Poll: Do you believe the Friend Zone exists?

[florzk]

To start off. i voted "yes." This is because of a particular experience I had. I only recently graduated from high school. The girl in question was a grade below me. We met because my best friend had dated her briefly 3 years prior. Initially, I didn't have feelings for her, but as time went on and we both matured emotionally, I started to fall for her... hard. I only worked up the nerve to ask her out in person about a week before graduation. (it was my first time doing so, and she was fully aware of that.) She was aware of my intention to ask her out several days in advance, and actually in retrospect she kinda led me on for a few days, not that she probably wanted to. in the end, when I finally did ask her out, she said no, that she wasn't interested in dating anyone. I, being the rational person i am, logically assumed she really just had no interest in me and wanted to let me down easy, and that was the end of that. i was heartbroken for a little while, but got over it and am still good friends with her.

Now comes the twist. other than my friend, all of the other boyfriends she had in high school (3 of them) were total douches. She realized that, at least after breaking up with them. Now, I also had it on very good authority that, at least at some point, she had a huge crush on me. Finally, as I learned only after the fact, she had ended some very good friendships on very bad terms with some of her other guy friends because they had done the stereotypical "hey imma be yur best friend now gimme sex" thing,, and had been very upset when that didnt work out for them. also, her breakup with her last boyfriend had gone very badly. this has called alot of things back into question for me.

Basically, given all of the circumstances, I have begun to think that she turned me down because, in her mind, she thought that it would be healthier for the both of us if we simply remained friends, as opposed to her actually not being interested in me.

TL;DR, I had a relevant experience, and have concluded that the friend zone exists when the party recieving opts to "remain friends" out of genuine concern for the giving party rather than real lack of interest. In other words, when the costs of dating a friend who likes you seem to outweigh the benefits.

 

[aegix drakan_v1legacy]

Well yeah, it's pretty unequivocal. If you are romantically interested in someone and they know about it, but choose to maintain a friendship with you regardless, you are in "the friend zone". That's literally all it means.

Of course, insult may be added to injury if they start to take advantage of your affections for perks (such as gifts, help with work etc.).

Yeah, you just summarized it perfectly.

I still find it annoying when people misattribute it, though.

 

[kyp275]

I still find it annoying when people misattribute it, though.

Reading through this thread, mis-attributing the term is pretty much what 95% of the people in here have been doing.

 

[Kathinka]

Well of course it's a real thing.

1) It's possible to be friends or want to be friends with someone without having romantic feelings for them.
2) It's possible for person A to feel friendship, but not romantic affection towards person B, and person B to feel romantic affection.

If we assume these 2 things to be true, which i think should be self evident, than we can conclude that the friend zone exists.

i dunno. i don't think so. i think the whole concept was invented by rejected guys who can't deal with the fact that they aren't attractive to a girl or girls they want. sorry, but no amount of being nice or doing good things entitle you to be attractive for a girl. sure there are some girls that will abuse the affection of guys for personal gain. but the whole concept is just stupid, and reason why guys that usually whine about the friend zone aren't attractive in the first place. if you want to be attractive and desirable for her, show her that you will NOT do anything for her. girls don't want pushovers, we want independent guys with so much to offer, we are NOT his only shot at happiness.

So women want naturally uncaring and selfish guys and then everyone wonders why domestic abuse happens
It's like those people who get eaten by their pet anacondas, i mean, what did you think was going to happen when you bought that soulless reptile into your life?

just because a guy is desirable enough to have options besides me and independent enough to not break down when rejected doesn't make him selfish.

in fairness though, i mistyped. i didn't mean to say "doesn't do anything for her" but "doesn't do EVERYTHING for her."

 

[TheYellowCellPhone]

I would say that a friend zone exists, when you view a person as a friend and aren't romantically attracted to them... but it's not a bad thing or worth bitching about on the Internet, it's the basis of pretty much every friendship ever.

Where the Internet crocodile tears start is when the feelings aren't mutual, but I don't want to start a topic on that.

 

[FPLOON]

Well, despite being indifferent to the "many" concepts of the so-called "Friend Zone", I still say that it only exist if you make it exist... Then again, it still depends on what you think the"Friend Zone" means to you, per se, so... *shrugs*

 

[Ikaruga33]

It exists, but I don't blame women for it.
If she just wants to be friends with me, that's cool.
It's her life and she can do whatever she wants with it.

 

[L. Declis]

Snipped for your pleasure

So, you guys do not think women are more attracted to men they have feelings for, based on how they are treated by those men? Sounds like someone is disillusioned.

I have personally done this, thrice. My current girlfriend of 1.5 years (we never argue) was a originally a friend who i put kindness coins into until sex fell out. Don't judge me bro.

The friend zone exists and does not need to be a negative thing. Really that hard to escape from, unless maybe your jerk instincts are uncontrollable.

I am not saying that people who are friends and then date are impossible or even unlikely; to me, the friendzone is simply a case of where the guy has confessed his feelings, been shot down, and rather than moving on or getting over those feelings believes that he simply has to keep trying, not give up and eventually she will decide to date him.

That said, nearly every worthwhile relationship I had started as a relationship almost immediately. We're both nice people, we're both attracted to each other, why not?

And now we're probably getting married.

If you were friends with your girl before hand, fair dos. I'm glad your friendship evolved into something beautiful. But sometimes it doesn't go that way, shit gets toxic and the guy has never been told "If that's the case, get out of there". He's probably been told "You're a special person, you're correct in thinking you're perfect for her, so just KEEP trying." That's a bad attitude which is thrown at men ever since they are young.

 

[peruvianskys]

So women want naturally uncaring and selfish guys and then everyone wonders why domestic abuse happens
It's like those people who get eaten by their pet anacondas, i mean, what did you think was going to happen when you bought that soulless reptile into your life?

Maybe all these folks complaining about the "friend zone" should consider why abusive, shitty men are considered more viable partners. Like, for all the lamentations about "soulless reptiles" and all that, you get that the super sensitive friendzone boys are actually *just as dangerous* as the "jocks" and are also as an added bonus really annoying, right?

The vast majority of those who voice frustration at being in the "friendzone" are being turned away because the kind of entitled and spiteful man who would invent the concept in the first place is not attractive - let alone, you know, safe - for most women.

Domestic abuse happens, actually, for the exact same reason the "friendzone" happens - because men think that their feelings and their desires and their demands matter more than women's dignity and freedom, and they get angry and lash out when they're denied anything they might want.

 

[RedDeadFred]

I do think that there exists a state of relation between two people where one wants to be more while the other likes what they have and either does not want to risk losing what they have, or simply cannot think of the other person in a romantic way.

If you want to call that the friend zone, then sure, I think it's real.

 

[The Enquirer]

I went with no, because I'm really not sure what we're classifying as "friend-zoning" here.

 

[ElMinotoro]

Everyone has their own definition of friend-zone. Some are pretty inoffensive, some reduce women to poker machines. There's a huge amount of baggage to the term.

My take is that the friend zone is real, but it's something you place yourself into. You put yourself there and there's no blame to be given to the other party.

The friendzone is the depression you get after being given the "You're such a nice guy" speech one too many times. It sucks and all but there's not really much to blame. Just get better with dealing with rejection.

 

[Fieldy409_v1legacy]

I always thought of the friendzone as a new way of saying unrequited love especially since saying you love someone too early, and especially before you even date them, is supposedly bad/crazy/commitmenty and people needed a new term.

But lately ive been seeing nothing but scorn and hatred poured on the term by the internet. With any mere mention of the friend zone usually immediately replied with 'Women arent just machines that you put niceness in and get sex back out of'

It sucks to be rejected, and can easily happen that you get your hopes up when someone youve known and been getting along with through friends or a social venue for some months or reconnected with from a long time ago. The narrative in your head can be that you guys are flirting whilst hers is just that hes a cool that i enjoy hanging with.

A couple of years ago I asked a girl out for coffee and she came along, I didnt make the context datey enough I guess cause she just came because she liked talking to me. She wasnt interested in me romantically at all. That sucked but I had to deal with it. Id call that being in the friendzone.

 

[RagingTiger]

I always found the friend-zone as something people use to justify their jadedness at simply not being found attractive by someone they liked. It's rather selfish to only become friends with someone to at some point get serious, then blame the friend-zone because they didn't want the same thing.

 

[BoredRolePlayer]

From the way people describe the "friend zone" it sounds like getting rejected. Why is this a thing popping up on the internet as of late? You get rejected and you either stay friends or move on in life, this whining and bitching just makes you look like an entitled ass.

 

[L. Declis]

From the way people describe the "friend zone" it sounds like getting rejected. Why is this a thing popping up on the internet as of late? You get rejected and you either stay friends or move on in life, this whining and bitching just makes you look like an entitled ass.

I always found the friend-zone as something people use to justify their jadedness at simply not being found attractive by someone they liked. It's rather selfish to only become friends with someone to at some point get serious, then blame the friend-zone because they didn't want the same thing.

The reason the friendzoned sticks with the friendzonee is because the friendzoned has been told his whole life that as long as he sticks it out, as long as he becomes an EVEN BETTER FRIEND, she will eventually fall in love with him.

Think Ted and Robin from How I Met Your Mother. Think Ross and Rachel in the first few seasons of Friends. Think every single Rom-Com ever.

How often are we told "And it turned out the best guy was under her nose the entire time?"

In stories, a lot.
In real life, ehhh, maybe 50:50.

So people who get rejected don't hear rejection, they hear:

She hasn't yet realised my brilliance. I shall continue to hang around
Just wait for her to break up with her boyfriend (which I can speed up by pointing out his flaws) and she'll come to me
I'll get her a gift, then she'll realise how much I love her
I'll listen to her problems because she trusts me the most and it will lead to love

All of the above is simply a warped view of other messages men are told.

Quitters never win / Good things come to those who wait
Bad guys lose and the hero gets the girl
Girls like you buying shiny crap
Girls want a shoulder to cry on

Throw in a message of "Everyone should always be in love" and "True love always wins", add a dash of teenage hormones and then a gallon of "I don't understand the opposite gender", shake and put it into a large bottle labelled "Teenage self-centredness" and you come up with the attitude that leads to friendzoning.

Yes, this happens to girls too, but I am not a girl and don't presume to speak for them. It's probably similar though.

I always thought of the friendzone as a new way of saying unrequited love especially since saying you love someone too early, and especially before you even date them, is supposedly bad/crazy/commitmenty and people needed a new term.

But lately ive been seeing nothing but scorn and hatred poured on the term by the internet. With any mere mention of the friend zone usually immediately replied with 'Women arent just machines that you put niceness in and get sex back out of'

It sucks to be rejected, and can easily happen that you get your hopes up when someone youve known and been getting along with through friends or a social venue for some months or reconnected with from a long time ago. The narrative in your head can be that you guys are flirting whilst hers is just that hes a cool that i enjoy hanging with.

A couple of years ago I asked a girl out for coffee and she came along, I didnt make the context datey enough I guess cause she just came because she liked talking to me. She wasnt interested in me romantically at all. That sucked but I had to deal with it. Id call that being in the friendzone.

Yeah, kinda this.

My take is that the friend zone is real, but it's something you place yourself into. You put yourself there and there's no blame to be given to the other party.

The friendzone is the depression you get after being given the "You're such a nice guy" speech one too many times. It sucks and all but there's not really much to blame. Just get better with dealing with rejection.

Also read this.

So women want naturally uncaring and selfish guys and then everyone wonders why domestic abuse happens
It's like those people who get eaten by their pet anacondas, i mean, what did you think was going to happen when you bought that soulless reptile into your life?

Maybe all these folks complaining about the "friend zone" should consider why abusive, shitty men are considered more viable partners. Like, for all the lamentations about "soulless reptiles" and all that, you get that the super sensitive friendzone boys are actually *just as dangerous* as the "jocks" and are also as an added bonus really annoying, right?

The vast majority of those who voice frustration at being in the "friendzone" are being turned away because the kind of entitled and spiteful man who would invent the concept in the first place is not attractive - let alone, you know, safe - for most women.

Domestic abuse happens, actually, for the exact same reason the "friendzone" happens - because men think that their feelings and their desires and their demands matter more than women's dignity and freedom, and they get angry and lash out when they're denied anything they might want.

Ummm....

Yeah, domestic abuse happens both ways. There is some research to suggest that it's now somewhat 50:50 in genders abusing each other.

The way you wrote that... That's a very misandrist way of approaching the problem. I'd say that male to female domestic abuse is more:

Lack of anger control or healthy way to deal with emotions
An inability to leave the conversation
A power trip
And also, what you suggested.

It's a more complex issue than you present it. I don't want to pull out the special snowflake "Yeah, I was a victim" but I have suffered at the hands of an ex-girlfriend who crippled me emotionally and made me consider suicide for half a year before I could bring myself to leave her, and abuse is not so black and white as people say.

 

[Batou667]

I'm a bit saddened by the prevalent sentiment expressed here, that "friendzoned" males are all entitled creeps and the women involved are by definition blameless.

I think there's a bit of an unpleasant, mostly unexamined and unchallenged whiff of misandry about the current "liberal" majority consensus. In the past there existed a paradigm where just about anything sexual a man did was excused and anything a woman did - or didn't - was free game for judgment. Obviously this was bad. Then Feminism happened, sexual liberation happened - but rather than completely deconstructing these restrictive sexual hang-ups and establishing a level playing ground, it seems we've simply shifted this archaic and prudish baggage onto men in a kind of neo-puritanism, and decided that it's now women's turn to be the sexually privileged group who are beyond reproach.

To use the much-reviled (but useful) hierarchical terms -

Alpha males who get out there and actively pursue sex with a large number of women are seen as fickle, exploitative, predatory. They're a vestigial remnant of a bygone age of entitled male sexual dominance. They're the frat boys, the bro-dudes, the peacocking misogynists who revel in objectifying women. There's no place for these cavemen in progressive, liberal society.

Beta males who try to charm one woman at a time? Eww, they're creeps, obsessives, practically stalkers. They pretend to be nice, but actually all they want is SEX (and possibly companionship, affection and love, but let's simplify it to SEX because that makes them sound more predatory). They think that being nice to women might help them secure a romantic relationship - doesn't it make you sick? And when they get rejected, some of these pouting manchildren have the nerve to display their emotions by being upset! Ha! Have you ever heard of anything so pathetic? Truly, these Schrodinger's Rapists deserve nothing but contempt.

And the Omega males, the Bronies and Warhammer nerds and computer geeks? Well, they're the worst. They've long given up on forming a relationship with a female, at least outside of their anime figurines. What losers! What sad specimen resigns himself to celibacy? Point and laugh, people; point and laugh.

See what I mean? Whatever a guy does, society has a belittling epithet to throw at him. Is the same true for women? Not in our new, progressive paradigm: it's her body, her choice; slut-shaming is hate-speech; you don't want to be called a misogynist, do you?

Perhaps we should cut guys a break, especially the ones who have done nothing more than have a crush on a girl, dared to hope, and been disappointed? And let's not forget that in some circles, it's almost standard operating procedure for a spurned woman to character-assassinate the guy who turned her down, warn other girls off him by spreading rumours, and even physically assaulting him or damaging his property if she feels sufficiently aggrieved (now who's "entitled"?). Meh. Couldn't we all stand to have a little more empathy?

And, like I said in my previous post: women, don't string guys along. If they're clearly into you but you don't feel the same about them, let them down gently. Exploiting them for favours, money, car rides, one-sided emotional support, etc, makes you not much of a "real friend" yourself.

 

[Rblade]

I do believe that the one you love doesn't always love you even if they don't directly hate you, so if you want to consider that a zone then yes. But over the years I have been convinced that this supposed man trap doesn't exist.