The R Word

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry if this sounds insensitive but, Mr. Anonymous, you need to stop having the mentality of a fucking victim. You need to stop being a coward, trying as you do to block out anything to do with rape. It only represses your emotions and thus gives them more control over you. You need to stop living in fear.

Mr. Anonymous you, sir, are a damn coward right now. You're letting your fears govern your life and the more you continue to run away from your fears the more they will own you. You don't have to be a coward, Mr. Anonymous, you can find the courage to confront your fears if you just get out of the mentality of being permanently damaged. No matter what anyone tells you, you don't have to be a damaged man.

Hi Iron Lightning. A few things:

I think you're being misled by my being a self-described "rape victim." I understand how you could take this to mean I'm living my life with an attitude of victimization, but nothing could be further from the truth. I tend to use the words "rape victim" to describe myself because it helps me to remember that I was the victim of a crime. I realize that others prefer the term "rape survivor" because it has more empowering connotations, but that's never really sat right with me -- people "survive" natural events like hurricanes, floods, and tornadoes, things brought on by fate, whereas rape isn't a natural part of life: it's a conscious choice someone made to hurt you. When I realized that my experience was the fault of a specific person who did something society specifically set out a punishment for, it helped me come to terms with it better.

Believe me, I'm not "living in fear." If I was, would I be telling my story on the Internet? (I decided to be Anonymous mostly because of the social media/comments backlash some people have experienced when talking about this subject.)

I doubt anyone who knew me would say I have a "victim's" outlook on the world. I'm very successful, I'm highly extroverted, and I don't shy away from difficult subjects or topics. I'm adventurous and travel a lot. I'm social and have many friends, and after understanding better what was causing me problems in the arena of dating, I actually figured out that I was really good at it. In fact, even at my worst I was always doing excellent work and having a pretty good time -- despite that, I had things bubbling under the surface.

The fact that there are still things that bother me about my abuse doesn't contradict anything in the paragraph above. There's nothing wrong with the fact that I still have some things to work out, or find certain words hurtful. And hearing "rape" doesn't make me dissolve into a puddle of tears, it just makes it less fun to play games -- sometimes a little less fun, often a lot less fun, depending on my mood. Like everyone, I have good days and bad days. Sure, facing your fears is great, but I want to face them on my terms, not be forced into it on Xbox Live when I'm trying to relax.

I'm really sorry about what happened to you, and I'm glad you feel you're entirely recovered, (I always hesitate to use that word myself, since I've thought I was "recovered" before, only to have my symptoms get worse) and frankly some of the stuff you went through makes my episodes of depression sound like small beer. Hope all continues to go well, I appreciate how aggressively you've gone after life.

 

[Shamanic Rhythm]

This is a fantastic and courageous article, and it sickens me that people in this thread are trying to derail the discussion by getting back to the 'feminist agenda' and calling people hypocrites because they have no problem with words pertaining to ordinary violence.

I would argue that traditionally gaming culture has evolved a language of its own that highlights how it has disconnected from the language of violence. Words like 'frag', 'gib', 'own/pwn' have different connotations outside of the online FPS community, and don't generally cause offence to anyone. When used in game, it is understood semantically that they only pertain to violence in the game itself, and the mental script they activate is roughly analogous to trash talking in sports. That's the cognitive process that allows people to engage in competitive behaviour without actually expressing violent intentions.

However, to take a word that already has extremely violent connotations and try to supplant it with some new meaning that fits this mental script, where it is understood as violence that doesn't actually hurt anyone, is an expressly dangerous precedent. What we now know through cognitive science is that certain words trigger a part of the brain called the amygdala that is associated with survival mechanics, controlling things like the release of adrenaline, and that over-use of these words dampens the effect of the effect of the amygdala. In other words, it is physiologically possible to water-down the effect of language in the brain.

Rape is a word that should not be diluted with additional levels of meaning in particular contexts. Rape is a serious, psychologically damaging crime, and one major issue that persists in regards to rape is the issue of victims not being taken seriously. If we allow the word 'rape' a pass in online gaming because we know people only mean it analogously, we are contributing to a process that strips away a physiological reaction to the term 'rape', one that helps people take it seriously as a crime.

 

[Muspelheim]

It's... Possibly one of the most profound and thought-provoking articles I've ever read. It's fantastic, and that insight is very much needed at this point. It was brave of you to pull through and write it, such bravery isn't exactly commonplace. You have said something that really needed to be said. Thank you.

It does put certain things in perspective, of course. People do throw around very strong and meaningful words very carelessly these days, and even more in a semi-anonymous enviroment. Many probably don't mean any harm whatsoever, but just haven't stopped to think what the words mean, or what they could mean to someone else. And articles like this is a great aid towards making sure those people are enlightened about it, and ultimately stop using words like rape so haphazardly, to the benefit of everyone. Most people are good people, and in the end, they want to do the right thing.

Some people, though... Honestly, the day I'd live to see someone put their right to shout "rape" as a random slur on the internet over other people's well being... Their right to remain juvenile and to keep their mislabled feeling of "independence" does not trump not making people miserable. It's just a few words to avoid saying in a needless context. It's simple, but not even that tiny contribution for their fellow human beings can they manage...

They are few, but there are real monsters out there. They disgust me.

Again, thank you. I needed to read this. I think the internet as a whole should read this.

 

[newdarkcloud]

I want to thank the author for having the courage to invite us into his world and help us understand what people who go through things like that endure.

Also, thank you for making the argument I had with my friend regarding this subject much easier. Now I can link him to this and go "That's why".

 

[CosmicCommander]

^^^^^ That may be all well and good, but, like reclaiming racial epithets, that is not your call to make

[/quote]

I'll just assume this was directed towards me, I being the guy directly above.

So the way language is used isn't the call of the speakers? I use the word "******" when talking to my white friends in a white setting with levity and joy; why? Because it's naturally evolved to be a word we use in discussions. Language and the way it's utilised isn't "called", it develops independently and freely based upon those who use it.

I'm not calling for people to change their definition of rape; but it seems a lot of people are expanding it's definition and using it in more and more circumstance. That's the natural development of language, right there; it changes based on the users.

That supplements my argument very nicely. So yes, we must remain filled with levity lest we live in fear and start speaking with edicts and consensus.

 

[MrSnugglesworth]

Very well done. I can't say I empathize or understand how it feels but you made quite the impact on me. Thank you for the article, Anonymous.

 

[JerrytheBullfrog]

A terrible article with dangerous ramifications, and I demand an opportunity to provide a counterpoint even though I know I will not be allowed one.

....provide it here maybe?

I'm on probation already and every time I provide an opinion contrary to the popular one I get reported.

You might want to work on your delivery? Or perhaps you should consider the opinions you have on things, and why the things you say might negatively affect people?

If those were the rules, "The R Word" article would never be posted as it is a request to limit free speech. But nobody considers that because my view is the minority and thus does not count.

He's not forcing anybody to not say anything. He's saying that you should think before you speak because you could *be hurting someone* with your words.

Buuuut I don't think you really get that, seeing as how you've said that an article about a man baring his soul about one of the most excruciating things that can happen to a human being is a "terrible article with dangerous ramifications."

That may be one of the most disgusting things I have ever heard somebody say.

 

[Susan Arendt]

A terrible article with dangerous ramifications, and I demand an opportunity to provide a counterpoint even though I know I will not be allowed one.

....provide it here maybe?

I'm on probation already and every time I provide an opinion contrary to the popular one I get reported.

You might want to work on your delivery? Or perhaps you should consider the opinions you have on things, and why the things you say might negatively affect people?

If those were the rules, "The R Word" article would never be posted as it is a request to limit free speech. But nobody considers that because my view is the minority and thus does not count.

It does no such thing. It asks people to think before speaking. It's attempting to educate people about something they quite possibly have no real context for. It is, at its most basic, asking for a modicum of considering for your fellow humans.

None of that comes anywhere near limiting free speech. You're still free to say whatever you like.

 

[Sinbeans]

It means a lot to me seeing this article on a gaming website. Thanks for writing such a profound article Anonymous!

 

[Ipsen]

Okay, so let me get this straight. It's not okay to use the word "rape" because it might trigger violent flashbacks. It is, however, okay to use works like "murder," "genocide," "assault," "kill," etc. which also might trigger violent flashbacks because society apparently doesn't trivialize those things. Wait a minute, wouldn't society, as you claim, treating murder as much more serious than rape mean that victims of murder (i.e. those people who have been harshly impacted by close love dieing) should react more harshly to murder than victims of rape should react to rape? You know what else is really trivialized by society? Woman on man violence. That can also cause traumatic flashbacks. I guess we should ban women from saying that they "dominated" anyone because that might cause traumatic flashbacks.

Man, I just don't see how this logic makes any sense.

I'll try to explain this in a way that has already has been explained already in comments posted.

I'll give you the pass to say anything you want online. If you want to insult someone, go ahead, say you 'raped' them. Or 'murder' them. Or committed 'genocide' in some shape or fashion. But in return, you better damn well be AWARE of what the other person may be thinking, and be prepared to face, to fully empathize with the pain (fuck the offense) those words may cause. If I were to use those words online in an insulting fashion, I'm ready to bow my head in apology, or anything that can even remotely soothe that person's trauma, especially when we're talking about games we both should be enjoying. Anything less, and you're no better than disease-ridden fecal matter. As much as I am misanthropic and disappointed with today's society (not like I'm faultless either but), I don't wish to push people away with 'mere' words.

Verbal language, like all communication, is always about how the receiving party perceives it, much more so than what the communicator is expressing. If we didn't think about the words we hear, what would the point of speech be, then? So you can't simply lump the mention of, the word 'rape' with other atrocities humans inflict on each other(I mean, you can, but you only distort understanding of what rape is by starting to question it alongside other topics). I'll press that, in a comment section for an article about rape, we keep it focused.

All I will say that it is poor form to tell someone else that the way they cope is inferior because it is different from yours. I feel for what's happened to you and I fully recognize that I could never truly understand it, but attacking someone who has just painfully revealed something tragic about themselves in an appeal for a community that is more inclusive is bad form.

Cope? I'm not coping. I'm fine, I'm cured insofar as it possible to be. Coping is what people who can't get over it do. Mr. Anonymous is not over it. If he ever wants to get over it then he simply has to face his fears. That's not just my experience. It's the prevailing psychological theory.

So, it's bad form to tell a person that they need to stop living in fear. It's bad form to tell a person that they need to get over being a victim.

Then it must be good form to reinforce the person through hollow sympathy and leave him so terrified that the mere mention of rape turns the person into a quivering mess. Yep, that's really nice.

So you're not coping. But you're nowhere near understanding what the article portrays about the author. Great job. [footnote]I'm aware I'm being a bit harsh and condescending here, but that's just the way I'm trying to reach you. I hope you can understand.[/footnote]

I, and betting that so many others, do not see that the author is living in fear. There's more evidence that, being that s/he can write a 3 page article coherently on the subject, has actually mastered his/her fear of that situation.

I think you just have the tense wrong. 'Lived in fear', not 'Living in fear'.

OP, you give heart to this website. I am grateful for the experience you've shared with us all. I can only hope I can take the fullness of it with me in life.

 

[Ragsnstitches]

This piece was a great read. A lot to take in mind you. Though I've always been an empathetic person, or at least strived to see the world in other peoples eyes, I would be a fool to think I can understand something without experience. There were lessons learned today.

That said, I can't help but notice something particularly typical about the comments that follow. It seems that no matter how hard someone tries, people will always miss the point.

When someone points to the moon, there will always be people who stare at the finger.

 

[Broken Blade]

Thank you very much for writing this, sir. I'm sorry that it was so hard for you, but I'm grateful that you did it.

 

[Helmholtz Watson]

snip

Your example doesn't hold up. A more appropriate example would be I have a license to go hunting that there are animal rights activist that are offended by my activity. They have a right to be offended, but it doesn't stop me from being allowed to hunt.

No. I mean the text you quoted me as saying, I didn't type.

...oh. Apologies.

If you don't care enough about trauma victims to do your part to make the community safer for them, and for everyone, then I'll thank you to at the very least not stand in the way of people who are trying.

I won't get in your way as long as you don't try to push your agenda on me

 

[ZippyDSMlee]

Some random zippy thoughts

When things enter into the realm of fiction they become a spices if not world. Rape,violence,sex,ect,ect,ect. All are modes of transportation to take a story from one event to another. However they are used always let who/what/when/where be the debate. Also using words incorrectly (ie retard,rape,ect) is what humans do.

They take hard to inane volatile concepts and make fun of it. Life is harsher than any of us, to make us try and not mis use some words as so we can have an appearance of respect or notion as to the real meaning of the word in use which at the middle point of conversation both sides are taking things out of context.(IE neither understanding the other side more than moronic morality police or inane sht talking punk or silly idiotic humor ).

Its nonsensical and smacks of fake and false and illusionary make believe happy time. At a point and time one dose have to grow some thick skin or people in general will grow more to take the most inane things all the more personally which dose none of us any good. It?s a word, we are the ones that give them power, they have many meanings and innuendos per individual and many many more variants strewn across the world. Your good intentions to clean up humanities vocabulary might well be all and fine but it?s a very asinine task if you ask me.

edit

Oh and can we get the crime of rape to be equal to that of murder so we can cull them from the prison rosters....

edit
IMO this its more situational based meaning that people must take time be careful/respectful around the traumatized person, this is not going to happen by white washing the issue and saying that all poor/inane usages of the trigger words are the problem IMO.

 

[itsthesheppy]

If you don't care enough about trauma victims to do your part to make the community safer for them, and for everyone, then I'll thank you to at the very least not stand in the way of people who are trying.

I won't get in your way as long as you don't try to push your agenda on me

If by 'push agenda' you mean 'ask you not to use offensive language' then I make no promises.

 

[Muspelheim]

He's not forcing anybody to not say anything. He's saying that you should think before you speak because you could *be hurting someone* with your words.

Buuuut I don't think you really get that, seeing as how you've said that an article about a man baring his soul about one of the most excruciating things that can happen to a human being is a "terrible article with dangerous ramifications."

That may be one of the most disgusting things I have ever heard somebody say.

It's not worth it, mate. In his mind, he's bravely defending his rights and the concept of free speech on the barricades, while we, the majority, tries to silence him and general righteousness, repressing the minority und so weiter...

Some people seem to think basic consideration for other people is too much of a prize to pay.

I won't get in your way as long as you don't try to push your agenda on me

Again, behaving like a considering, respectful adult is hardly an agenda.

 

[Mishell Baker]

In response to the question: how am I supposed to know there is a rape victim in the room if I am not told?

Count people in earshot. Ten or more? Safe to assume there is a rape victim in the room. Way easier just to pick a different word.

 

[Ipsen]

I was deeply moved by this, truly.

When I finished reading and reflected, though, I thought of that legendary line from Shakespeare "What's in a name?" Sure, you touched on the point that the definition of words change over time, but the fact of the matter is is that the word "rape" isn't used in malice or cruelty or intentionally used to cause upset. The only reason it causes upset is that those who immediately correlate the word with their own horrific experiences -- like yourself. Indeed, I'd say that although some gamers could use some soap in their mouths, conflating words (abstract concepts, on their own) with experiences may very well lead to difficulty in any element of life.

Trivialising rape is bad, of course. But using the word rape in a completely different context as many gamers do shouldn't attract as much upset. I remember something Charlie Chaplain once said: "Laughter is the tonic, the relief, the surcease for pain." If we let concepts and ideas hurt us so, we truly give in to them. We must laugh at them, ultimately. In a sense, gamers have come to embody this; in the face of every atrocity and tragedy, the general reaction is to laugh at it in some new and creative way in defiance of sadness and shock.

My interpretation, anyway. I know, I'm a psuedo-intellectual fuck.

I would say why it's still bad to use rape in a manner even without malice becomes more clear when you ask yourself, "When experiencing something, which comes first, the thought, or the feeling?". It kinda seems like a 'chicken or the egg' argument, but I think myself that the feeling comes first, so those affected by trauma of, say, rape, are going to feel the hell first, then be able to think about it.

 

[Helmholtz Watson]

In this case, it's because you may trigger violent and distressing flashbacks, as well as it being shockingly tactless, and trivialising violent acts.

So instead of having fun, I should be walking on egg shells for other people? No thanks.

And don't try and make comparisons with murder or genocide. Yes, they're horrible, and its tactless to use those words, but society is pretty open about them being bad. Rape is still trivialised, people are either not believed, treated as if they were asking for it, victim blamed, told to just get over it etc. It's not about the word, its about the way society treats the thing.

And this has what to do with what I should or shouldn't say on Xbox live?

Then why would a rape survivor have any less of a right to play a game and not hear horrible things reminding them of a horrible thing in their past?

They have every right to mute people they don't want to listen to.

And before you bring it up, we're talking about the word rape here as it's the word being used. Starving, genocide, and murder aren't typically used in these situations and I think you're aware of that. I don't think it's right either to bring up those words for people who have suffered traumas relating to their own pasts, before you bring that up as well.

Nonsense, those words are used like that. Go look at my previous post about Project Gotham racing and Midnight Club.

Someone who's been abused and sexually assaulted, hearing a rape joke is more likely to be hurt than when hearing a abuse joke since they know that the person they're hearing these things from is going to treat one of these things far more seriously in real life and they don't have a guarantee they won't rape someone given the chance as society treats that far less seriously than they should.

Appealing to emotion fallacy. Give my a reason that I shouldn't be allowed to say the word rape that doesn't include appealing to emotion.

 

[Helmholtz Watson]

Again, behaving like a considering, respectful adult is hardly an agenda.

Telling me how I have to behave on Xbox live because you don't like it and it goes against your ideas, is an agenda that I don't have to agree with or abide by.

EDIT:

If you don't care enough about trauma victims to do your part to make the community safer for them, and for everyone, then I'll thank you to at the very least not stand in the way of people who are trying.

I won't get in your way as long as you don't try to push your agenda on me

If by 'push agenda' you mean 'ask you not to use offensive language' then I make no promises.

Then I can't promise that I won't get in your way.