, not for anyone, I wouldn't be able to trust that person again and I have more pride than that.

That said, I generally think less of people who make their relationship problems public. If someone posts about their relationship drama on Facebook or whatever, I generally think of them as being quite petty and immature.
 

Aerevolt

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After being subjected to such a heinous betrayal, telling people about what they've done is one of the most tame moves you could make. I mean they've spent however long the affair lasted lying and manipulating at the least, in a complete act of betrayal, for nothing more than their own selfish pleasure.
And all you're doing is telling the truth in an attempt to deal with the horrible things that have been done to you.

Don't get me wrong, it's more admirable to have some class about the whole deal.
But I don't judge people negatively for seeking a little justice, a little restitution. I judge people positively for rising above it.

I sometimes wonder if those who judge others for "airing dirty laundry" as it's often called, just don't understand how traumatic and painful infidelity can be.
And I can't see what differentiates it from other traumas that can be inflicted upon someone. If someone unfairly cost you your job, stole from you or subjected you to domestic violence no one would blame you for telling the world. What makes this different?
 

Padwolf

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I have been cheated on. Sadly in both my past relationships I have been cheated on. Always with the one girl they say "Only a friend. A really good old friend that I've known for years. We may have messed around in the past but it's ok because we never would have worked out. Also they are just a really good friend. I swear nothing happened!". In the first relationship where it happened I stayed for a while for reasons I can't really understand. I was young, I was naive. However the relationship was not the same after. It didn't last long and was over because he broke up with me out of guilt because he cheated on me again. Cheating in a relationship is one of the most brutal and harsh things you could ever do to a person. It takes a very long time to recover from. It really shakes you up.

Would I post every little detail about it online including names? No. I don't believe in making relationship drama something public online. Certainly wouldn't post the story to facebook or anything like that. I'd post a story here but not with names and only if it was part of the topic at hand, like this for example. However whenever someone has asked me about what happened I have been honest and talked about the whole thing, including names. Why shouldn't I? Did the men who cheated on me care about my feelings? No, they obviously didn't. I don't do it for revenge or for anything petty, to be honest I do that only because it has helped me deal with the issue. Though for some reason it made me feel some shame, as if it were MY fault that it happened.
 

Aerevolt

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Padwolf said:
I have been cheated on. Sadly in both my past relationships I have been cheated on. Always with the one girl they say "Only a friend. A really good old friend that I've known for years. We may have messed around in the past but it's ok because we never would have worked out.
Sorry to hear that. I'm not sure what would happen if I found out I was being cheated on, again.

The longest relationship I've had since the big, bad breakup, is with another girl where monogamy is out of the question, because she has a boyfriend. People having sex with other people is fine with me, as long as there's no lying involved. (And it's safe)
 

shootthebandit

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I dont understand cheating. If you want to be with someone else just say so and move on. Dont keep leading someone alone
 

DoomyMcDoom

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shootthebandit said:
I don't understand cheating. If you want to be with someone else, just say so, and move on. Don't keep leading someone along.
You have the same thoughts on the matter as I have.

However, I must add that if someone ever cheated on me, I would end it right then and there. I have been in quite a few relationships, and ended more than half of them myself, mainly due to finding that I couldn't stand the woman I was with, though to be fair there were many other reasons at play, I just forget most of them.
Why some guys puss out, and lie and cheat, is beyond me.

I honestly don't think I could live with myself if I were to stoop to such a level of cowardice, neither do I think I would be able to respect myself if I gave anyone who cheated on me, a second chance.

Capcha: falling pianos.

Very good capcha, very good description of the devastation of that level of betrayal of trust indeed.
 

Bernzz

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I've never been cheated on (that I know of), but I know I wouldn't be able to handle it. I'd be crushed.

My most recent ex was cheated on a lot in her past, and she also cheated on the guy that did it to her.

Which then led into her having serious problems with me having good female friends, culminating in her accusing me of cheating at the end of the relationship a few days after we broke up.

After being honest to a fault and admitting how much I despise the thought of cheating, and that's what I get remembered for. Fun times.

OT, if I was cheated on, I'd end it. I couldn't be in that kind of relationship. I couldn't be with someone who cared about me that little, to not be able to keep their fucking pants on.
 

Gxas

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I've been cheated on.

A few times.

By the same person.

And yeah, fool me once, blah blah blah.

But I felt/feel - I don't even know anymore - so strongly for this girl, that I can't help but keep going back. I'm learning my lesson slowly, but it does suck. Every time.

The worst part is that she also cheated on someone else with me, as well. When I learned that, I wasn't happy.

It's a rough, rough deal, no matter what side you're on.
 

Bara_no_Hime

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Aerevolt said:
Why stay in a relationship when you know someone is cheating?
Perhaps because there is a thing called forgiveness? People make mistakes - it isn't wrong to talk about it or give them another chance.

Not necessarily in your case, since the examples you provided seemed both unrepentant and kinda of assholish (on his part, I mean). But cheating comes in many different forms.

Aerevolt said:
Why do you have to suspend all reason in order to stay in the relationship?
I haven't ever really encountered this specific situation, so I'm not really sure what to say to it.

Aerevolt said:
If you break up because your significant other cheated on you is it ok to post every detail on the internet for all to see, including names?
No. That's never okay.

Just because someone was cruel to you doesn't mean you should be equally cruel back to them. That just lowers you to their level. Rise above it and be the better person.

Edit: AND now I feel like an idiot, since this isn't anything YOU plan to do, but rather your response to additional details of the Zoe thing that I wasn't aware of at the time of posting this.

Anyway, my point still stands. /Edit

Aerevolt said:
Feel free to share your own completely ridiculous lies that you believed from a cheater.
I get that you're bitter, but I really don't think this is a helpful thing. If you're this upset, then break things off and move on. There's no reason to wallow in your anger like this. Again, be the better person and move on.
 

MrMixelPixel

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Maybe I'm just an ableist coward, but I don't think I'd instantly hate someone for cheating on me. In fact, a girlfriend I had a while back did just that. We're still friends. The guy is pretty cool. And kind of cute. Though as some context, I was a pretty shitty boyfriend. I've never been good at intimacy and that's pretty much killed every relationship. It's probably a lot easier to forgive being cheated on when you're not romantically in love with your partner.

Edit: I dare say though, that even if I was a more affectionate, loving boyfriend, I'd still be able to forgive the fact that she cheated on me. There isn't a good a reason to cheat on someone, but there are plenty of empathetic reasons.
 

Johnny Novgorod

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Aerevolt said:
Why stay in a relationship when you know someone is cheating?
Because I'm not that possessive, or I'm just too attached, or I'm afraid I won't find someone else. Not that identify with any of these but you want reasons, I'm sure people have them.

Why do you have to suspend all reason in order to stay in the relationship?
See above.

If you break up because your significant other cheated on you is it ok to post every detail on the internet for all to see, including names?
No.

EDIT: And for the record, I wouldn't want to be with my girlfriend anymore if I found out she was cheating or has cheated on me. Forgiveness or no forgiveness I can't be with someone I can't trust.
 

TaboriHK

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Relationships are just that - relationships. Secrecy and two-faced behaviors are not a part of them. My wife and I communicate about everything - everything. It's perfectly normal in a healthy relationship. If your partner doesn't feel like they can be truthful with you, you're not in much of a partnership.
 

Aerevolt

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TaboriHK said:
My wife and I communicate about everything - everything. It's perfectly normal in a healthy relationship.
Same, though I think mine is getting a little weary of my bowel movement updates. Gonna have to scale back my communication a little I think.
 

Michel Henzel

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I wouldn't know why some one would stay with a person who cheated on them. I have been cheated on before, and while I stilled loved her very much and see claimed to have massive regrets etc. I just could not bring myself to trust her anymore, and while I still loved her, at the same time she filled me with disgust. If I was to stay with her I would have only ended up hurting myself.
 

KenAri

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I've never been cheated on, but in the past I've made girls cheat on their boyfriends with me. Anybody want the villain's viewpoint?

I justified it completely. I've always held that 'if you want something badly enough, fight for it, no matter what's in your way' and that's what I did. In my eyes, if the woman decided to cheat, it meant her boyfriend wasn't fully satisfying her emotional needs and I'd be rescuing her from an non-fulfilling relationship. At least in my mind at the time.

I think that if a person ever falls for another while already in a relationship, it means their relationship isn't providing them with everything they need from a partner. For this reason, they should end it. If they don't, it's a lot harsher than actually cheating, because from this point on they would be essentially leading their current partner on with something they know isn't going to work. For the same reason, if a person is cheated on they should end things there and then, because for whatever reason, they aren't right for their partner.

Edit: Ermergerd, Grermer
 

Aerevolt

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I've been cheated on and I have been the other woman. Unknowingly, in both circumstances. There is no good answer as to why.

I married now, am I still attracted to other people? Yes, I'm human. Would I ever cheat on my husband? Well of course not. It's not just that I love him, that's the easy answer. There's mutual respect, there's the friendship involved, there's the sex which is amazing, and honesty when we're unhappy with something. There's an openness to our relationship that was there before we got married that keeps us not just happy, but in a state of contentment.

And I have to say, when I look back on my past relationships, the ones where I was cheated on, I wasn't content. Even when I didn't know I was being cheated on, there was always an underlying tension there. Something was never quite right. The small niggling sense of doubt, of self preservation that sits in the back of your mind where you know something is wrong but you just can't quite put your finger on it. And maybe that's the difference.

I was against marriage and commitment for the longest time. And yet here I am. I didn't dream of a huge wedding (we still had a rather big one because of his large extended family, but I got to elope with him one week so I got my small wedding with just two people), and we don't have a large house with a picket fence. We argue and we have fights, and I know that he will do stupid shit and piss me off. But for once in my life I can honestly say there is one thing I don't have to worry about, and that's him cheating on me.

Oh, I'm not saying the fear has gone away. When you've been cheated on multiple times the insecurity doesn't completely go away. But I'd like to say that it's not as pressing as it once was. So, you know... it gets better? I think that's what I'm trying to say? I'm not even sure anymore. I started rambling again.
 

TaboriHK

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Baffle said:
TaboriHK said:
My wife and I communicate about everything - everything. It's perfectly normal in a healthy relationship.
Same, though I think mine is getting a little weary of my bowel movement updates. Gonna have to scale back my communication a little I think.
Mine married the wrong person if she thought she'd ever get away from those XD