The R Word

[Iron Lightning]

I'm sorry if this sounds insensitive but, Mr. Anonymous, you need to stop having the mentality of a fucking victim. You need to stop being a coward, trying as you do to block out anything to do with rape. It only represses your emotions and thus gives them more control over you. You need to stop living in fear.

Mr. Anonymous you, sir, are a damn coward right now. You're letting your fears govern your life and the more you continue to run away from your fears the more they will own you. You don't have to be a coward, Mr. Anonymous, you can find the courage to confront your fears if you just get out of the mentality of being permanently damaged. No matter what anyone tells you, you don't have to be a damaged man.

Hi Iron Lightning. A few things:

I think you're being misled by my being a self-described "rape victim." I understand how you could take this to mean I'm living my life with an attitude of victimization, but nothing could be further from the truth. I tend to use the words "rape victim" to describe myself because it helps me to remember that I was the victim of a crime. I realize that others prefer the term "rape survivor" because it has more empowering connotations, but that's never really sat right with me -- people "survive" natural events like hurricanes, floods, and tornadoes, things brought on by fate, whereas rape isn't a natural part of life: it's a conscious choice someone made to hurt you. When I realized that my experience was the fault of a specific person who did something society specifically set out a punishment for, it helped me come to terms with it better.

Believe me, I'm not "living in fear." If I was, would I be telling my story on the Internet? (I decided to be Anonymous mostly because of the social media/comments backlash some people have experienced when talking about this subject.)

I doubt anyone who knew me would say I have a "victim's" outlook on the world. I'm very successful, I'm highly extroverted, and I don't shy away from difficult subjects or topics. I'm adventurous and travel a lot. I'm social and have many friends, and after understanding better what was causing me problems in the arena of dating, I actually figured out that I was really good at it. In fact, even at my worst I was always doing excellent work and having a pretty good time -- despite that, I had things bubbling under the surface.

The fact that there are still things that bother me about my abuse doesn't contradict anything in the paragraph above. There's nothing wrong with the fact that I still have some things to work out, or find certain words hurtful. And hearing "rape" doesn't make me dissolve into a puddle of tears, it just makes it less fun to play games -- sometimes a little less fun, often a lot less fun, depending on my mood. Like everyone, I have good days and bad days. Sure, facing your fears is great, but I want to face them on my terms, not be forced into it on Xbox Live when I'm trying to relax.

I'm really sorry about what happened to you, and I'm glad you feel you're entirely recovered, (I always hesitate to use that word myself, since I've thought I was "recovered" before, only to have my symptoms get worse) and frankly some of the stuff you went through makes my episodes of depression sound like small beer. Hope all continues to go well, I appreciate how aggressively you've gone after life.

Thanks for responding. What caused me to worry is this paragraph:

The experience of being raped has touched every aspect of my life. People like Ron Rosenberg, the PR head for Tomb Raider, tend to talk about rape like it's some character-building challenge to overcome, a wound that heals into scar tissue, making you tougher. That's a fundamental misunderstanding. Rape isn't a scar, it's a limp -- you carry it with you as long as you're alive, and it makes life harder, not easier. Being raped does change you: it's more than non-consensual sex, it's psychic murder. The person you were beforehand ceases to exist and you can never, ever be them again.

That sounds to me like a very defeatist attitude. If it is not representative of you then I'm sorry if I misunderstood you but I think you can see why I made that mistake. I surely hope that you do not subscribe to the mentality described above. Rape is not psychic murder and it need not cause you to walk everywhere with a limp. Sure, it will always be an event and it will never be fully comfortable. However, it's not something that will control your life and always be a daily palpable issue for you. From what you've told me it's probably gotten much better than a daily issue, so I'm glad for that. Sometimes people take on the mentality of a victim. The mentality that they're horribly and irreparably harmed and everything bad that happens to them can be blamed on their trauma. That if you break-up with someone it's because you couldn't trust them because of your trauma. I've seen that mindset more than a bit and it disturbs me.

I don't think you have that mindset now and I'm sorry for getting the wrong impression from your article. Also, it is very brave of you to post about it one the internet. I remember the first time I posted about my stuff on the internet (albeit much less in the spotlight) as the time in which I realized that I was finally about as comfortable with everything as I could hope to be. I'm also glad that you're not hiding from your fears as I mistakenly thought might've been the case.

In regards to your voice chat in games I can sympathize. I just get a bit zealous when people start questioning freedom of speech as I do not believe that you are. I'm sure we can agree that it would be folly to ban people just for saying uncomfortable things. However, I do think that more multiplayer games should have an "always mute everyone" function.

So, my friend, I'm glad that I was mistaken and you're not what I imagined. Remember, you will definitely get better one day and that's a certainty.

 

[Gluzzbung]

Wow. An incredibly powerful article. I was going to make a comment about it having my avatar as the front picture but it really just detracts from how personal the article is and how much courage it took to write it, let alone publish it on a popular website. Thank you for sharing, I hope it had as much of an effect on others as it did on me.

 

[Eleima]

You're incredibly brave to have come forward and shared your insight, your experience, your point of view (not sure any word does it justice) with us.
This was a difficult read, and an incredibly powerful one. Here's hoping it does make people stop and consider their words. Best of wishes to you.

 

[sindremaster]

I suppose I gain the ability to freely express myself regardless of how other people might feel about it.

I'm sorry, but if you need to use the word rape to express yourself you have some serious problems.

 

[Anonymous]

Great, then you and I don't have an issue. As long as your not trying to dictate my behavior, you and I have no problem.

No one is trying to dictate your behavior. What people are saying is that you have a choice in the words you use, and can therefore decide to use or not use hurtful words.

However, you need to understand that when you make the decision to use a hurtful word, you're privileging your speech over others peoples' feelings. If you're okay with that, then you're okay with that, if you're not, you're not, but you can't expect other people not to judge you based on your choice. We live in a community, and when you speak in a way that's hostile or hurtful to part of that community, some people will be upset at you. That's not censorship or removing words, it's a community telling you that they don't find certain behavior acceptable.

You're free to use the word "rape" however you like.
Others are free to feel hurt by your use of the word.
Everyone is free to make value judgments about you based on your knowing use of the word "rape."

You've now argued about this for ten hours, even after you've clearly said your piece. Whenever I see that, I start wondering about a person's motives. Why does this topic, specifically, make you so defensive?

 

[Dr. Mongo]

Thank you for finding the strength for writing this. This is truly an amazing article.

 

[Omgsarge]

I find it really strange how rape tends to characterized as a bigger evil than murder or even torture. For example jim seems to think Hannibal-esque torture can be cool while rape can never be cool. It's just bizarre. I'm not arguing that rape could be cool or what ever, but how on earth can murder and torture be cool while rape not being cool. Is it because many of the poster on these forums are so far removed from the prospect of murder & torture that they can can't quite relate to it, where as rape is far more pervasive in the developed world?

Because in this culture, sex is a much larger taboo than violence.

Do you mean to say that rape is considered more evil than murder because sex is a bigger taboo than violence in American society? Just looking clarification, no bad intentions. Because I have the impression that if it sex is taboo in a society then rape would just be a topic that gets brushed under the carpet (i.e. victims wouldn't talk about it).

 

[Sandjube]

Wow. That was...powerful man. I promise I will try my utmost to not use words like that ever again (even though I don't particularly do it often). I never even stopped to consider the implications it could have and the effects it could be having on people. Thank you.

 

[Clearing the Eye]

I find it really strange how rape tends to characterized as a bigger evil than murder or even torture. For example jim seems to think Hannibal-esque torture can be cool while rape can never be cool. It's just bizarre. I'm not arguing that rape could be cool or what ever, but how on earth can murder and torture be cool while rape not being cool. Is it because many of the poster on these forums are so far removed from the prospect of murder & torture that they can can't quite relate to it, where as rape is far more pervasive in the developed world?

Because in this culture, sex is a much larger taboo than violence.

Do you mean to say that rape is considered more evil than murder because sex is a bigger taboo than violence in American society? Just looking clarification, no bad intentions. Because I have the impression that if it sex is taboo in a society then rape would just be a topic that gets brushed under the carpet (i.e. victims wouldn't talk about it).

Perhaps taboo wasn't the perfect choice of words. I meant to imply that issues of nudity, sex, sexuality and anything related, are largely seen as obscene and are condemned publicly. Violence and aggression, on the other hand, are encouraged and lauded--soldiers are heroes, war is patriotic, sports like football, mixed martial arts and boxing are national icons, guns are "cool," etc., etc.

So when someone murders another in a culture that largely surrounds itself with violence, there's nothing too shocking about it. But in a society were sex is a dirty little secret and even a shameful act, rape is the polar opposite and quite jarring.

So it's not the actual crimes that people see. Rather the issues they represent.

 

[Deadyawn]

Moral of the story: XBOX Live is a shithole.
At least, that's what I got out of it.

In all seriousness, this entire thing had flown over my head just because I don't tend to play online multiplayer at all really. I had heard a friend (the term "friend" applied loosely) say something like that once and I thought it was dumb but I didn't realise it could be hurtful which I do now. So I suppose that means If he does it again I'll punch him or something.

So yeah, good job. If nothing else I am now informed which is a bit better than before.

 

[Nanaki316]

Truly inspiring. I myself have only just learned to come to terms with the fact that I can't tell people not to use that word online or throw it around without a care in the world.
I bawled my eyes out and I've shared it. I hope some of my friends take the time to read this as this is exactly what I want to say, but I couldn't have said it better than you.

Thank you, honestly. Fellow Survivor x

 

[CaptainMarvelous]

Are you honestly comparing those two things? They're horrible words and while I wouldn't say use them, your argument lacks for two things

1)I've never heard someone describe beating someone at a race as murdering them.

2)I don't know many murder victims who play X-Box live. If someone on there WAS a murder victim I'd either call an exorcist or ask how they survived and probably not refer to my victory as killing them.

1) I never asked you whether or not you have heard the term. I picked that very specific example because I have heard that when I played racing games.

2)Cute, how nice of you to overlook people who have survived attempted murders and people who's family members have died from gang violence and terrorism.

Your ignoring the very point of the reply, imagine something PERSONAL being thrown in your face every time not because you bring it up but because some guy or girl you're never going to meet just wants to use the word and doesn't give two shits. If you want to compare it to something, Rape doesn't compare to saying you murdered someone or you starvationed them, it would compare to saying to a random woman 'Hey, it's raining like a miscarriage out here. Oh, you had one? Well f*ck you, I want to use the word'. Though even that pales in comparison to the emotions Rape brings up.

You know what I'm imagining? You making an argument that doesn't use an appeal to emotion fallacy [http://yourlogicalfallacyis.com/appeal-to-emotion].

You can't imagine it, huh? Well, maybe you should consider yourself lucky.

I consider myself Helmholtz Watson but you can call me lucky if you want. ;D

Are we bringing up fallacies now? Unfortunately the site doesn't have False Equivalence so we can't get into that with your site but

I found [http://yourlogicalfallacyis.com/black-or-white] other ones [http://yourlogicalfallacyis.com/composition-division] that apply [http://yourlogicalfallacyis.com/bandwagon] quite well [http://yourlogicalfallacyis.com/burden-of-proof] to your arguments [http://yourlogicalfallacyis.com/special-pleading]

Also This [http://yourlogicalfallacyis.com/personal-incredulity] and this [http://yourlogicalfallacyis.com/tu-quoque] Sorry, ran out of sentence parts there were just so many that applied .

Although, while we're on the subject, an appeal to emotion doesn't particularly apply here, it's more an appeal to empathy, your entire position is founded on not giving a shit about other people I'm trying to say to consider the opponent's view-point. Arguing 101.

Incidentally, if you were to read just a feeew words after point 2 on the murdered response it mentions what I'd do if they were a survivor of an attempted murder (although this means we should be discussing the effect of the word rape on attempted rape victims, hooray! False Equivalency must be paying you good money to keep using it).

Which reminds me, 5 pages went up while I was asleep, are you still pushing this or did you finally read the counter-arguments rather than immediately ask "Why is murder OK but rape isn't!?"

 

[LetalisK]

Very interesting read. All I have to add is that I hope communities like Xbox Live eventually mature and cease to be cesspools of pathetic behavior. It's disheartening to see people act in such a way for no other reason than "because I can". I would love to be a fly on the wall during their lives to see if they act any differently when they are no longer free of consequences from their behavior.

 

[flatten_the_skyline]

In reality every sexual interaction is supposed to be consentual, however people, and I'd even venture most people, have fantasies about non-consentual sex with whatever kind of person they are interested in. Guys have their dominatrixs and amazons, girls have their randy shieks, pirate captains, and cattle barons and such. This stuff is sold by the truckload. It's adult material because it takes an adult to be able to seperate the fantasy from the reality and understand that things don't work like that in reality.

I agree. But to live out such a fantasy within a controlled environment, usually including safewords, a good chat beforehand and an evaluation afterwards IS consensual, this is called consensual nonconsent. As lang as you have safewords, even a "No" or "Stop" can be ignored.

I know several feminists of all genders who enjoy rapeplay, degradation or hurt.

But all of them only enjoy these things on their terms. Only few people enjoy to those things from strangers.

I don't have a problem with movies about rape, actually. There are a lot of good ones out there. And I don't have a problem with BDSM porn, as long as the actors are treated alright.
What sets me off are movies that include nonconsensual behaviour, which is not depicted as such. Comedies where people are degraded, and where the joke is not on the one who degrades (see "The Dictator", though this movie is also not perfect) but on the degraded.

Some romance novel written for women about some shiek or whatever (represented artistically by models like Fabio, or early Antonio Banderas) capturing some young, pretty thing, and using her for sex while she's taken to all these exotic places, perhaps with some trivial plot thrown in. The differance here is that while the sex isn't consentual to start, it's something everyone involved winds up enjoying, and usually turns into love, that harem girl usually winds up becoming the queen (or at least a favored mistress with a lot of power) by the end of the story for example. That's NOT a blueprint for a healthy real life relationship, which is exactly why it comes with an adult's only label as much as the actual sexual acts themselves.

Those plots are worse, because the message is "she wants it, or will want it at some point, she just doesn't know yet"

A line between that kind of thing, or the male version with guys being used by Amazons (or whatever) much the same way, and things like "Rapelay" which is the current textbook whipping boy does exist. That line is that "Rapelay" is all about revenge and the entire point is that the girls on the receiving end don't enjoy it, as the protaganist rapes his way up the line of a family, which puts it in a differant territory as none of the victims wind up genuinely enjoying themselves in any lasting fashion. Other examples like "Battle Raper" are less ambigious, because if that's the series I'm thinking of, I'm not a fan (due it it kind of blowing chips) but if I remember the plotline is basically a fighting tournament where the winners get to use the losers sexually in addition to advancing. Despite "rape" in the title, pretty much everyone involved knows the rules and more or less consented to it by entering into those battles to begin with. It's not exactly a deep title or a common sense set up, but you really can't say it's paticularly offensive either.

I checked out Battle Raper on wiki and moby right now, but it doesn't say anywhere what happens when the guy loses. And you're right, to some point this still questionable game is way better than rapelay, where consent is definitely out of the question. I know that "loser gets dominated" exists in RL as well.

A good part of why I am going after feminists is the dual standard. If you take a story about a Shiek who takes women as concubines, who finds that one special girl who he falls in love with while using her, finds the feeligns are mutual with, and eventually marries, along with whatever else pads the story out, if it's direct at men feminists will scream it's a horrible work of rape-horror that needs to be banned. The same basic story appears with someone like "Fabio" on the cover and marketing directed at women, and feminists will generally ignore it.

Nope, most people I know will despise them all the same.

It should also be noted (to answer this for all those who raised this question) that while feminism was at one time about equality, it's not entirely about power coming at the expense of men, which is why it has a dual standard. The basic message inherant in going after one face of things but not the other is simply that men can't handle it, so society should keep us in line. To be honest, decades ago Feminism had a valid point where women were outright prohibited from voting, or doing specific things for no paticularly good reason. Today, without those valid crusades, it's all about things like trying to basically shackle men because of our physical differances and how they give us an unfair advantage. Demands that standards be lowered for pretigious jobs with physical requirements so women can do them, or even in some cases have job performance standards lowered or removed when certain biological things like childbirth come up. The demand that people overlook the differances between men and women entirely, and oftentimes in exclusion of common sense.

Sexism is over just like racism ended in 1870. I've encountered sexist structures whithin the most anarchist emancipatory movements, because there's a sexist in all of us, including myself. We all were raised with sexist role models, and even if you don't want it, it shows. And denial as often encountered with self-proclaimed feminists only makes it worse.

Today, it isn't about those obvious things like driving a car, going to the army or voting.
Today, it is about subtle things. The way we behave, speak, assume roles. And no, I don't subscribe to everything that's been done in the name of feminism.

Along with this you have feminists in many cases going so far as to claim that due to men being bigger, stronger, and still in control of most of society, there is no such thing as consentual sex and all women are rape victims because they are not in a position of enough control to begin with in order to consent. That is how utterly bonkers the feminist definition of what constitutes rape increasingly is. No matter how consentual it is, it's still rape, since it can't be any
other way. A no-win scenario created by their own inherant logic.

Yup, they exist. We're sorry.

In short, I don't take feminism seriously as a position.

Then you maybe didn't meet the right feminists. Most feminists I know are fun, pro-sex, active, intelligent people.

 

[CaptainKarma]

^^^^^ That may be all well and good, but, like reclaiming racial epithets, that is not your call to make

I'll just assume this was directed towards me, I being the guy directly above.

So the way language is used isn't the call of the speakers? I use the word "******" when talking to my white friends in a white setting with levity and joy; why? Because it's naturally evolved to be a word we use in discussions. Language and the way it's utilised isn't "called", it develops independently and freely based upon those who use it.

I'm not calling for people to change their definition of rape; but it seems a lot of people are expanding it's definition and using it in more and more circumstance. That's the natural development of language, right there; it changes based on the users.

That supplements my argument very nicely. So yes, we must remain filled with levity lest we live in fear and start speaking with edicts and consensus.

No of course it isn't the call of the speaker. Words have meanings, I can't start calling my keyboard a felgercarb, because nobody can understand me. You can't decide that "******" or "******" are just suddenly non-insulting because you choose them to be that way. There are efforts to reclaim those words, but by the groups they refer to

 

[rednightmare]

I can't imagine hard that was to write. Thank You

 

[ShakyFiend]

This is easily the most compelling and coherent article to come out of the Hitman-debaucle.

I realise that it is addressing the use of the word 'rape' as a derogatory insult on servers and the like, and the fact that it constrains itself to this is partly why it is so effective.

Also I like how it moves the issue away from gender politics away to the more over-arching issue of rape in general, something that's been a long time coming.

BUT. I have a feeling people will take this and apply it to games that involve rape, as well as the server-name-calling, and...well...I don't think we can avoid an issue because we are afraid of hurting someone.

The lovely bones, The colour purple, The shawshank redemption etc. are all what they are partly because they deal with rape, I hope games will someday be able to address the issue maturely, because discussion of these matters is important, even if they hurt someone.

If you disagree, consider that this article probably had exactly the effects it described on at least one rape victim who read it.

 

[Omgsarge]

Perhaps taboo wasn't the perfect choice of words. I meant to imply that issues of nudity, sex, sexuality and anything related, are largely seen as obscene and are condemned publicly. Violence and aggression, on the other hand, are encouraged and lauded--soldiers are heroes, war is patriotic, sports like football, mixed martial arts and boxing are national icons, guns are "cool," etc., etc.

So when someone murders another in a culture that largely surrounds itself with violence, there's nothing too shocking about it. But in a society were sex is a dirty little secret and even a shameful act, rape is the polar opposite and quite jarring.

So it's not the actual crimes that people see. Rather the issues they represent.

I think there is some truth in what you are saying. It has been my impression, though, that the sheer amount of power play involved represents the most jarring aspect about rape in general, not the sex itself (most of the time, it doesn't have anything to do with sex or pleasure but dominance).
Thanks again for clarifying your statement. I have to get away from this topic now. I have a wild imagination and way too much empathy. Reading and researching about this topic just makes me extremely uncomfortable.

 

[Britisheagle]

Fantastic article.

I find myself cringing using the term rape as slang, as well as when I hear other people say it, as it was a term I used a lot. I have since grown up and seen that it's not something we should joke about as it is a very serious topic.

That being said, the term "I'm going to kill you" has been round for how long and when you think about it murder is another serious topic.

So perhaps it is being blown out of proportion overall but still I try to use other phrases to try be more respectful to those who have actually had a traumatic experience and to ensure that karma doesn't come round one day.

 

[Evil Smurf]

Fuck me.

I know a fraction of this, my brother was assulted too. I was incredibly angry with that bastard who did it to him. Wanted to beat him to a bloody pulp. I would have too, even if it meant a jail term.Thank you for writing this. It made me feel better. I hope this is not insensitive to victims as I have never been assulted but please know that I know a little bit you go through.

Even typing this makes me angry. That fucker.....