James Joseph Emerald said:
First off, I don't want to make this thread about me, but I feel I should give context to my viewpoint by explaining two things about me...
Fair enough, please continue.
Firstly, I'm quite reclusive. It's previously been the source of much embarrassment and self-loathing because almost everyone puts pressure on me to "come out of my shell" (especially in Ireland, where being reclusive is so unheard-of people treat it like being a heroin addict or something), but in the last few years I've come to the realisation (after trying to force myself to be more sociable and failing on many occasions), that being reclusive is an integral part of who I am. In fact, I've decided to be proud of the fact that I'm secure in myself enough to enjoy my own company, and I think it's kind of pitiable when people need to spend every waking moment with another person because they're too dull or afraid to be alone with themselves.
Ok, you started off in a way I could empathise with (I'm something of a recluse myself, I'm not really a people person) but then you kinda lost me a bit when you went down the 'I think it's quite pitiful when people need to spend time with others' path at the end there.
I too have gotten a lot of flak (especially from my family) for not being very outgoing and being content to spend most days at home playing games, watching movies, reading and doing other solitary activities (although admitantly I do spend every oppertunity I can talking to my wonderful girlfriend) and I came to a realisation (much like yourself) that ultimately no-one has any real right to tell anyone else what is or isn't a worthy use of their time (as long as you're happy with what you do and no-one is harmed in the process then that's all that matters), so while I became content in the knowledge that there was nothing wrong with my introversion I fundamentally disagree with your sentiment that being outgoing and social makes one pitiful (or that the reasons for doing so are because they're boring or afraid of isolation).
To be fair, by saying that you're being as bad as the people who put pressure on you to 'come out of your shell' (it could be argued that it's pitiful that you feel compelled to avoid people whenever possible because you're too afraid or dull to talk to people?).
Secondly, contrary to what you might be thinking, girls often come on to me. I went through a bit of an ugly phase in secondary school, so I know what it's like to be invisible to women. But it built character, and now the compensatory charm and humility that came with being unattractive works to magnify my current handsomeness. Plus there's about a dozen other ways in which I'm awesome (my sense of modesty still needs work though). It's funny how much nicer women are to me now that I'm one of the hot guys, though. They're just as bad as men when it comes to thinking with their reproductive organs, really.
Yeah, men and women aren't all that different really (it's just the expectations surrounding them have have a few glaring differences in my experience) and being handsome (or beautiful in the case of women) does tend to give you a bit of an upperhand when it comes to dealing with other people (I'd agree with you on the point of humility however, I'm not a bad looking fellow but I still wouldn't go so far as to say that I'm handsome and awesome without some qualification behind it, hell, I'd probably be the first to try and say I
don't fit those descriptions).
Anyway, I don't really understand what the point of being in a relationship is, at least at my stage in life (21-year-old college student). I love that feeling, when everything you're supposed to do is done, and you have a whole day to spend on yourself, doing whatever you want. I tend to begrudge anything or anyone that tries to take it away from me. And I especially resent it when people feel entitled to my free time. Of the few relationships I've started, they inevitably end because the girl wants to waste an entire day "just hanging out", and either I refuse and she gets pissed off, or I relent and end up thinking of her as a chore. Are all relationships like that? Am I just being uncompromising?
My vote on your little conundrum there would be the 'uncompromising' one (no offence intended). If you found that taking some time out to be with your girlfriend was a 'chore' to you then I'm guessing that you two probably shouldn't have been together in the firt place. Like I said previously, I spend as much time talking to my girlfriend as possible and I don't feel that any of it is a chore or cuts into my free time, I enjoy talking to her and I look foward to every oppertunity I get to hear her voice or see her, even if this means staying up all night and sleeping during the day (she lives in a different country so obviously I don't get to see her much at all, as you can guess this means I place a very high value on what interaction I get with her at all, trust me when I say that if I was asked by her to just spend the day hanging out I wouldn't pass on the oppertunity for any reason).
Based on how you consider spending time with others (especially your girlfriend) to be a 'waste of your time' or as someone 'trying to take your free-time and freedom away from you' I'm beginning to believe that you might be a tad more misanthroptic than simply introverted (and this is coming from someone who's extremely anti-social).
A lot of my friends are starting to get girlfriends/boyfriends, and when I ask them why, they say things such as "for the sex" or "it's like having a friend you can screw" or "it's so nice to have someone to cuddle and get affection from" or "someone to pick you up when you're feeling down" (here's a fun game: guess the genders of the speakers!). But I don't really feel the need for any of that. And I have a suspicion that's the key word: need. I have a theory that all relationships (romantic or otherwise) are formed on the basis of mutual need. And, being content on my own, I don't really feel the need for a girlfriend. But maybe that's just me rationalising my own failure to commit (as a pop psych women's mag dating columnist might say).
Sex, companionship, cuddling and emotional support are just some of the many reasons that people value and appreciate their relationships. Everyone has their own reasons for why they want to be with their partner, it doesn't always boil down to the raw urge to fuck each other's brains out or to have a giggle fest over movies, hell, some people don't even have a clear or easy to explain reason, they just love each other without anything in the way of a rational reason or common ground. Most relationships do result in both people getting something out of it (you both get attention, affection, the obvious physical of sex, cuddling and kisses, someone you can confide in and seek support from when things aren't going so well, someone to share your passions and interests with or even just someone who'll take the time to listen to you and understand you) but this doesn't nessercarily mean that the people involved are all needy and insecure in themselves.
There are people out there who do have a psychological need to qualify their existance through other people but that tends to not be very common and in my experience and research stems most often from cases of neglect and abuse, in which case it's hard to blame them for lacking any self worth.
What do you think? What's the point of being in a relationship? What do you gain out of it (or hope to gain out of it, if you're not in one)? And what do you lose out of it? Is it worth it?
I'd definately say it's worth it and that if you're happy with the person you're with then the benefits heavily outweigh the problems (consider how this is coming from someone in a long distance relationship, one of the hardest to maintain types of relationship out there).
However, not all people do need or want a relationship (again, you should only enter one because you feel an emotional and romantic attachment to a particular person, not just because everyone else is doing it) and there is nothing wrong with people who prefer to be on their own, it's just another choice among all the valid options out there.
