The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess-- Dropping the Bombshell

[BlueInkAlchemist]

Haven't played it, but I know how it ends.

You raise good and interesting points only to shoot them down like tin carnival targets. You give decent & scathing criticism with your own style, rather than trying to copy that of another. In that, you've succeeded. So... well done! I guess.

Not much else to say since I haven't played this game and probably never will.

Spoiler: Oh yeah...

For what it's worth, hints of pedophilia & bestiality aside, I think adult Midna's hot. Then again, I'm male, and therefore shallow.

 

[Avatar Roku]

And that's explained by the first Spring Spirit you rescue, so you must not have been paying too much attention.

And yes, Ganon does make an appearance as the end boss, but I meant that we never see him in the physical realm of Twilight, not the game. I mean, we see him once in the fake final boss Zant's flashback and he's just a giant ball of fire, but I don't think that's what he's like in Twilight. If it is, Link got royally shafted.

Really? I don't recall. All I rememeber is something about the 'blue-eyed beast' and 'the impending darkness'.

Ok, now that I think about it, it may have actually been the last one (which is for some reason the only one who's name I remember), Lanyru. He actually explains a lot, come to think of it.

And yeah, the first section of the game, in which you have to rescue the spirits, does kind of suck, but it does pick up after that. Also, Midna's character actually develops. You should have given it more of a chance, the last few dungeons are great (even though it's clear that they originally intended Zant to be the final boss, only for Ganon to get shoehorned in at some point in the development process).

 

[Stikibunn]

As a huge Zelda fan I'd like to firstly agree with you that Twilight Princess sucked and secondly point out that it was released unfinished.
Also the plot was translated poorly to appeal to non-fanboys which it failed to do so the whole game is inherantly crummy.
For a better experience play all the 3d games in order or story, that is Ocarina of Time, Majora's Mask (which has the best storyline I have even encounted and only one of 4 times I ever cried in a game) then Wind Waker which has an entirely different feel to it, a serious story with the appearance of something youthful and fun. Twilight Princess tried too hard to be cool and as such failed miserably as a game. All it does is show some Ocarina of Time things in a more shiny bad-ass-y way

 

[HT_Black]

Really? I don't recall. All I rememeber is something about the 'blue-eyed beast' and 'the impending darkness'.

Ok, now that I think about it, it may have actually been the last one (which is for some reason the only one who's name I remember), Lanyru. He actually explains a lot, come to think of it.

And yeah, the first section of the game, in which you have to rescue the spirits, does kind of suck, but it does pick up after that. Also, Midna's character actually develops. You should have given it more of a chance, the last few dungeons are great (even though it's clear that they originally intended Zant to be the final boss, only for Ganon to get shoehorned in at some point in the development process).

Alright-- I'll pop half a dozen Aderal and see if that doesn't make it easier to stomach.

Or I'll just respectfully decline for the time being.

 

[ma55ter_fett]

I would love to comment on your review but I gave up after five paragraphs.

So I will generalize it by saying only this...

It sucks.

 

[teisjm]

Here's what i get from your review
First the good parts

You have some points right, primarily concerning caracters and story, true teh characters are pretty empty, and the story, while i find it makes perfect sense, is still kinda meh and makes avatars look original.
The jumps can be irritating sometimes, and you're 100% right on the climbing.
You have a sortof compelling style of writing too bad the actual content sucks because of:

The bad parts.

Theres several things that suffer udner the fact that you haven't played through the game. Sometimes it's like reading a movie review based solely on the trailer. Seriously, dislike a game as much as you want, critisism is always better than dazed fanboys, but calling a review of a game you've only played about 15% a feview is as big a lie as the ones you attack the professinals for telling.
If you don't liek teh game and don't want to play through it, fine. if you don't like a game with many fanboys and still stand by your dislike: fine, go ahead.
Just don't do a review of something you didn't bother to play through. It's un-serious. Haver some self-critic dude.
For insatnce, you say it's field everywhere and nothing more. lets just say you're wrong and leave it at that. Theres no need to expalin further.
theres plenty of attacks (and tons of weapons) but you even mention yourself that you wouldn't know about it, cause you hadn't come that far.

Your hatefull attacks on unrelevant things make you seem like a hater (anti-fanboy) This makes people think you're as unserious as a PS3 owner hating on halo without having ever played the game (i've never played halo, and therefore it's simple logic to me that i'm not fit/informed enough to hate it) I'mnto saying you haven't played the game, i'm saying you come off like this was the case, due to your leangthy hate on misc things (explained below)
This also makes your opening statement about wanting to like the game sound like a lie.
Example: midna and link.
1. he's not 12, he's made in japan. While i'm not a big anime or JRPG fan, ic an tell you that a whole lot of japanese characters look like they're teens, whether they're 12, 18 30 years old. This should be obvious to anyone who spends time on a game site.
2. she's riding a wolf, it's not sexual. Do you think of small girls riding on (male) horses in a sexual way? do you think people who scratch theyr pets behind the ears are hoping to get some sexy-time later? If yes (which i doubt) then you're prolly the one who should go to anti-perv treatment.

Recap/TLDR

1. LoZ has uninterreating characters, and simple story, true.
2. If you want to be taken just slightly serious, do your stuff proberbly, don't write reviews of games you haven't played. you just come off as an attention whore, who wants to talka lto about something you don't really know about.
3. if you hate on something, try to be objective, or you come off looking as trustworthy as a fanboy with glistening eyes, whether you're right or not.
4. this seems more like fan-boy bully-ing than an actual review, due to what i've just emntioned.

Take this in mind, and if you do, i'll look forward to your next review.

 

[Graustein]

Despicable characters, a pointless and disengaging story, broken controls, uninteresting combat, annoying puzzles, bad character design, and an absolutely infuriating score make The Legend of Zelda: The Twilight Princess one of the worst things you can waste money on (just above a thumbscrew and just below a blowjob from a starving coyote).

Let's see...
Despicable characters? Well, Midna can be annoying, although I personally liked her. The kids were annoying, but then they were meant to be. Colin is awesome, as is Zant. Zelda, I found to be far too passive in this game, right up until the end. I enjoyed the side-story with Ilia and found Renado to be incredibly awesome. Telma, I found pretty annoying with her thinly-veiled advances.

A pointless and disengaging story? Since you didn't even finish the game, one wonders how you know how the story goes. I had no problems following it, personally, but then again I've played Zelda before.

Broken controls? I played the Gamecube version, but it had the best controls of any Zelda game I've ever played. And the Zelda games in general definitely compare favourably to the action-adventure-whateverthehellthisgenreis games that I've played. The lack of a jump button never annoyed me, because the dungeons and such are actually designed with the inability to jump on the spot in mind. You jump when you need to, and at no other time; considering that Zelda's not really a platformer, I don't see the problem here.

Uninteresting Combat? Well, that's entirely subjective. I personally loved it, especially fights against bosses, Dark Nuts and Dinalfos. Except you didn't get to the latter two, did you?

Annoying Puzzles? I liked them. But then I never ended up "angrily stalking the room for 45 minutes looking for the easily-missed last door". Not to mention I paid attention to the in-game hints, was fairly meticulous and used the map.

Bad character design? Isn't this a reiteration of your first point? Were they really so banal as to force you to repeat yourself twice?

Infuriating Score? I'm afraid you are beyond help here.

Finally: Paedophilic bestiality? For one, Link is 17. For another, there is nothing sexual between Midna and Link, implied or otherwise. Midna pats Link, rides him like a horse (get that? A horse. Not anything else), twists his ear and so forth because she starts off as, frankly, a vindictive ***** who loves to bend others to her will, which is pretty obvious from her first appearance (Her condescending tone and impish laugh were pretty clear).

All-in-all, I found little that is agreeable in your rant. To be honest, I found little of substance in there, beyond how much you didn't like the game. Some baffle me entirely, others strike me as unfair (uninteresting characters? You didn't even give them a chance to develop) and your paedowolfsex comment is painfully off the mark.

 

[Archer147]

THE LEGEND OF ZELDA: TWILIGHT PRINCESS
I can now say that The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess now holds a special place in my heart...

As the worst piece of crap I've ever played.

Finally, some one with some sense!

Anyone that disagrees is a fanboy or a troll.

EDIT: You shouldn't have to play through to the end, if after 5 hours the game is still boring as fuck then it doesn't deserve a chance.

You're likening someone who like a certain game with a person who deliberately posts short, annoying, often bewildering messages for the sole purpose of getting a rise out of someone?

My god, you're a fucking idiot.

If the game you've been playing for 5 hours isn't interesting you, YOU'RE PLAYING THE WRONG GAME FOR YOU. If you don't like FPSs,don't play CoD or Halo.

 

[bluepilot]

I do not think that your reveiw was particulary clever or funny.

You are entitled to dislike the game, however a more balanced reveiw, without any references to paedophilic bestiality, would have been more articulate.

 

[Heart of Darkness]

I would love to comment on your review but I gave up after five paragraphs.

So I will generalize it by saying only this...

It sucks.

IMO, you just won this thread. Good job.

OT: Meh, not necessarily a review, more like a rant. I read through it, and while I don't agree with most of it (I liked TP), you are free to your own opinion. Although the stuff about bestiality? You totally missed the point and characterization of Midna. Sorry. Try again.

(Also, take the time to listen to Midna's Lament [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LUXhSvvxmN0]. It's one of the best tracks in the game. It's much better when it's actually played in the game, though.)

 

[jthm]

I stopped respecting your opinion about the time you claimed Bioshock wasn't good either, though your comment about having never played a Legend of Zelda game made skeptical of either your age or your credentials as a gamer.

Had you read Midna's text, she explains at some point that there is a legend among her people of a wolf spirit that is an embodiement of courage. It's why she follows link after his shape is changed. Had you played Link to the Past you'd know it's not at all uncommon for ones shape to change in the Dark World to reflect their personality.

In that picture she's holding onto his mane of hair so as not to fall off. It's less Nintendo producing pedophilia and bestiality and more your mind in the gutter, sir.

Wait, you wrote a review on a game you played for five hours? That's it? Wow, that's some in depth research there.

Zelda has never been about platforming. I swear it's like you thought the whole time "this isn't a clone of ratchet and clank or Jak and Daxter, I hate it!"

Your combat complaint is moot because the entire strategy behind the trio of dark enemies is thus: You can kill one without it being ressurected. Then you lure the two remaining enemies closer together and finish them at the same time.

As to your complaints about the puzzles, if Zelda is a bit out of your league, might I suggest you try a few of the small childrens toys, the variety of which you place a round block in a round hole and the square block in the square hole.

Wrapping up:

You made a comment about the music being bad (I disagree) but then failed to support your claim with evidence. To guess from the rest of your review I'd imagine that it doesn't sound like your preferred genre of music and therefore it must be bad.

You are a critic only in the same sense as I am a gourmet chef because I can fix a hot pocket. PROTIP: Critics generally try to make objective criticisms. For example, when Yatzee says: This game's camera angles are shit, it isn't just his opinion, it's his opinion based on observation and comparison.

Your book sounds like tripe, you are trying to hard to sound like yatzee by attacking a positively reviewed game, The Legend of Zelda is one of a very few consistently great franchises in gaming and to save everyone else time I'm going to summarize your review in typical internet fashion.

tl;dr: OP is a troll or a fuckwit or both, Twilight Princess still a great game.

 

[jthm]

I would love to comment on your review but I gave up after five paragraphs.

So I will generalize it by saying only this...

It sucks.

Win

 

[laikenf]

Hang on I'm confused as to what bit you got up to. Did you quit just as you got the tunic, or did you quit at Kakariko village?

Basically, did you get the wind boomerang? If not, in HL2 terms you got bossed about for a bit and then some fat guy threw a crow bar for you use, then you quit cos it's meant to be a first person SHOOTER not a first person IMA OPEN BOXES WITH MY METAL STICK.

Twilight Princess could definitely be slammed for having a very slow build up to the main game. Before you write off the whole series however I would suggest giving Ocarina of Time a whirl, even if you suck you'll be in dungeons doing the righteous stuff within 20 minutes of naming your character.

No-- I got the boomerang, got to the second creepy wolf choir bit, climbed to goron mountain, and healed the second spirit. That's when I got fed up with it...come to think of it, that was more than five hours.

O-Kay

A-hem.

SHE'S STRADDLING A 12-YEAR OLD. WHO IS ALSO A WOLF. IT DOES NOT TAKE A DIRTY MIND TO REACH THAT CONCLUSION.

Come on dude, really? I don't know if I should call it a sick mind, but certainly creative and alert. Midna on top of a boy wolf eh? I gotta tell you, neither I nor anyone who's played this game that I know of (as a matter of fact, first time I see someone come up with such observation) have ever come even near of thinking such things.

That's not on top of him. She was not standing on him like a surfboard: she was straddling him, scratching him behind the ears, and giving him naughty pats round the tush. Now quit calling Freud a liar.

This is quite funny you know, I really can't stop laughing at this...

 

[Jeronus]

I disagree with almost all of your points, but what I found most disturbing of all was the way you treated your own opinion on a game you barely played.

First of all, the story is the one of the simplest in all of gaming history. You basically must gather weapons and powerful old relics from dungeons while at the same time defeating the evil inside which will prepare you for the final boss confrontation. From what you told me, you didn't even make it far enough into the story to get a feel for it.

Secondly, you barely mention the swordplay at all. I can only gather from this that you actually enjoyed it, but enjoyed writing your hateful and ugly "review" so much that you left it out. It is a huge part of the game and some of the best moments occur when Link has a sword and shield in his hand.

Finally, you need to realize that your opinion isn't a fact. You scream liar at other reviewers like it is impossible for anyone else to enjoy this game. To be honest, you came across like wannabe, know it all jerk who is commenting on a subject he really doesn't understand.

P.S. It feels like you are trying to imitate Yahtzee but even he realize that other people have different opinions that might be valid.

 

[snow]

Why do you keep addressing 'The fanboys'? I mean, I know it's your review, and your opinion, and that's fine. But it seems to me like you're purposefully trying to piss people off.

Anyway, not a bad review by any standards, just a bit too...angry. Needlessly so in fact, it interferes with the general ideas you're trying to get across.

Just needs a bit of a rethink of writing style, and then all will be well.

Aww, shit. And here I was thinking I was being careful.

And like, totally mellow and whatnot. I mean, did you see that Final Fantasy guy over on IGN?

No use in trying to be careful when posting an opinion on the internet m8... Say one thing that people disagree with and they'll try to have your nuts for it =\

 

[loremazd]

Well, I can tell a few things from this review....
You don't know how to ride an animal. She's simple riding him like a horse. You also apparently have seen some rather old looking 12 year olds. Aside from this the review is pretty much a good assessment of the opening, which I think was terribly flawed. The world they made is beautiful and dynamic, and forcing you to see each section of it first in a bland palette with dull music before it makes it bright is a terrible design decision.

That being said, I still think this was the best Zelda game, once those first two dungeons get knocked out it's all uphill. However, I also think that you would certainly not agree. In fact, i'd likely guess that you do not enjoy puzzles in games you play at all, and thats all Zelda is really. Combat and puzzles.

 

[caz105]

Snip

Aww the wittle valve fanboy doesn't comprehend the story and puzzles.
Seriously dude this is all flamebait, and before you call me a "nintentard" as you put it I'll have you know I'm a PS3 fanboy.
I can't believe your entire review of the storyline was accusing nintendo of obscure plot lines and weird sexual preferences, In fact I think I would get a better PS3 review from the screaming 12 year old portion of Halo 3's fanbase. Just admit it was over your head and leave it at that.

 

[axnxgxixe]

It's not as bad as the Final Fantasy series, you know for a title that has the word 'Final' in it, it doesn't seem to be ending any time soon.

HA