The R Word

[MasterOfHisOwnDomain]

A very well-written article about an important subject. But the issue of unintentionally hurting people through words comes up in all kinds of circumstances -- whenever I've lost a relative, suddenly all people seem to be talking about is death; they aren't aware of what they're doing, but inside I'm being torn to pieces remembering the loss. Same with the word "gay" -- I always flinch when people use it to describe something stupid.

 

[Moonlight Butterfly]

snip

I think you misquoted me :3 I didn't say that, not sure who did though.

 

[Azuaron]

snip

I think you misquoted me :3 I didn't say that, not sure who did though.

I was going to reply to one of your posts, then decided not to, and replied to someone else's, and made a mistake when I cut out your post...

Anyway, sorry, it's fixed now.

 

[itsthesheppy]

Congratulations on a very necessary article. May your courage in writing it bear the fruit of a better world.

But...

This article is simply... stunning, I should say. In that reading it, I had to sit back and just be in awe that someone could survive and cope with something so horrible. It's just a shame that I feel like a lot of people will read it, but feel like "well, when *I* use the word, I'm not being hurtful" and just not get what this brave guy is saying.

My thoughts exactly. Down here in the echo chambers of the internet people are very used to making complex doublethink acrobatics so they never have to go through the trouble of changing their minds. I can only hope at least some of those people allow your earnest article to pierce their armor of bullshit.

Just the other day I saw someone complain that Sarkeesian kept signaling her blog posts as 'trigger warnings'. It wasn't some random internet dipshit, it was on the Rock Paper Shotgun comments where people were not shouting that stupid feminists should make them sandwiches but citing feminist theory and complaining about second wave feminism. And yet, someone thought that trigger warnings were just a random attention grab for feminists, no different from the warnings at the beginning of No Russian saying the level was just TOO INTENSE. It's just difficult to convey the seriousness of such a situation.

I will admit, when I first saw [trigger warnings] show up in articles I raised an eyebrow and thought, really? That lasted all of about two second, which was the amount of time it took me to reflect on what it might be like someone who, living with trauma, suddenly stumbles across something that brings them BACK to that trauma, against their will.

It's like reading a poorly-written movie review that spoils the ending without warning you of such. That feeling of 'oh CRAP why did I read that? Now it's in my brain forever, dammit!'

Except on the magnitude of a million billion times worse, and it lasts forever.

And so few seem able to put themselves there. In the mindset of having to be careful because statistically speaking, they've been in the presence of many, many rape survivors and never known it.

 

[Farther than stars]

I don't know what it's like to go through something like that, so I don't think my sympathies could be worth a whole lot to you, but I do know that we all have our own traumas and issues, including myself. It could be that there are traumas out there which impair you for life. And not having been a victim of rape myself I don't know if that's one of them. But I choose to believe that anything can be overcome and anything can make you stronger. Otherwise we would just let things chip away at us until they wear us down to death. That would mean that we don't have any power, can't ever achieve anything and that's something that my optimistic attitude won't allow. You just can't let it get to you, which is something I feel compelled to say, even though I know you've probably heard it a thousand times before.
Anyway, I also wanted to say that I like your style, Mister Anonymous, and that it would be a waste of talent if you didn't already do some professional writing (although I sincerely hope you do so without a lot less nausea), at least you appear to have the drinking habits of a true writer.

 

[CaptainMarvelous]

It's not about offending, it's about hurting someone, on a very real level. What's more important to you - your use of the word, or not making someone relive trauma? What do you value more - saying "I raped you" on Xbox Live, or not giving someone nightmares?

That's what it comes down to, really. This isn't about someone's delicate sensibilities, this is about the fact that a single word can actually cause someone emotional and physical pain.

I would say that if hearing "I raped you" on Xbox live is too much for a person, then they shouldn't be on there to begin with because I can't imagine how a person would deal with killing virtual people in a game like COD or Halo.

EDIT:wow, its very nice to "meet" you! I didn't know that you guys actually read the forums.

Dude, has anything horrible ever happened to you? Like, so bad you can't sleep for days? If not then... I really have no way to get this across, but if SO, imagine someone kept rubbing this in your face whenever you try and play a videogame. Let's say you load up Halo and suddenly everyone shouts "Hey, remember when that bully beat you up and left you crying in a ditch" or "Your dog got runover, SPLAT, LOL his stupid legs twitching and confused eyes" or whatever horrible thing happened to you. If it never happened to you then there'd be no emotional reaction but if it did, hell, if it happened a few hours earlier, it'd likely really hurt.

Now imagine that the pain never really goes away, NOW imagine some guy you don't know is arguing he should have the right to bring up all that pain whenever he feels like it and it's your fault for being there.

Of course this hinges on there being some equivalent here :-/ if there isn't then I imagine this is going to fall on deaf ears. Unless we can get talking about white people bringing up lynchings to describe them ganging up on your character, that one always makes ME uncomfortable.

 

[itsthesheppy]

I would say that if hearing "I raped you" on Xbox live is too much for a person, then they shouldn't be on there

As an aside, this is a good example of the opposite kind of opinion we gamers ought to have. and yes, that is a 100% subjective statement.

There shouldn't be places where rape survivors 'shouldn't' go in our society. If those places exist, it should be up to all of us to eliminate them and turn them into places where they feel included. Trauma survivors have every right the rest of us do to play the games they want and it is not our place to tell them otherwise.

It is our place, however, to foster an environment that isn't threatening or hurtful to people. And when we see people making that environment hurtful, it's our place to shut them down and make it clear it won't be tolerated. It may not seem like much when it's just you versus an entire room of screaming CoD jerkfaces, but little by little we can make this a community that is intolerant of hurtful speech.

 

[Zydrate]

Finally. Thank you!
The part that resonated with me is that "Rape is not a scar, it's a limp".
The whole fallacy that it "makes you stronger" is an argument I'm just so tired of hearing.

 

[Mr.Lucifer]

Its not just about not offending, its also bout not looking like a prick. Some people get offended to easily, but there are true limits.

 

[zelda2fanboy]

Yeah, this is a beautifully written piece. Now, on a far less serious note and speaking from the callous uninformed perspective of a snarky internet commenter... let words have power. You know why I don't say certain words? It's because I want them to have meaning.

It's like when I get into a historical discussion from time to time with a close friend or family member and war atrocities come up. "Oh have you heard of the 'Rape of Nanking?'" And I always have to explain, "No, they didn't just really mess up Nanking. The Japanese literally raped tens of thousands of people." It's a horrifying bit of history that gets swept under the rug. Like the Holocaust, it's a difficult concept to wrap your head around when you first read about it. Then the nausea comes.

My point is that even adults who are not gamers throw "rape" around in general conversation like it's nothing. Hell, my mom says it. And it's not okay, not because it could hurt someone's feelings, but because it loses it's weight and gravity.

I am exceedingly grateful and happy that I cannot grasp what it's like to have that happen to me and yes, I can see that it still hurts. But if you're trying to appeal to the sensibilities of the people who still talk that way, you're not going to do it with a well reasoned thought provoking subject like this one. Basically, people who throw epithets and "rape" around like it's nothing sound like 13 year old idiots... and most of the time they are.

 

[IamLEAM1983]

Like everyone else, I find myself wanting to support the OP. Props for finding the courage to talk about what clearly is an issue that's very raw for you, Anonymous.

On the R-word's subject, I'd mention that there's a ton of less offensive synonyms gamers can use while trash-talking. Whatever happened to Unreal Tournament's "Dominated", which TF2 took to using? More to the point, do you honestly have to rub your victory in Person X's face by going "Oshit, I totally wrecked your thing, man!"

Why not "Damn, I'm on a roll tonight!" or, even better, why not nothing at all? Why not acknowledge the failing player for at least making an effort?

Oh, right. That's too highbrow and noble to expect of the CoD crowd, isn't it?

Yes, I'm being sarcastic, but there's still something about the Xbox Live population that makes it insufferably potty-mouthed, with the PS3 goons not falling that much farther behind. More often than not, the most level-headed team talk I've had the pleasure of hearing and enjoying was on PC releases.

 

[Helmholtz Watson]

Dude, has anything horrible ever happened to you? Like, so bad you can't sleep for days? If not then... I really have no way to get this across, but if SO, imagine someone kept rubbing this in your face whenever you try and play a videogame.

Dude, don't play video games if you don't want to hear it, or don't listen to what people have to say on Xbox live.

Let's say you load up Halo and suddenly everyone shouts "Hey, remember when that bully beat you up and left you crying in a ditch" or "Your dog got runover, SPLAT, LOL his stupid legs twitching and confused eyes" or whatever horrible thing happened to you. If it never happened to you then there'd be no emotional reaction but if it did, hell, if it happened a few hours earlier, it'd likely really hurt.

Your not addressing why saying you "murdered" someone when you race and beat somebody Midnight Club/Project Gotham racing is ok, but saying that you "raped" someone when playing COD is wrong.

Now imagine that the pain never really goes away, NOW imagine some guy you don't know is arguing he should have the right to bring up all that pain whenever he feels like it and it's your fault for being there.

What I'm trying to imagine is you answer why it is ok to use the word murder or starving.

 

[Conn1496]

Absoloutely astonishing article right there. Kudos for speaking on behalf of all rape victims worldwide.

 

[Helmholtz Watson]

As an aside, this is a good example of the opposite kind of opinion we gamers ought to have. and yes, that is a 100% subjective statement.

Glad you admitted that it was a subjective statement.

There shouldn't be places where rape survivors 'shouldn't' go in our society. If those places exist, it should be up to all of us to eliminate them and turn them into places where they feel included. Trauma survivors have every right the rest of us do to play the games they want and it is not our place to tell them otherwise.

So what should victims of gang violence/terrorism/genocide/famine do about the kinds of words that people use online and in real life?

 

[Weresquirrel]

Well, I know it's been said often so far in this thread, and I'm not normally given to replying in such a way that repeats already expressed sentiments, but screw it, this is an author I have to support; This took a load of courage to write for you, and was extremely eye-opening.

 

[CaptainMarvelous]

Dude, has anything horrible ever happened to you? Like, so bad you can't sleep for days? If not then... I really have no way to get this across, but if SO, imagine someone kept rubbing this in your face whenever you try and play a videogame.

Dude, don't play video games if you don't want to hear it, or don't listen to what people have to say on Xbox live.

Let's say you load up Halo and suddenly everyone shouts "Hey, remember when that bully beat you up and left you crying in a ditch" or "Your dog got runover, SPLAT, LOL his stupid legs twitching and confused eyes" or whatever horrible thing happened to you. If it never happened to you then there'd be no emotional reaction but if it did, hell, if it happened a few hours earlier, it'd likely really hurt.

Your not addressing why saying you "murdered" someone when you race and beat somebody Midnight Club/Project Gotham racing is ok, but saying that you "raped" someone when playing COD is wrong.

Now imagine that the pain never really goes away, NOW imagine some guy you don't know is arguing he should have the right to bring up all that pain whenever he feels like it and it's your fault for being there.

What I'm trying to imagine is you answer why it is ok to use the word murder or starving.

Are you honestly comparing those two things? They're horrible words and while I wouldn't say use them, your argument lacks for two things

1)I've never heard someone describe beating someone at a race as murdering them.

2)I don't know many murder victims who play X-Box live. If someone on there WAS a murder victim I'd either call an exorcist or ask how they survived and probably not refer to my victory as killing them.

Your ignoring the very point of the reply, imagine something PERSONAL being thrown in your face every time not because you bring it up but because some guy or girl you're never going to meet just wants to use the word and doesn't give two shits. If you want to compare it to something, Rape doesn't compare to saying you murdered someone or you starvationed them, it would compare to saying to a random woman 'Hey, it's raining like a miscarriage out here. Oh, you had one? Well f*ck you, I want to use the word'. Though even that pales in comparison to the emotions Rape brings up.

Generally, we all think it's not OK to say horrible things to people. We think it's ESPECIALLY not OK to say horrible things to people that belittle their personal trauma and then say we have a right to say it more than they have a right to not be tormented by it.

 

[Farther than stars]

Rape is different from murder.

Rape is different from killing.

Rape is different from racism (which, by the by, is also never funny).

Rape is different from injury and misfortune.

If you still don't understand what I'm saying, Jim Sterling has spelled it out for you [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/jimquisition/5972-Rape-vs-Murder].

Generally speaking, most of these are not humorous in most situations.

But rape is never funny.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, I agree that rape is not funny, but I don't see it being worse than murder or racism. Explain to me why those can be funny but not rape.

P.S. Using Jim Sterling as a supporter of your argument can swing both ways. Yes, it can help strengthen your point with his fans, but personally my bowls recoil in anguish at the mention of a man who is doing such damage to the image of the video game industry.

I would say that if hearing "I raped you" on Xbox live is too much for a person, then they shouldn't be on there to begin with because I can't imagine how a person would deal with killing virtual people in a game like COD or Halo.

You can't imagine it, huh? Well, maybe you should consider yourself lucky.

 

[PoloniumFist]

P.S Whoever made it so my captcha for this post be "get over it" needs to be thrown into a portable toilet and set on fire.

Ok, now that's just fucked up!

My captcha is much better: "have an inkling" ("considers others", in other words).

 

[NinjaDeathSlap]

I... wow. Just wow.

First of all I just wanted to say thank you, a thousand times thank you. I can only vaguely imagine how hard that must have been for you to write, but I'm really glad that you did, because it's so rare that, in this debate, we can actually get the perspective that is the most relevant.

Second, you really have helped me gain a deeper understanding. I admit, I before have fallen into the camp of believing that rape can be used in media as a device that strengthens character. A trauma that can be overcome. Of course I was aware, like you said, in an abstract sense, that rape is a horrible, even the most horrible, experience. But I don't think I was ever truly aware of just how irrevocable the damage is. I guess it never occurred to me how even the smallest references to it could bring everything that you went through back into focus. To be honest, I should have known better. Even if I don't have your experiences, I'm from a military family and have been around people that suffer from PTSD because of things that happened to them in combat. I know it's not exactly the same, but I should have at least been able to relate on some level. I've never defended rape, or rapists. I've always found the concept and the perpetrators nothing less than vile. However, now I see that just knowing that it's a bad thing is nowhere near the same as truly understanding what it's like, and how because of this we still really aren't doing enough to address the issue.

I'm still for artistic freedom above all else, so I wouldn't actively object to rape even being featured in video-games (I mean, if we're ever going to address it right, we do need to allow it to be addressed). However, I understand now that hurtful, immature depictions of rape are not something that can just be waved away and excused. As you said, like the 'n' word, it will never be free of the emotional charge it carries.

Thank you again. I'm not easily moved, but pieces like this don't come around very often, and it's never a bad thing to gain more insight into other people's experiences, even the unpleasant ones.

 

[Doom972]

--snip--

So, you never laughed at the way someone died in a film/game/book even though a soldier in real life might have died that way? You never laughed at a racist joke? You never laughed at a stranger's misfortune?
You are either a liar or a very humorless person. since you are a member of this site, I'll assume the former. With you being a hypocrite, I politely ask that you stay away from me and everyone I know.

I don't know what it is about people misunderstanding how different words are different, so let me make this abundantly clear:

Rape is different from murder.

Rape is different from killing.

Rape is different from racism (which, by the by, is also never funny).

Rape is different from injury and misfortune.

If you still don't understand what I'm saying, Jim Sterling has spelled it out for you [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/jimquisition/5972-Rape-vs-Murder].

Generally speaking, most of these are not humorous in most situations.

But rape is never funny.

And hypocrisy does not mean what you think it means; for me to be a hypocrite, I'd have to be yelling at you for telling rape jokes, then telling rape jokes. I'd have to be doing the thing I'm telling you not to do, not doing a different thing. It's like calling a conservative who's against gay marriage a hypocrite because he married a woman; while similar, it's not the same thing (granted, I'd still not associate with him, hypocrite or not).

While I am considered somewhat odd in my humor, I don't think I can be labeled humorless; etymology, for instance, is often hilarious.

So a sensitive issue is funny when you say it is, and not funny when you say it is? That's perfect logic. I guess my whole bit about point of view was just nonsense!
There are plenty of sensitive subjects that can be funny in certain context to those who haven't been directly affected by them. Laughing about a joke that involves rape, isn't worse than laughing about a joke involving any other serious matter.

To clarify what I meant as hypocrisy: You probably laughed at a few jokes involving sensitive subjects which you care less about, and find some subjects inappropriate to make fun of, for a completely arbitrary reason. Simply saying that something isn't funny ever doesn't make it so.
FYI, Jim Sterling (thank god for him), isn't an actual authority in this matter.