Goddammit. This was the best episode of the season. It also had some of the most retarded shit in the series. But there was actually quite a lot of good stuff. And also retardation. But also good. Is this what "ambivalence" means?
I was legitimately enjoying the first half an hour, Varys' extremely ungrateful end not withstanding; the super dour atmosphere, the interaction between Tyrion and Jaime, the genuinely great sense of impending doom the show managed to build. This episode more than any other proves that D&D should stick to being showrunners, and chased out of any writers' room with pitchforks and torches. Because when the show shuts the fuck up for a second and lets the director take the reins, it's actually great: The music, direction and acting all worked wonders. The fight between Euron and Jaime was wonderfully brutal and bitter. There was some delightfully meaty gore in the fight scenes. I was even impressed by Emilia Clarke's acting on the shot where she's standing on the back of her dragon with tears in her eyes, excellently conveying a character out of her depth.
The whole episode was like yo-yoing between a wonderful climax, and the fanfiction of a 12 year old. One minute I'm impressed by the atmosphere, the next I'm facepalming at the battle tactics that were written by a 5-year old. One minute I'm enjoying the brutality with which the events are depicted, the next I groan at how Arya and Sandor just walk into King's Landing without any disguises whatsoever. Every other minute I'd switch between "Oooh!" and "Aaaarrrggghhh!"
The first 30 minutes I have only one issue with (Varys' death), but let's break down the rest:
- armies park within like a 100 yards of each other, perfectly visible and within ranged weapon range. The Golden Company is hauled outside because D&D are retards who literally don't understand military tactics on even a 4-year old's level.
- Euron's armada of 360 noscoping overpowered scorpions apparently got massively nerfed in the latest patch, and pose no resistance whatsoever.
- Stone buildings literally explode from dragonfire like they're pi?atas stuffed with firecrackers and TNT. Hey, didn't we have like, a line about what can melt stone in the second season? The one that was kind of a big bit of worldbuilding? Eh, whatever, let's just have enough EXPLOSIOOOOOOOONS to make Michael Bay say "Stop, I can only get so erect!".
- Wasn't the Mountain established to be pretty much a zombie? Apparently not, since all of a sudden he just forgets that because somewhere in the distance an airhorn is blowing and the writers are 12-year olds.
- Stone structures fall over from dragonfire like they're made of matches, held together with blu-tack.
- Jaime gets stabbed twice within the abdomen with a 1,5 footlong dagger, probably puncturing several vital organs, but apparently that ain't no biggie because he just walks to Cersei no problem. Through what is undoubtedly hundreds of steps of steep stairs.
- Jaime gets released the previous night, and yet it somehow takes him the entire day to get to his destination. Which apparently includes walking into the middle of a city, then teleporting to a waterfront, and into the red keep. See, this is why establishing world geography is important.
- Apparently King's Landing in its entirety is held together with wishful thinking and what was scraped off the wet patch in the sheets the morning after, because at a point buildings just start to fall over on their own with no rhyme or reason.
- Why is Davos on the frontline leading the men? He's not a commander, hell, he's not even an officer, but... oh wait, I remember now! It's because the writers are 12 year olds.
- So apparently all it took anyway for Arya to be shaken out of her bloodlust was a pep talk from the Hound that they literally already had several seasons ago!
I'm probably already forgetting something despite having finished the show less than 40 minutes ago. Honestly I'm starting to gain a kind of respect for this season. Like, this is reaching The Room levels of badness. A perfect case study of what not to do. A once in a generation culmination of fuck-up, incompetence and boredom that should be shown in film classes to show how not to make an ending.
The ending. Oh, am I excited to see just how fucking bad this can get!