The R Word

[Helmholtz Watson]

a comparison so off point that I'm forced to wonder if you're even trying to understand the core argument, or just brushing it off.

I understand it and I disagree with it.

Your ignoring the very point of the reply, imagine something PERSONAL being thrown in your face every time not because you bring it up but because some guy or girl you're never going to meet just wants to use the word and doesn't give two shits. If you want to compare it to something, Rape doesn't compare to saying you murdered someone or you starvationed them, it would compare to saying to a random woman 'Hey, it's raining like a miscarriage out here. Oh, you had one? Well f*ck you, I want to use the word'. Though even that pales in comparison to the emotions Rape brings up.

You know what I'm imagining? You making an argument that doesn't use an appeal to emotion fallacy [http://yourlogicalfallacyis.com/appeal-to-emotion].

I never said any of that. I'll thank you not to misquote me.

That entire quote was an appeal to emotion. You didn't say why murder is a word that is allowed to be used, you just kept bringing up the feeling of rape victims and how they should be considered while ignoring my question about the word murder.

I feel you are not being intellectually honest, however. I'd prefer if you came forward with your feelings. Do you truly feel that the words 'kill', 'starving', 'genocide', 'murder' etc, are all equally powerful and ought to be avoided? Or are you 'making a point' in saying that if we make it clear that 'rape' isn't tolerated that we are being intellectually dishonest and, therefor, should just use the word because slippery slopes and so forth?

Out with it. Either you think the author of the article is wrong and that the word should be used freely by whoever likes with no consequences, or you feel that we're not being intolerant enough of potential trigger words, in which case we are still in disagreement, but mostly because I'd think you were taking it to a 'logical extreme' that isn't necessary.

I feel that words like rape are just as bad as murder or kill and that if you are going to avoid using the word rape, you should avoid using hyperboles like murder or killing. However, seeing as how I don't think that they are nothing more than words, I feel that people should be allowed to say what you want on Xbox Live.

 

[Helmholtz Watson]

So, hey, how about instead you don't play video games if you want to hurt people?

No, if people payed for it, they have a right to use the product.

 

[Shjade]

So, hey, how about instead you don't play video games if you want to hurt people?

No, if people payed for it, they have a right to use the product.

Doesn't wash. If you pay for a gun, you don't then have the right to shoot someone with it. Owning a thing doesn't endow you with the power to use it in any way you see fit.

 

[itsthesheppy]

Your ignoring the very point of the reply, imagine something PERSONAL being thrown in your face every time not because you bring it up but because some guy or girl you're never going to meet just wants to use the word and doesn't give two shits. If you want to compare it to something, Rape doesn't compare to saying you murdered someone or you starvationed them, it would compare to saying to a random woman 'Hey, it's raining like a miscarriage out here. Oh, you had one? Well f*ck you, I want to use the word'. Though even that pales in comparison to the emotions Rape brings up.

You know what I'm imagining? You making an argument that doesn't use an appeal to emotion fallacy [http://yourlogicalfallacyis.com/appeal-to-emotion].

I never said any of that. I'll thank you not to misquote me.

That entire quote was an appeal to emotion. You didn't say why murder is a word that is allowed to be used, you just kept bringing up the feeling of rape victims and how they should be considered while ignoring my question about the word murder.

No. I mean the text you quoted me as saying, I didn't type. Someone else did, and you attached my name to it in your post. I literally never said those words that you were replying to.

I feel you are not being intellectually honest, however. I'd prefer if you came forward with your feelings. Do you truly feel that the words 'kill', 'starving', 'genocide', 'murder' etc, are all equally powerful and ought to be avoided? Or are you 'making a point' in saying that if we make it clear that 'rape' isn't tolerated that we are being intellectually dishonest and, therefor, should just use the word because slippery slopes and so forth?

Out with it. Either you think the author of the article is wrong and that the word should be used freely by whoever likes with no consequences, or you feel that we're not being intolerant enough of potential trigger words, in which case we are still in disagreement, but mostly because I'd think you were taking it to a 'logical extreme' that isn't necessary.

I feel that words like rape are just as bad as murder or kill and that if you are going to avoid using the word rape, you should avoid using hyperboles like murder or killing. However, seeing as how I don't think that they are nothing more than words, I feel that people should be allowed to say what you want on Xbox Live.

Alright then. You are comfortable with there being environments in gamer culture that are harmful and threatening to trauma survivors. Well, I'm not. I feel like we can do better. I feel like there should be no corner of this community that is not completely inclusive, completely safe for people to congregate and have a good time. The society is whatever we make it to be. If you don't care enough about trauma victims to do your part to make the community safer for them, and for everyone, then I'll thank you to at the very least not stand in the way of people who are trying.

 

[CaptainKarma]

Edit: ^^^^^Case in point.

Steve Hughes talks about people overreacting to words [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9tn2EhGK5ok]

I realize that people associate ideas with words, I just disagree that some words are not ok to use in trash talking.

As for what you and I have heard, when I have played Halo or COD and somebody killed a large number of people without dieing themselves, I have heard people say that they "just committed a genocide".

I hate that guy so much, he completely misses the point. Yes, I agree that we shouldnt (mostly) avoid words just in case they offend people. There are much stronger reasons we should avoid words. In this case, it's because you may trigger violent and distressing flashbacks, as well as it being shockingly tactless, and trivialising violent acts.

And don't try and make comparisons with murder or genocide. Yes, they're horrible, and its tactless to use those words, but society is pretty open about them being bad. Rape is still trivialised, people are either not believed, treated as if they were asking for it, victim blamed, told to just get over it etc. It's not about the word, its about the way society treats the thing.

http://genderbitch.wordpress.com/2011/04/02/words-offense/

Sticks and stones may break my bones but words can mobilize an entire society in violent hate against me. And we should never forget that fact.

She's talking about a different word, but its still a damn good article for dispelling this "but its just a word/offense is dumb" bullshit.

 

[Creatural]

So, hey, how about instead you don't play video games if you want to hurt people?

No, if people payed for it, they have a right to use the product.

Then why would a rape survivor have any less of a right to play a game and not hear horrible things reminding them of a horrible thing in their past?

And before you bring it up, we're talking about the word rape here as it's the word being used. Starving, genocide, and murder aren't typically used in these situations and I think you're aware of that. I don't think it's right either to bring up those words for people who have suffered traumas relating to their own pasts, before you bring that up as well.

Rape as word though has to be treated more seriously now as there are people who aren't even treating the concept as something serious to begin with and it makes that pain even worse. Someone who's been abused and sexually assaulted, hearing a rape joke is more likely to be hurt than when hearing a abuse joke since they know that the person they're hearing these things from is going to treat one of these things far more seriously in real life and they don't have a guarantee they won't rape someone given the chance as society treats that far less seriously than they should. There is a much smaller chance of the same person making the joke being like to try and break an arm. That's not true of all survivors, but it is in general the reason you'll hear about why a survivor of rape and something else is more disturbed by the rape joke than any other kind relating to traumatic experiences.

Also, your earlier comment about rape survivors not being able to deal with murder in a game when someone mentions rape? That doesn't make sense. Being hurt by one thing does not equate to being hurt by another or making you a "delicate flower" in all situations.

I can't deal with some of my triggers too well, but I can look at Dead Space and not be phased by the violence there at all. Or even scared.

 

[Anonymous]

I think people need to get over it. Rape is a word just like killed, murdered, starving, beaten, and genocide are words. There is no reason why the word rape should be treated like something special while the words I mentioned get an ok.

OP:Sorry to hear about your experience but why is this an article on a video game site?
EDIT:If the author is trying to discourage people from using the term rape, I hope that they also feel the same way about words like murder, killed, genocide, starving and beating.

Actually, I have family members who are victims of genocide. I don't mean "they are part of an ethnic group that had genocide perpetrated against them," I mean they themselves were beaten, starved, chased from their homes by soldiers, and saw their houses destroyed. For whatever reason, they don't respond to those words in the way rape victims often respond to slang uses of the word "rape." (Even though many of them have post-traumatic stress disorder.) Having said that, I know a lot of Jews who don't appreciate Holocaust jokes, so -- no, I don't think joking about genocide is somehow "okay" either.

I'm not forcing anyone stop using the word "rape," I just want people to understand that it can be hurtful, and make a conscious decision about whether or not using the word is worth the damage it can cause. Some people will be okay with it, some won't, but as it stands many people haven't considered why others would be hurt by the term.

 

[itsthesheppy]

I'm sorry if this sounds insensitive but, Mr. Anonymous, you need to stop having the mentality of a fucking victim. You need to stop being a coward, trying as you do to block out anything to do with rape. It only represses your emotions and thus gives them more control over you. You need to stop living in fear.

You can do it. You know how I know that you can do it? Because when I was a wee lad of 4 I was raped multiple times. I repressed it. It haunted my dreams for 14 years until I re-experienced it in its totality when I was 18. It was the fucking worse thing ever but it still wasn't enough. After that I had 5 imaginary death experiences that were at least as painful as my initial re-experience. Even after that I had to quit my university for a few semesters because I found myself to be now so incapable of dealing with any stress that I would go into a state of paralytic shock for hours on ends at the simplest demands. Hell, it's only now that I've finally got over my subconscious fear of intimacy that has prevented me from forming any kind of sexual relationship.

But you know what? I got the fuck over it. Sure, my rape is still an uncomfortable subject but I didn't have to spend two damn weeks of suffering to write this post. As for the subject of rape in general I'm fine with it. I don't get offended at the use of rape in media or in the news or by punk-ass kids on Xbox. That's because I've learned to accept it and integrate it. I am no longer afraid because instead of repressing and running away from my fears I have the courage to confront them.

Mr. Anonymous you, sir, are a damn coward right now. You're letting your fears govern your life and the more you continue to run away from your fears the more they will own you. You don't have to be a coward, Mr. Anonymous, you can find the courage to confront your fears if you just get out of the mentality of being permanently damaged. No matter what anyone tells you, you don't have to be a damaged man.

All I will say that it is poor form to tell someone else that the way they cope is inferior because it is different from yours. I feel for what's happened to you and I fully recognize that I could never truly understand it, but attacking someone who has just painfully revealed something tragic about themselves in an appeal for a community that is more inclusive is bad form.

 

[flatten_the_skyline]

Feminism sucks because it by and large represents a dual standard, and the arguement that girls should be able to do things that get guys branded freaks or wierdos.

I wished some people could have good long discussions with feminists that don't escalate into a fight.

Feminism is such a complex thing and it's easy to just take some example and say that's all there is to it.

And sure, there's people who give feminism a bad reputation (SCUM Manifesto anyone?)

But mostly, what most feminists I speak with want is consent and equality. Both are much less common than you might think.

Consent:
Actually, every sexual interaction is supposed to be consensual. Talk someone who clearly doesn't want to into having sex - not consenual. Touch someone who doesn't want to be touched, even if it's your partner - the same. Flirt aggressively with someone who is not interested in you - get lost. Some people demand that oral consent should be given before every sexual interaction, even in a relationship - and while this might sound a little harsh, in some situations your perception of events just isn't right. As long as there is consent, everything goes - and it is not a contradiction to be a feminist female that is sexually submissive - just because someone sometimes wants to be dominated doesn't mean that it's a weak person. Same with rape fantasies: Yes they exist, but just because you want to live them out in a safe setting doesn't turn you free for all.



Feminists often speak of "rape culture", and I am afraid that that is not exaggerated. One in four women suffers rape or attempted rape at least once in their lives, (women are, in the US, 91% of the victims) many of them get raped by "friends", partners or family members.
And don't give me that "she said it was rape because she cheated" argument to say that people shouldn't be punished for rape. An FBI study claims that 3% of rape accusations are false.
I know a few victims, I have been drugged and sexually abused myself (as a male, though my case wasn't that extreme), and I guess there are many others that just wouldn't tell me about it. About 60% of rape cases never get reported to the police. Of all the cases I know, none was. I just couldn't. The only thing I know that ever happened in all those cases was that one of the rapists was later severely beaten by a boyfriend. No one believed the raped person, they told her to be glad if that guy favoured her.


Equality:
I'm not going into this "women are paid less" thing, which still is an issue, but I want to go into another direction. It is the perception that isn't equal. A great example is that there is no real word for a male slut. There is actually no way a woman can be without being judged. If she's sexually active, she's a slut, if she isn't, she's prude. If a woman dresses sexy, men in her vicinity will think that she wants their response, or that that entitles them to anything.

 

[Danial]

It's not about offending, it's about hurting someone, on a very real level. What's more important to you - your use of the word, or not making someone relive trauma? What do you value more - saying "I raped you" on Xbox Live, or not giving someone nightmares?

That's what it comes down to, really. This isn't about someone's delicate sensibilities, this is about the fact that a single word can actually cause someone emotional and physical pain.

Being raped does change you: it's more than non-consensual sex, it's psychic murder.

These two quotes pretty much destroyed any other arguments I have so far read, but I must admit, the one comparing the pain of rape with the pain of a paper cut made me hate the world a little bit, but it is a very good example of why this kind of thing needs to be dragged in front of people, and why brave people like the OP (the "Gaming Community" tends to act to any kind of criticism with a mix of the mob from the Frankenstein films and a fucking auto immune disease, so I can forgive him withholding his name) to show people that its not about offence or fucking feminism.

 

[Iron Lightning]

Edit: ^^^^^Case in point.

Steve Hughes talks about people overreacting to words [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9tn2EhGK5ok]

I realize that people associate ideas with words, I just disagree that some words are not ok to use in trash talking.

As for what you and I have heard, when I have played Halo or COD and somebody killed a large number of people without dieing themselves, I have heard people say that they "just committed a genocide".

I hate that guy so much, he completely misses the point. Yes, I agree that we shouldnt (mostly) avoid words just in case they offend people. There are much stronger reasons we should avoid words. In this case, it's because you may trigger violent and distressing flashbacks, as well as it being shockingly tactless, and trivialising violent acts.

And don't try and make comparisons with murder or genocide. Yes, they're horrible, and its tactless to use those words, but society is pretty open about them being bad. Rape is still trivialised, people are either not believed, treated as if they were asking for it, victim blamed, told to just get over it etc. It's not about the word, its about the way society treats the thing.

Okay, so let me get this straight. It's not okay to use the word "rape" because it might trigger violent flashbacks. It is, however, okay to use works like "murder," "genocide," "assault," "kill," etc. which also might trigger violent flashbacks because society apparently doesn't trivialize those things. Wait a minute, wouldn't society, as you claim, treating murder as much more serious than rape mean that victims of murder (i.e. those people who have been harshly impacted by close love dieing) should react more harshly to murder than victims of rape should react to rape? You know what else is really trivialized by society? Woman on man violence. That can also cause traumatic flashbacks. I guess we should ban women from saying that they "dominated" anyone because that might cause traumatic flashbacks.

Man, I just don't see how this logic makes any sense.

http://genderbitch.wordpress.com/2011/04/02/words-offense/

Sticks and stones may break my bones but words can mobilize an entire society in violent hate against me. And we should never forget that fact.

She's talking about a different word, but its still a damn good article for dispelling this "but its just a word/offense is dumb" bullshit.

Didn't you say at the top of your post that we shouldn't avoid words in case they offend people?

 

[Toilet]

I'm confused, was the person writing a man or a woman? I read the word "raped" and I think the person writing this article is a women but then I read "girlfriend" and then I think it's a dude. (Oh wait, I caught on it's a dude).

Rape is bad and I will make sure not to rape people when I meet them; I understand that, it is common decency not to rape people just after shaking their hand. Here is my problem with rape is the major advertisement of "rape culture" (which is a silly pseudo word that can be used to deflate the argument of any opinion ie. "you are just a supporter of rape culture.") kills the meaning and significance of rape and rape accusations.

People are taking rape less seriously because apparently the more something happens the less significant is it, we didn't have all this nonsense about rape culture 10 or 20 years ago. There was no grey area with rape and it was all the more serious of a subject. I picture rape where a the victim is dragged off into an alley or bushes and violently violated and left to rot in a pool of filth.

I don't picture rape where a drunk women has a night full of sex in her bed with a guy and wakes up in the morning not remembering whether she consented.

Also there is people who lie about rape which hurts it much more. I suggest you read into a dude called Brian Banks for more on that subject.

EDIT: I also agree with the guy a few posts up, rape victims need to just get out of the victim mentality and just get over it. One of my previous girlfriends said she was raped by her cousin and she didn't play any stupid games and she had gotten over it.

 

[Weaver]

Not to trivialize the argument, but words do get adopted into societal vernaculars through linguistic evolution. Have you ever said the phrase "I got Gypped?" This phrase is still considered to be incredibly offensive to Romanian people because it presumes they're all con artists and swindlers with no ethical compass; yet no one in the west bats an eye to how potentially offensive it can be. In a video game someone could get really bad loot in a dungeon and say they got "gypped" and real, actual people would be incredibly disgusted with the phrase.

The question I then pose is, do we need to be so careful with every day wording that we filter everything anyone can be affected by? I want to clarify I find the presented story to be horrific and I, personally, just don't trash talk in games and find myself to be generally to be a personable individual in real life and I do try to show sensitivity to societal issues.

 

[Paradoxrifts]

[youtube.com/watch?v=5FsfLPohZ]


As moving and articulate as that article was I'm still with George Carlin on this one. Rape can not only be funny, but can be outright hilarious if the subject is properly presented. The real cognitive failure here is that collectively we have an ever-growing body of people who fail completely at coming to an important realisation about themselves.

They're just not George Carlin.

In fact the overwhelming majority of gamers would be hard pressed to be funnier than a third-tier team of comedy writers like the guys at Penny Arcade, whose comic 'The Sixth Slave' partially triggered this latest drawn out wave of feminist slacktivism. Which is why I'm bringing up the comedy angle in the first place. While I personally find that comic to be outright hilarious, I'm not about to go out on the internet and in my day to day life and start cracking jokes about rape. It's beyond my capabilities. If you couldn't support yourself financially with your sense of humour, take that as your hint, realise and grasp the extent of your innate limitations.

It's not a hard concept to grasp. Also I've never agreed with the notion of substituting the word 'rape' for 'winning', when we already had 'owning' or 'pwning'. I'm old fashioned like that.

 

[Yureina]

-snip-

I suppose we can agree to disagree. I don't find disability, torture, or assault to be funny either, and I don't joke about them. Violence in general just isn't something I find amusing, with the possible exception of Pulp Fiction and a few things like that. But in that specific case... who wouldn't find this (NSFW) [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ec-8mD_BhrU] to be kinda funny?

I'm just not the type of person who finds (real) people getting hurt to be funny.

 

[CaptainKarma]

Edit: ^^^^^Case in point.

Steve Hughes talks about people overreacting to words [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9tn2EhGK5ok]

I realize that people associate ideas with words, I just disagree that some words are not ok to use in trash talking.

As for what you and I have heard, when I have played Halo or COD and somebody killed a large number of people without dieing themselves, I have heard people say that they "just committed a genocide".

I hate that guy so much, he completely misses the point. Yes, I agree that we shouldnt (mostly) avoid words just in case they offend people. There are much stronger reasons we should avoid words. In this case, it's because you may trigger violent and distressing flashbacks, as well as it being shockingly tactless, and trivialising violent acts.

And don't try and make comparisons with murder or genocide. Yes, they're horrible, and its tactless to use those words, but society is pretty open about them being bad. Rape is still trivialised, people are either not believed, treated as if they were asking for it, victim blamed, told to just get over it etc. It's not about the word, its about the way society treats the thing.

Okay, so let me get this straight. It's not okay to use the word "rape" because it might trigger violent flashbacks. It is, however, okay to use works like "murder," "genocide," "assault," "kill," etc. which also might trigger violent flashbacks because society apparently doesn't trivialize those things. Wait a minute, wouldn't society, as you claim, treating murder as much more serious than rape mean that victims of murder (i.e. those people who have been harshly impacted by close love dieing) should react more harshly to murder than victims of rape should react to rape? You know what else is really trivialized by society? Woman on man violence. That can also cause traumatic flashbacks. I guess we should ban women from saying that they "dominated" anyone because that might cause traumatic flashbacks.

Man, I just don't see how this logic makes any sense.

http://genderbitch.wordpress.com/2011/04/02/words-offense/

Sticks and stones may break my bones but words can mobilize an entire society in violent hate against me. And we should never forget that fact.

She's talking about a different word, but its still a damn good article for dispelling this "but its just a word/offense is dumb" bullshit.

Didn't you say at the top of your post that we shouldn't avoid words in case they offend people?

Are you being deliberately obtuse? They are different reasons. Yes, both words are tactless to use, but trivialising rape has worse effects than trivialising murder. I am not saying that murder is an okay word to use, I am saying that rape is a worse word to use. And that focusing on the minor reasons (tactlessness) is silly an we should focus on the more severe reasons (like horrifying flashbacks).

The article says something similar, I have no idea what your issue with it is.

 

[Iron Lightning]

All I will say that it is poor form to tell someone else that the way they cope is inferior because it is different from yours. I feel for what's happened to you and I fully recognize that I could never truly understand it, but attacking someone who has just painfully revealed something tragic about themselves in an appeal for a community that is more inclusive is bad form.

Cope? I'm not coping. I'm fine, I'm cured insofar as it possible to be. Coping is what people who can't get over it do. Mr. Anonymous is not over it. If he ever wants to get over it then he simply has to face his fears. That's not just my experience. It's the prevailing psychological theory.

So, it's bad form to tell a person that they need to stop living in fear. It's bad form to tell a person that they need to get over being a victim.

Then it must be good form to reinforce the person through hollow sympathy and leave him so terrified that the mere mention of rape turns the person into a quivering mess. Yep, that's really nice.

 

[Anonymous]

Cheering "Rape!" during an attempted rape scene? That's messed up.

Anonymous, get new friends, ones who aren't psychopaths1.

Whoa, hold it there. I have great friends who are extremely kind to me and are definitely not psychopaths. My point in using this as an example wasn't to show how my friends were cruel to me, but to show how even people who I care deeply about and choose to be close to can fall into not treating rape seriously because it's just not a real thing for them. To them, it's something they see in movies or hear about, not something that happens to flesh-and-blood people who are in the room with them.

Ask any of my friends what they think of rape and they'll tell you it's a horrible act that should be punished with a high degree of severity. However, when they're at a party, liquored up and being silly, even they can fall into the cultural meme of making it a joke. (Especially watching Game of Thrones, which, let's admit, is kind of a rape-y show.)

That's the point: I don't think anyone who uses the term "rape" inappropriately are bad people, they just don't "get it" because it's never been a reality for them.

You yourself have decided to not only remain anonymous within the realm of this article/discussion but also within your circle of friends (as you have mentioned the Game of Thrones incident). When people use the term online during a game, watching a show, or on the courts they are not doing it with any malice more than any other form of trash talk or vulgar humour.

I understand that people's intention can be non-malicious, in fact, I think that's most often the case. However, the arrow shot in sport still wounds. Unfortunately, in this case the word itself dredges up negative feelings and serves to trivialize something which many people already do not take seriously.

And why are you willing to tell complete strangers about this anonymously when you don't even tell your friends? I know being a rape victim isn't something to advertise, but the only reason they "couldn't have known" is if YOU made a conscious decision NOT to tell them. If these people are important to you then you really should have told them how you felt. Conforming to the societal norm that rape is something the victim should be ashamed of just makes it stronger.

I can understand why you would be confused by this. Actually, it can become very complicated who I do and don't tell. While I don't think it's something to be ashamed of per se, it does heavily change people's perceptions of you and frankly some people just aren't prepared to handle it. I've had friends grow distant after I've told them about my experiences, and others become guilty that they'd made rape and molestation jokes in front of me, or emailed me things that made me uncomfortable.

Unfortunately, a large group of friends making rape jokes is pretty much the worst time to tell them that you don't appreciate them, and that you're hurt because of experiences from your past. This is the worst time because 1) you've killed everyone's mood, and 2) you have to do this as part of a you-against-the-group speech, and that's not the ideal time to tell something personal about yourself. Also, as I mentioned before, you can't always trust everyone to handle it well. It's best to tell your friends individually, after the fact, that you had a problem with this behavior. In my experience, they take that pretty well, though you run the risk of them surmising you're a rape victim simply by stating you have a problem with rape jokes (body language always gives you away).

As for writing the article anonymously: recently several writers who have written on this or similar subjects have been harassed not only in the comments sections but on their blogs, on social media, by email, and even with having their Wikipedia pages defaced. I'd rather that not happen, thanks. Is it a little cowardly? Yeah, I think so, but I think it's also prudent.

 

[itsthesheppy]

All I will say that it is poor form to tell someone else that the way they cope is inferior because it is different from yours. I feel for what's happened to you and I fully recognize that I could never truly understand it, but attacking someone who has just painfully revealed something tragic about themselves in an appeal for a community that is more inclusive is bad form.

Cope? I'm not coping. I'm fine, I'm cured insofar as it possible to be. Coping is what people who can't get over it do. Mr. Anonymous is not over it. If he ever wants to get over it then he simply has to face his fears. That's not just my experience. It's the prevailing psychological theory.

So, it's bad form to tell a person that they need to stop living in fear. It's bad form to tell a person that they need to get over being a victim.

Then it must be good form to reinforce the person through hollow sympathy and leave him so terrified that the mere mention of rape turns the person into a quivering mess. Yep, that's really nice.

Look, I'm happy you are feeling fine and fully healed from the trauma you experienced. that does not give you license to attack someone else because they are not handling it as well as you are. You need to understand that people handle things differently, and confronting them isn't doing them any favors. They need to heal at their own pace. You may think that you are giving them 'tough love' but all you're really doing is making their lives tougher.

You need to either let them heal as best they can, or ask how you can help. Simply barging in and shouting at them and calling them named and accusing them of cowardice only makes you out to be an unpleasant person who is best avoided.