The R Word

[Iron Lightning]

Are you being deliberately obtuse? They are different reasons. Yes, both words are tactless to use, but trivialising rape has worse effects than trivialising murder. I am not saying that murder is an okay word to use, I am saying that rape is a worse word to use. And that focusing on the minor reasons (tactlessness) is silly an we should focus on the more severe reasons (like horrifying flashbacks).

The article says something similar, I have no idea what your issue with it is.

My issue is that if you say that words which may cause violent flashbacks are not okay to use then we would lose the use of words such as "murder," "kill," "rape," "stab," "dominate," "fuck," "eviscerate," "lacerate," "hit," "beat," etc. I don't like that idea.

 

[anthony87]

It's a tough one alright.

I mean sure, people online who use the world "rape" when describing how well they beat another player may be uncomfortable for someone who was actually raped but at the same time, those people don't know that anyone they're playing with was raped.

We can't go and get pissed off at people for not being sensitive to an issue that they aren't even aware exists. What's the solution to that? Nobody uses the word "rape" on the off chance that someone, somewhere might be offended?

 

[upgray3dd]

Thank you for doing this.

You're remarkably brave.

 

[itsthesheppy]

I'm confused, was the person writing a man or a woman? I read the word "raped" and I think the person writing this article is a women but then I read "girlfriend" and then I think it's a dude. (Oh wait, I caught on it's a dude).

Rape is bad and I will make sure not to rape people when I meet them; I understand that, it is common decency not to rape people just after shaking their hand. Here is my problem with rape is the major advertisement of "rape culture" (which is a silly pseudo word that can be used to deflate the argument of any opinion ie. "you are just a supporter of rape culture.") kills the meaning and significance of rape and rape accusations.

People are taking rape less seriously because apparently the more something happens the less significant is it, we didn't have all this nonsense about rape culture 10 or 20 years ago. There was no grey area with rape and it was all the more serious of a subject. I picture rape where a the victim is dragged off into an alley or bushes and violently violated and left to rot in a pool of filth.

I don't picture rape where a drunk women has a night full of sex in her bed with a guy and wakes up in the morning not remembering whether she consented.

Also there is people who lie about rape which hurts it much more. I suggest you read into a dude called Brian Banks for more on that subject.

I'm not really sure you quite get what rape culture is. For example, your example of what you consider rape (the alleyway example) represents a tiny minority of rape cases. The vast, vast majority of rapes are committed by people who know the victim, who either pressure, coerce, trick, or otherwise take advantage of the victim. It is almost never a case of a random assault.

Rape culture is one in which victims face accusation. Where women are told not to dress provocatively because it invites sexual assault. Where the default feeling seems to almost always be that the victim is lying to get attention (which happens in 3% of all cases). A culture where using the word "rape" as a jokey synonym for losing or defeating an opponent, where rape jokes are shared between friends in a casual atmosphere. Where the language of belittling and objectifying women is commonplace.

All of these are ingredients in the soup of rape culture. Ironically, the example you listed "not being rape" is far closer to how rapes are committed; intoxicated women (and men, on occasion) who are taken advantage of against their will. This is why the responsibility lies largely with men (as the far-and-away lead perpetrator in rape cases) to be responsible; to not see intoxicated women as potential targets, to accept "no" when it is said the first time, to discourage the use of rape jokes and chauvinistic language.

 

[upgray3dd]

It's a tough one alright.

I mean sure, people online who use the world "rape" when describing how well they beat another player may be uncomfortable for someone who was actually raped but at the same time, those people don't know that anyone they're playing with was raped.

We can't go and get pissed off at people for not being sensitive to an issue that they aren't even aware exists. What's the solution to that? Nobody uses the word "rape" on the off chance that someone, somewhere might be offended?

Yes. That is ABSOLUTELY the solution.


Isn't that what people normally do? Keep one set of jokes for close friends, keep in mind what acquaintances won't find funny, and be completely clean around random people?

 

[CosmicCommander]

I was deeply moved by this, truly.

When I finished reading and reflected, though, I thought of that legendary line from Shakespeare "What's in a name?" Sure, you touched on the point that the definition of words change over time, but the fact of the matter is is that the word "rape" isn't used in malice or cruelty or intentionally used to cause upset. The only reason it causes upset is that those who immediately correlate the word with their own horrific experiences -- like yourself. Indeed, I'd say that although some gamers could use some soap in their mouths, conflating words (abstract concepts, on their own) with experiences may very well lead to difficulty in any element of life.

Trivialising rape is bad, of course. But using the word rape in a completely different context as many gamers do shouldn't attract as much upset. I remember something Charlie Chaplain once said: "Laughter is the tonic, the relief, the surcease for pain." If we let concepts and ideas hurt us so, we truly give in to them. We must laugh at them, ultimately. In a sense, gamers have come to embody this; in the face of every atrocity and tragedy, the general reaction is to laugh at it in some new and creative way in defiance of sadness and shock.

My interpretation, anyway. I know, I'm a psuedo-intellectual fuck.

 

[CaptainKarma]

^^^^^ That may be all well and good, but, like reclaiming racial epithets, that is not your call to make

Are you being deliberately obtuse? They are different reasons. Yes, both words are tactless to use, but trivialising rape has worse effects than trivialising murder. I am not saying that murder is an okay word to use, I am saying that rape is a worse word to use. And that focusing on the minor reasons (tactlessness) is silly an we should focus on the more severe reasons (like horrifying flashbacks).

The article says something similar, I have no idea what your issue with it is.

My issue is that if you say that words which may cause violent flashbacks are not okay to use then we would lose the use of words such as "murder," "kill," "rape," "stab," "dominate," "fuck," "eviscerate," "lacerate," "hit," "beat," etc. I don't like that idea.

I wouldn't threaten to stab someone in jest if they'd been stabbed. I would do it to a friend who hadn't been stabbed, maybe wave a pen around like a knife and make comically exaggerated stabbing gestures. It's about context, knowing your audience, and the severity/liklihood of triggering them.

Edit: For the rape culture guy, check out http://oforganon.tumblr.com/post/11150747104/to-all-those-men-who-dont-think-the-rape-jokes-are-a it's just one example, but its pretty sharp.

 

[anthony87]

It's a tough one alright.

I mean sure, people online who use the world "rape" when describing how well they beat another player may be uncomfortable for someone who was actually raped but at the same time, those people don't know that anyone they're playing with was raped.

We can't go and get pissed off at people for not being sensitive to an issue that they aren't even aware exists. What's the solution to that? Nobody uses the word "rape" on the off chance that someone, somewhere might be offended?

Yes. That is ABSOLUTELY the solution.


Isn't that what people normally do? Keep one set of jokes for close friends, keep in mind what acquaintances won't find funny, and be completely clean around random people?

Well I can't speak for "people" but it's not what I do. I'll generally talk about anything unless I know that it's a sensitive issue for who I'm talking to and when I say that I literally mean the people I'm talking to. I'm not going to worry about the random strangers standing around me within earshot, the people who walk by me, the people who are in the queue in front of me or behind me and most certainly not the other people in an online game I'm playing.

 

[Iron Lightning]

Look, I'm happy you are feeling fine and fully healed from the trauma you experienced. that does not give you license to attack someone else because they are not handling it as well as you are. You need to understand that people handle things differently, and confronting them isn't doing them any favors. They need to heal at their own pace. You may think that you are giving them 'tough love' but all you're really doing is making their lives tougher.

You need to either let them heal as best they can, or ask how you can help. Simply barging in and shouting at them and calling them named and accusing them of cowardice only makes you out to be an unpleasant person who is best avoided.

Healing, you say. Mr. Anonymous here doesn't believe he can heal. He thinks he'll always be this way as evidenced by this paragraph:

The experience of being raped has touched every aspect of my life. People like Ron Rosenberg, the PR head for Tomb Raider, tend to talk about rape like it's some character-building challenge to overcome, a wound that heals into scar tissue, making you tougher. That's a fundamental misunderstanding. Rape isn't a scar, it's a limp -- you carry it with you as long as you're alive, and it makes life harder, not easier. Being raped does change you: it's more than non-consensual sex, it's psychic murder. The person you were beforehand ceases to exist and you can never, ever be them again.

Clearly, he does not think that he can heal. This means that, by his own admission, however he's been trying to heal has not worked at all. Considering that his method of healing is based on avoidance and repression, this is not surprising. People don't always know how to heal themselves perfectly. If they did then there would be no use for psychologists. Someone who doesn't think they can heal shouldn't be left to their own devices to heal because it won't work.

Also, I'm not doing anything that could be described as barging into Anonymous' room. All I'm doing is posting a comment on his thread that he probably won't even read. Also, sometimes you have to use slightly harsh language to get through to people.

Was I being rude? Yes, I certainly was. Sometimes that's the only way that works, though.

 

[Seraphimsword]

I've been reading articles and watching videos on the escapist for a long time. I've never registered because I never felt a desire to comment or anything. But now's a little different. What you wrote is really powerful and what it must have taken to write it... I know it had to be rough.

I went through a trauma that was very similar and very different when I was little. It was a family member. Someone I loved and respected at the time. And when it happened I didn't know what to do. Years and years went by and I never said anything. He passed away even and still I didn't speak up. I didn't want it to be real. I had this image of this person and everyone in my family adored him too, and then that happened and. I don't know. I couldn't break that image.

My fiance is a victim too. I never knew until I went to a family reunion with her and she saw one of her attackers making nice with the rest of the family. He said hi to her and gave her a hug. And then she apologized for not feeling too well and asked me to take her home. She was shaking the whole ride back. And then we shared these secrets we just couldn't tell anyone else.

But beyond the events I'm not sure the ripples really effected our lives. We continued as if nothing ever happened. In fact I saw Jimquisition earlier in the day and I actually couldn't see the big deal. I felt like, as someone who's been there and moved on, I could see something like rape in a game and not have it hurt me. My fiance and I have been talking about it since the tomb raider controversy started and we kind of thought it was silly. But then I read this article.

I think a thing like this, like anything really, can affect people in wildly different ways. My fiance has no problems with intimacy or lingering issues resulting from the attack. I too don't have them. It always felt to me like old wounds. I never felt psychically crippled. But what you said about triggers. That kind of scares me I guess. I haven't come by one, but she has a few times. For her it's people who resemble her attackers and this one kind of car. She's fine all the time, but then she see's something like that and it takes her back to that place for a stomach churning instant. I've never had to "relive" what happened to me. Even now I'm pretty cold and methodical about the whole thing. But the thought of having to revisit those old feelings, the sadness and betrayal, the guilt and the fear, the doubt. That bothers me and makes me uncomfortable even writing this.

I suppose I want to thank you? For opening my eyes at least. Maybe for me or her or a person who's never had to live through that a rape scene doesn't mean much. But if it could throw other people back into that place in their mind, that's terrible. And really I never considered it before reading this.

 

[hydroblitz]

I just want to say that I think the tomb raider issue is a tricky one that has been clarified by this article. I can't imagine how hard it was to write this, and I commend the author.

The way I see it, both arguments have merit. On one hand, They are trying to humanize a character who, before now, has been a sexualized cardboard cut out in terms of depth. This may not be the most elegant way to go about it, but I think they are going somewhat in the right direction, if they are careful about it. one way to humanize a character is to put them into human situations. If the scene shows how terrible the act is, it may re-sensitize people to it, make them understand what they couldn't without using the unique medium of games.

on the other hand, the automatic hardship for women should most certainly not be rape, especially considering that I'll bet that there are not any people making this game that can understand the experience. I'm glad that is the case, of course. I don't want anyone to go through what the author has described. But that also means they have no right to portray it. I read an article earlier that says writers should make a character, flesh them out, and give them personality, then make them female. because rape is not gender neutral, rape is not something that should be a challenge to get over, and it is not something that can be taken lightly.

I think the part of this article that hit me close to home was this "Imagine if someone captured your flag or dominated you in deathmatch, then rubbed in your face how your sister was killed by a drunk driver or your dad abandoned you when you were little. That's how close it cuts."

My cousin was killed in a car crash with an ambulance a few years ago. every time my aunt or uncle hears a siren, they begin shaking. I still get a pit in my stomach and a slight sick feeling every time I'm reminded about it.

I have used the term in online gaming. this has made me understand how that feels. I will never do so again. thank you author for making this clear to me. thank you for putting your vulnerability for the world to see. thank you, and I'm sorry.

 

[anthony87]

A terrible article with dangerous ramifications, and I demand an opportunity to provide a counterpoint even though I know I will not be allowed one.

....provide it here maybe?

 

[Raiha]

thank you for writing this.

 

[tklivory]

So, it's bad form to tell a person that they need to stop living in fear. It's bad form to tell a person that they need to get over being a victim.

It's bad form to assume that another person can do what you did. The nature of the crime perpetrated against you and against Anon are similar to each other in pain and circumstance, but there is a key difference: you are you, and Anon is Anon. Trying to say that another person, with a different mind, personality, and upbringing should be able to 'get over it' because *you* could is bad form. I would never assume that someone else can do what I did in my life, because no two people are exactly alike - even identical twins.

And whether or not you 'recover' is certainly *not* due to strength of character. I mentioned upthread that I've worked with torture victims, and the variety of long-term results and coping mechanisms is eye-opening, since they're not all what you'd expect. I've talked with Marines who cry every night for years because of what they went through, and 'normal', untrained civilians who, after a few months of 'dealing with it', picked themselves up and got on with their lives, like you did. One reaction does not, and should not, invalidate the other. Bootstrappiness shouldn't be applied to recovering from this level of trauma. Some people get over physical and sexual trauma better than others. I certainly recovered much easier from mine than a lot of people I've worked with.

In short: berating a victim for being a victim is kinda just... well, proving that you are so proud that you 'got over it' and were so driven to overcome the trauma (for which I applaud and congratulate you, by the way, with all sincerity - good for you!) that you lost a tiny bit of humanity along the way, for which I am sorry. Everyone is different in their skills, their tastes, their preference for ice cream flavor... so it seems a bit disingenuous to assume that everyone has the same capacity for dealing with these kind of horrible situations.

I'm truly glad you were able to move past what was done to you, but don't assume that compassion for another is an enabler of victimhood. The most abused person I know denies completely that they were ever a victim, accuses others of having the 'victim mentality'... and then blames all their shortcomings on others because it's never their fault. So, it can go both ways.

 

[itsthesheppy]

Look, I'm happy you are feeling fine and fully healed from the trauma you experienced. that does not give you license to attack someone else because they are not handling it as well as you are. You need to understand that people handle things differently, and confronting them isn't doing them any favors. They need to heal at their own pace. You may think that you are giving them 'tough love' but all you're really doing is making their lives tougher.

You need to either let them heal as best they can, or ask how you can help. Simply barging in and shouting at them and calling them named and accusing them of cowardice only makes you out to be an unpleasant person who is best avoided.

Healing, you say. Mr. Anonymous here doesn't believe he can heal. He thinks he'll always be this way as evidenced by this paragraph:

The experience of being raped has touched every aspect of my life. People like Ron Rosenberg, the PR head for Tomb Raider, tend to talk about rape like it's some character-building challenge to overcome, a wound that heals into scar tissue, making you tougher. That's a fundamental misunderstanding. Rape isn't a scar, it's a limp -- you carry it with you as long as you're alive, and it makes life harder, not easier. Being raped does change you: it's more than non-consensual sex, it's psychic murder. The person you were beforehand ceases to exist and you can never, ever be them again.

Clearly, he does not think that he can heal. This means that, by his own admission, however he's been trying to heal has not worked at all. Considering that his method of healing is based on avoidance and repression, this is not surprising. People don't always know how to heal themselves perfectly. If they did then there would be no use for psychologists. Someone who doesn't think they can heal shouldn't be left to their own devices to heal because it won't work.

Also, I'm not doing anything that could be described as barging into Anonymous' room. All I'm doing is posting a comment on his thread that he probably won't even read. Also, sometimes you have to use slightly harsh language to get through to people.

Was I being rude? Yes, I certainly was. Sometimes that's the only way that works, though.

I typed out a reply in which I decided to take your advice and I wrote out about two paragraphs of stuff I later read and deleted, because it made me sound like a total jerk. I will instead only say that whatever brand of therapy you are offering, I can't see anyone wanting. You're welcome to open your own "shout at trauma victims until they feel better, through magic" practice, and best of luck to you.

 

[Iron Lightning]

I wouldn't threaten to stab someone in jest if they'd been stabbed. I would do it to a friend who hadn't been stabbed, maybe wave a pen around like a knife and make comically exaggerated stabbing gestures. It's about context, knowing your audience, and the severity/liklihood of triggering them.

Exactly, my friend. Now, pray tell, in a situation where the audience is unknown (as in, say, a random session of Halo 3) is it alright to say "stab" despite not knowing if you'll trigger a harmful reaction or not?

 

[Blow_Pop]

The R Word

The rape discussion isn't part of a "feminist agenda."

Read Full Article

Dear gods thank you. I've written my own blog posts on my own actual rape experiences and I don't think it will hit people as much as this article will. Thank you for having the courage to write about WHY people don't like hearing that "they've been raped" or whatever. I've told a few of my friends that I've been raped once but I can't manage to tell two of my friends that one of their friends they hooked me up with raped me.

Edit:

An amazing article, and explanation of why words matter. I have been very uncomfortable with the terminology of BDSm for quite a while, words like rape play are bandied around with no understanding of what rape is. I wish everyone could read this article and understand more about the emotions survivors live with.

Not everyone who uses the term rape play falls under that umbrella. A lot of us who use that term understand the full meaning of it. I'm comfortable with it if the person understands what rape is.

 

[Grahav]

Certain personality types react differently to certain traumas in very different ways. The problem here is, no one can be expected to walk on eggshells around everybody because they *might* be victims of this or that abuse. Especially if they're unwilling to admit it.

It is a two-sided dilemma but I think both sides need to take responsibility. If someone says something that offends you it is, ostensibly your responsibility to inform them of your offense, then it is their prerogative whether or not they want to be sensitive to you and change their behavior or carry on as they normally would and ignore your offense, choosing freedom of speech over sensitivity.

The problem isn't the person who accidentally step on a few eggshells in ordinary conversation; it's the bulls in the china shop on Xbox Live, where the word has become a casual, everpresent sort of insult.

Not everyone recognizes a distinction between what we're allowed to say and what we ought to say, so freedom of speech is often held up as as justification for any dumbass to say any dumbass thing they want. While there's probably some personal bias here, I not convinced that John Locke and James Madison were advocating for the right of Ballzinya to call you gay because he can beat you at Counter-Strike. I could be wrong.

The exception I take with your quote is the whole "especially if they're unwilling to admit it." In fact, given that offending and injuring you is the whole point of this type of language, I'm not sure, "Please don't say that because I actually am/was ____" is a great starting point for increased tolerance in online gaming. I support the courage of those who do it, but I don't think failure to disclose personal traumas makes it okay for other players on the server to throw their own humanity out of the window.

Different people, different places, different things allowed.
Basically you don?t use the same kind of language in every social interaction. In my family, for example, my kind of speech is closer to my father?s than to my mother?s.
I guess what is happening is that the gaming and internet community is discussing and developing their own good manners and costumes.
My own rule in the internet is to behave like I am always meeting a new person. So the harsh jokes and language are saved for a moment where I got to know thm better.
Maybe the online guilds and clans should just post to anyone before entering the kind of language that is acceptable there. Going from the whole spectrum:

?Queen of England??4Chan?

It's not about offending, it's about hurting someone, on a very real level. What's more important to you - your use of the word, or not making someone relive trauma? What do you value more - saying "I raped you" on Xbox Live, or not giving someone nightmares?

That's what it comes down to, really. This isn't about someone's delicate sensibilities, this is about the fact that a single word can actually cause someone emotional and physical pain.

I would say that if hearing "I raped you" on Xbox live is too much for a person, then they shouldn't be on there to begin with because I can't imagine how a person would deal with killing virtual people in a game like COD or Halo.

EDIT:wow, its very nice to "meet" you! I didn't know that you guys actually read the forums.

And if murder or killing was something that the person in question had experienced personally, you might have a point. But you're comparing a virtual violent act with an actual trauma that someone went through - a comparison so off point that I'm forced to wonder if you're even trying to understand the core argument, or just brushing it off.

Agreed that they just entered a game where there's killing but not raping. But mind that people getting confused in why virtual killing is alright but virtual raping is not, is because the act of murder is viewed as also being an extreme act of cruelty in the same level of rape so they are weirded out by this.

After all, killing (justified or not) is also an assertion of power over someone. You deny the existence of a person not allowing her to have nothing anymore: love, hate, sex, stress, joy, sadness. You deny them even the right of complaining since the dead don't talk.