Self Harm and You

[EHKOS]

Male, 20, Strait.

Twice in my life I smashed my knuckles up against brick, to make them bleed. I don't like doing that so much because I don't want to fuck up my wrist.

Suicidal with a leash, I can't ever do it because of my mom. And the odds say I have a good chance of being in a place I don't want to be for eternity after. So there's a bit of a death wish. But I have to try my best to stop it, unless it's taking it for someone else. Otherwise, in anyone's eyes, it's suicide.

But I only don't physically self-harm much besides a cigarette every once in a great while. Whatever my DNA makeup is, it gave me a very low pain tolerance.

 

[Filiecs]

18,Male,Straight

Never

I've never experienced any sort of depression, though I have been surrounded by friends who suffered heavily from it. Some of them DID self harm. Hell, one of them even carved the word "Failure" into is arm. He eventually became suicidal, and he was so close to actually killing himself that I had to call the police.

The closest I've ever come to any sort of depression was in the summer where I was waiting to go to college. I had absolutely no idea what to do and felt like a sluggish and worthless slab of meat. I pretty much just felt lazy, though, it didn't even cross my mind to hurt myself. Of course, that all changed when college started and I became more satisfied with my life then ever.

 

[Spider RedNight]

Christ. I just wanna bash the self-harmers in this thread, but I just can't bring myself to care anymore.
Welp, that and I've done far stupider crap in this lifetime so I have no place for judging. 23, Male, mostly straight.

I appreciate this post, my man. It was, like, two in the morning when I posted my 'sob story' and when I submitted it, I realized "wait... why do I care?" because I guess I'm mentally defunct or something because I REALLY don't.

But I'm a pansy and I don't REALLY wanna post my disagreement on here - I've been doing pretty good about staying out of trouble and I'm not sure what EXACTLY the judging criteria is for getting a warning on a post.

 

[Angelowl]

Thanks to my wonderful and amazing super power of 'Schizophrenia', I occasionally have some pretty powerful hallucinations, with them several times manifesting as the feeling that something was living inside my arms that I needed to get out.

Glad I'm not the only one here who have that. Apparently the hallucination of having something moving under your skin is pretty common amongst schizophrenic.

Even on meds I have it sometimes, one time when I was riding the bus. Had to pretend like nothing was happening but it's one of the worse feeling you can experience.

Oh brain, why are you so fucked up

The last part is something I frequently wonder about, not to mention complain a fair bit about. Those parts of your brain that you can not control, which gives you impulses and thoughts that you just can not seem to get rid of. Quite frightening at times.

"Brain, just shut up and let me focus for once!" is something I tend to say to myself at times.

 

[ScrabbitRabbit]

I used to hit myself and punch/headbutt walls when I went into particularly bad moods, but I stopped for a long time, even as my moods got worse. I recently cut myself for the first time during a pretty dark daydream; didn't even realize what I was doing. I was sat at my desk in work and when I came to from the dream, I was bleeding. I managed to hide it and no-one saw.

This came after a half-hearted suicide attempt (got a belt around my neck and gave up trying to find something to hook it to within about 5 minutes) and right before the worst panic attack I've ever had (right in the middle of work, again).

I've had 'episodes' throughout most of my life, but I've only recently sought serious help (school tried to give me counselling but I wasn't very co-operative or honest). About a week or two ago I was diagnosed with depression and declared temporarily unfit for work, to be re-assessed in the middle of January.

For the people wondering why I, and the other people like me, are sharing this stuff; it's because the best thing about internet forums is venting about all your dumb crap to a bunch of people who barely know who you even are. Though I guess my profile doesn't hide my identity very well.

Male, 22, straight.

 

[awesomeClaw]

I´ve never cut myself or anything like that.

But there´s been quite a few times where I´ve had two clear choices - one that gets me in trouble and one that lets me continue on just fine. And a majority of the time, I´ve chosen to do the very thing I know is wrong and I know will get me into trouble. After the fact, I´m uncertain as to why I ever did what I did.

That´s not selfharm exactly, but it is self-destructive, which is sort of similar, I think. (If it´s not at all similar and I´m offending everyone, I apoligize in advance.)

Male, straight, 16.

 

[game-lover]

I have not seriously done so, no.

During times when I got incredibly upset for one reason or another back when I was younger, I used to halfheartedly choke myself. The closest that I came was probably when I toyed with the thought of stabbing my thigh with scissors.

But I couldn't bring myself. Honestly, I'm a baby about pain so I probably could never manage even if a genuine urge came.

25, Female, Straight

 

[Jedamethis]

Damn, it's kind of comforting to see the sheer amount of people here. Yeah, I have. Figured I deserved it, which wasn't a reason I'd ever heard other people do it for, so I'm glad it's an actual reason that other people have had. Knife and blunt instrument, nice to know I'm not alone in the blunt instrument. I stopped because I thought about it, very hard, and realised that my reason didn't work. If I was doing it because I deserved it, like a punishment, then there had to be a certain amount that I deserved because of what I'd done. I couldn't just punish myself forever. So after a while I decided I'd learnt my lesson and I'd try for redemption.
So far I reckon I've made up for everything, and put more good into the world than I've taken out, so all is well.

Male, 17, bisexual
Thanks, guys

 

[Ratties]

Think about harming others, never myself. Had people tell me they are cutters before. I am not really sure what to do with the info because they have all been strangers. Since I don't care about the well being of strangers, I just say that sucks and listen. I have had people tell me this when they are drunk at a party, or some other gathering. Say I listen, I just sort of space out, it looks I am involved.

 

[Shocksplicer]

I've done it a tiny bit in the past, but I suspect that I'll soon start again in earnest.
FYI, I suffer from chronic depression and things are only getting worse.
19 Bi Male

 

[BOOM headshot65]

20, male, Demi-Sexual

I have never intentionally cut myself. The closest I ever got was I cut my wrist opening boxes at work. It was not that deep or painful, but the first thing I thought when I saw it was "Well, this looks bad." In fact, one of the other cashiers commented on it, and I was like "Im not sucidial, I swear."

However, I did hit my head against walls and other hard objects when I was younger. But it would usually be just one hit or two, then I would stubble around thinking "Pain....hurt.....bad idea." The one I still do is pick scabs and bit the skin on the end of my fingers and my lips, which it seems is rather tame compared to some of the other things in here, as I rarely draw blood.

No, what I usually do if I am upset is get on this save file I have on Fallout: New Vegas. I got every single nuclear warhead in the game spending every last cap I had, and have the Fat Man Launcher. I will then go to the Legion Camp with my launcher and guns in tow, an proceed to go to through there, killing every Legion scumbag I see, and then I will stand over the burning, radioactive remains of their pitiful army!

Ha.......
HaHa........
Bwahaaaaaa....

MWAHHHHHHAHHHHHAHAAAAHHHHHAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!

*regains composure* Ehem.......Its much better for me to do it that way, obviously.

 

[JUMBO PALACE]

21, male, heterosexual. Alright, I know this can be a rather touchy forum, but since you asked I'm going to be honest with how I feel about this topic. I have never hurt myself, nor do I think I'll ever have that urge. Sure I've been depressed and upset before, but I really don't see how taking a knife or razor to my skin is going to solve anything. I see people who hurt themselves as weak. If you're depressed or upset address your emotions in some other way. Exercise, play a game, take up a new hobby, write, yell, punch, anything but fucking hurt yourself.

 

[the_duke_CC]

I'm afraid to say I have a long history of self harming, I started something close to 11 years ago now. I did give up 3 years ago but I ended up relapsing a few months ago. I started self harming as a way to cope with the symptoms of the mental illnesses I have (those being paranoid schizophrenia and bi-polar disorder) even though I wasn't diagnosed at the time I still needed relief. If that doesn't make sense then I'm sorry but I'm not very good at explaining stuff like this.

I'm 23,Male,and bi

 

[Lawnmooer]

I'm 19, male and heterosexual.

I've cut myself. Back in middle school and high school, I used to cut into my fingertips, I used to also punch walls as a way to deal with my anger (I used to also get into fights a lot, the self harm reduced the amount of fights I got into and allowed me to not get expelled from school)

I stopped self harming for a while, though as someone dealing with clinical depression, I have attempted suicide several times (Usually overdosing on something and washing it down with toxic levels of alcohol)

I've recently cut myself (Nothing too bad, just shallow cuts into the back of my hand) as I was trying to deal with a lot of messed up things and I find a reassuring clarity that feels pleasurable in the sensation of cutting into my skin. This was about a month maybe 2 months ago (I've not been sleeping well, so I haven't a clue about dates...) and I've not come close to needing to self harm since.

I'm looking to get professional help for dealing with my anger...

As for the self harm? It's only relevant because I'm masochistic... I always fully choose to self harm, there's none of this ambiguity about it or "Can't think clearly" excuses, I use it as a way of easily dealing with a situation much like how normal people use painkillers to deal with headaches.

 

[Gormech]

Yes

Coping mechanism to deal with stress from school/family.

Continuous poking at the skin with varying amounts of pressure from a pocket knife at first. Eventually led to two suicide attempts. One via drugs, the other attempted snapping of neck. Only managed to dislocate.

No, I'd come to terms that the chemical high I got from the experience wasn't helping my life any and decided to start actively taking control of what I could to manage my life some. As time passed, the things that stressed me out so much became menial and helped build a foundation for me to build up on.

Male, 22, Pan but straight in public.

 

[Elvis Starburst]

Jeez, I must be some odd form of masochist to read through every single post... My hands are shaking. Guess I might as well be a bit honest.

No, I never have, though I did contemplate it. What scares me is that I actually had the knife to my wrist only a few months ago, when I was just a little sad. Didn't do it though, cause I don't like pain (In a way, more on that at near the end of my post). I have a great family and had a few friends, but it was me against everyone else in my school days. I was never accepted by many people when I was at school, so I was pretty depressed and sad most of the time, till I got home and could play video games and be with the warmth of my family and forget about it all.

Sometimes in high school, I'd get angry and punch a wall or two, and regret it later. Even a bit more recently, about 6 months ago, I was very angry at work. Went to the washroom, punched a mirror as hard as I could. Didn't shatter it, but one of my managers was walking in (public washroom by the way) and saw me do it, so he asked what was wrong. Just told him I was angry with a friend and resorted to it to vent (Being bored at work made the anger circulate in my mind a whole lot, so I needed something to sate me for the day).

I said earlier I don't like pain, but I do have an exception. I am a Roleplayer online, both adventurous and story driven, and sexual as well. I seemed to have developed a love for masochism online, but only online... Could never do that stuff in person. I have absolutely no idea what would contribute to it. Dunno if it was cause of how tough it was for me to get along with anyone, or... Something. I know I could never enjoy being hurt in person, yet I love it elsewhere. Freaks me out to know what'd cause that. Maybe I didn't need to share this, but I felt it might have linked to something in my story.

Must be some sort of masochist to have gone through all of these posts and ached my heart the way they did just for the sake of throwing my hat into the ring. I'm a curious idiot at times, so maybe that's it.

20/Male/Straight (Sorta. Sliiiightly Bi-Curious)

 

[Master_of_Oldskool]

I went through a very brief period of cutting (about two weeks) a couple of years ago. It was less about savoring the pain than it was "training," as it were, for a full-on suicide attempt. I figured if I could gradually get used to the pain, I would be less likely to chicken out when I made the final cuts. Long story short, I switched to a different antidepressant and suddenly didn't feel like this was a great idea.

18, Male, Bisexual leaning heavily toward women (I really like secondary female sex characteristics- curves, long legs, smooth skin, delicate facial features, etc.- but I'm not really fussed over the whole penis vs. vagina issue)

 

[norashepard]

I do on occasion, sadly, and I'm not really sure why. It just helps. Although at least now I'm starting to get good at it so I cut fancy little designs into my skin instead of the standard straight lines. At least my scars will be pretty.

19, Female, As gay as you can get without life turning into a porno.

 

[Ignatz_Zwakh]

I haven't since I was nineteen. I'm twenty-three now. I'd hurt myself pretty regularly starting when I was fifteen. Usually on my shoulders in quick cutting motions with whatever I could get my hands on blade-wise. I also used to punch trees quite a bit, usually till my knuckles were torn. I was pretty despairing when it came to my school and home situations and it felt like the only thing that could keep me from lashing out at people. That and I sometimes felt I deserved it.

At age eighteen I met this girl I fell totally madly in love with. We went out for about a year, at the end of which she declared a year was too long to date one person, that she was only interested in girls now and besides which she didn't really care for me or anything I valued in life. I went right back to self-mutilation culminating in my badly scarring my left shoulder. This was about three months after her. Since then I haven't, or haven't done anything major at least. I haven't felt like I've had to wound myself even in the darkest moments I've had these past four years. Especially not over someone who would treat me like that. If I get angry now I try to channel it into creative endeavors, or just something other than misery. Not that that's always easy.

I've had my dalliances with guys but I've come to the conclusion that I prefer gals. Which hasn't entirely worked out for me since women never seem interested in me whereas queer dudes tend to home in on me at social gatherings, alas. C'est la vie.

 

[The Lugz]

No.

to clarify, I have hurt myself in pursuit of other goals ( like shaving with a razor blade ) but never for the sheer kicks n giggles of being injured, and I never understood that part but then I have a whacked pain tolerance to begin with so I guess I may just not be 'getting' it. Sometimes I feel irritated by lint or coarse clothes but occasionally I find bruises or cuts I just don't remember.. I'm odd that way

And I don't do internet metadata, so you'll not be getting those, but good luck on your journey, whatever that may be.