What's wrong with cheating?

[AkaDad]

Let me answer your question with a question.

How would you like it if the person you loved cheated on you?

 

[Silverslith]

NOTE: I AM IN NO WAY CONDONING ADULTERY; but I do wonder why exactly having an affair merits the overwhelming negative response it gets?

I have to assume you are trolling.

Really?

It's a philosophical question. What would make you assume they are trolling?

There is a disproportionate amount of disgust towards adulterers compared to the actual practical damage caused by their actions. It is reasonable to inquire to multiple people on a forum as to why they think that is.

There are philosophical questions, and there are questions with blatantly apparent answers. There isn't much philosophy needed here. Its more of an, "I'm bored and I want to create a contentious topic" thread.

 

[Flunk]

You're violating the trust in the relationship. Without trust you really don't have anything.

That's pretty fundamental.

 

[Mossberg Shotty]

NOTE: I AM IN NO WAY CONDONING ADULTERY; but I do wonder why exactly having an affair merits the overwhelming negative response it gets?

The words of someone who has never been cheated on, I'm guessing.

Snip

I'm having a hard time following your logic. You think the worst thing about cheating is that it puts your partner at "risk"? If someone is willing to cheat, then it's pretty clear that they don't give a shit what kind of risk it puts them in, or any other negative consequences they're gonna suffer. By 'risk' I assume you're referring to STDs, or something of the like?

The bottom line is that it's a terrible betrayal, and it can leave someone feeling inadequate, dejected, jealous, and in a great amount of emotional distress. But I guess not everyone approaches a relationship with your cold detachment, since that kinda defeats the point.

Also, in every case I've seen relationships involving more than two people always end in ruin, and are usually only pursued by hedonists in the first place.

 

[Oly J]

upon reading the title of this thread I thought "if you honestly need to ask that question, then there is no point in answering" but upon reading your post I have another response...you actually wonder why it gets a negative response? question: how old are you? have you ever been in a serious relationship? since you're asking the question I'm inclined to assume the answer to that is no, or if you were, you were the one taking it the least seriously

 

[Lilani]

NOTE: I AM IN NO WAY CONDONING ADULTERY; but I do wonder why exactly having an affair merits the overwhelming negative response it gets?

Avoiding the temptation to call troll on this topic, I imagine it's the same reason people who break promises get negative responses. You made a promise to someone, told them they were exclusively special to you, and then went and gave that exclusivity to someone else.

Like, imagine if you're at a party and a friend says "Hey, I'm going to toilet, hold my beer for a minute." And while your friend is away, you give that beer to someone else. That friend trusted you with their beer, and you deliberately handed it off to someone else. That makes you a dick. And so does cheating.

It's that breach in trust that really makes it a problem. If both parties agree to have an open or polyamorous relationship, then that's fine. Some people still have a problem with that because they think the only way to have fidelity is monogamy, but as long as all who are involved consent that's simply untrue. If a guy and three women agree to be in a relationship together, then that's fine. Everybody's happy, everything is in the clear, nobody is being dishonest. Now, if a guy has three separate relationships with women and all of them are under the impression they are in a monogamous relationship? That's a problem.

 

[Lil devils x_v1legacy]

NOTE: I AM IN NO WAY CONDONING ADULTERY; but I do wonder why exactly having an affair merits the overwhelming negative response it gets?

The words of someone who has never been cheated on, I'm guessing.

Snip

I'm having a hard time following your logic. You think the worst thing about cheating is that it puts your partner at "risk"? If someone is willing to cheat, then it's pretty clear that they don't give a shit what kind of risk it puts them in, or any other negative consequences they're gonna suffer. By 'risk' I assume you're referring to STDs, or something of the like?

The bottom line is that it's a terrible betrayal, and it can leave someone feeling inadequate, dejected, jealous, and in a great amount of emotional distress. But I guess not everyone approaches a relationship with your cold detachment, since that kinda defeats the point.

Also, in every case I've seen relationships involving more than two people always end in ruin, and are usually only pursued by hedonists in the first place.

I think you misunderstood. I listed dishonesty before the health risks, because I feel the dishonesty is the primary issue. The dishonesty also leads to exposing multiple people to the health risks as well. I do place a great emphasis on the health risks, because that is my field. Although I ultimately chose to go into Pediatric Medicine, I interned at a STD clinic as well, and have seen the direct impact that this has on many lives. I could not even begin to tell you the number of times I have heard "but I have only been with my partner/ boyfriend/ husband" and then when you get their partner in there, you find out they have 50 people that must be legally contacted to inform them that they have been exposed to Hepatitis C or HIV and need to be tested.

I may come across as being "detached" or "cold" due to my training and choice of career. However, that was not my intention.

From my understanding on consenting multiple partner relationships, it completely depends on the persons/ society/ culture involved, as for some cultures this is considered normal and often the relationships lasted a lifetime. That is more of a cultural issue, and what is and is not expected from relationships.

 

[Olas]

Isn't cheating like... inherently breaking a promise to someone? You're going behind your partner's back to do something they wouldn't tolerate if they knew about it. How could that ever not be a bad thing?

I guess if you and your partner establish that you're okay with each other having sex with other people then it's not so bad, but then it's not really cheating anymore is it?

The term "cheating" almost universally implies breaking an oath or set of agreed upon rules, cheating on a diet, cheating on a test, cheating in a videogame, cheating on a partner, cheating on your taxes. Cheating, regardless of context, is basically wrong by definition.

You might as well ask why lying is wrong.

 

[thiosk]

I think what the OP is getting at here is more what happens to public officials, for example, when they are outed as cheaters.

If it breaks up the marriage and one party has had it, fine.

Should people lose their job over it? Not if they didn't abuse their power to have the affair in the first place.

 

[Zeldias]

Way I figure, if you're gonna kill a person, you might as well hide the body. So cheat if you're gonna, but do it in a smart, orderly way that won't risk anyone's health/get folks pregnant if that's a potential thing/invite emotion into a thing that is probably just a temporary physical thing.

I think cheating in general is kind of silly. I mean, I can understand if it's something like you've wanted this person for a long time, you're not married, and both of you just wanna take a ride due to mutual appreciation and attraction. What I've never gotten is flirting with other folks, starting other romantic relationships, and things of that nature. If you're with someone, I presume you like them enough to wanna be exclusive romantically; if that's not the case, why date them? Sounds like a case of indecisiveness or something.

So yeah, I say, if you're gonna step out, do it in a way that's not gonna screw your life over, get it done once or twice to make sure you enjoy it, then just never reveal it and get over the physical desire (or take pictures/record a movie so you can relive it without having to have sex with the person). But if you're getting all emotionally involved with another person, it's time to consider what the prior relationship means to you and whether you break up with someone or just be alone.

All this is assuming an unmarried (marriage in the sense of rituals, so if there's exchanging of tokens, vows of everlasting love, and a name change, you're married enough for me(that or you just cohabitate for long enough for me to think of it as common law)) couple. This is definitely due to my heternormative background, and I understand that marriage (and most of the Western world's concept of relationships) is predicated on some pretty silly shit, but I feel like if you're gonna sit down and go through the whole ritualized rigmarole of it all, you might as well honor it. Otherwise, what was the point of the bullshit in the first place?

Dating, though? You're supposed to be confused and question and maybe sample some things, I figure. Otherwise, what's the point of the concept of marriage other than all the legal stuff? Love a (wo)man, grab some butts, bite some necks, avoid hickies, and don't catch an STI.

EDITED TO ADD://

If we're talking about public officials, as long as the person caught can do her or his job well, I don't care about romantic infidelities.

 

[Abomination]

NOTE: I AM IN NO WAY CONDONING ADULTERY; but I do wonder why exactly having an affair merits the overwhelming negative response it gets?

I have to assume you are trolling.

Really?

It's a philosophical question. What would make you assume they are trolling?

There is a disproportionate amount of disgust towards adulterers compared to the actual practical damage caused by their actions. It is reasonable to inquire to multiple people on a forum as to why they think that is.

Because its obvious, that's why I would assume. People don't like cheating because its betraying the trust of someone you supposedly love, which is a shitty thing to do. It'd be fine if both partners agreed to sleep with other people, but you know, that's not sleeping, that's poly.

See, you mentioned "someone you supposedly love" but not all relationships that you can cheat with need involve love. There's an incredible range of damage one can cause when they cheat - it could be just going out on a first date with one girl and on another day going on a first date with another. The first girl could perceive it as cheating and it essentially is. Then it could be a matter of infidelity with your secretary and your wife at home with the 3 kids that has been entirely dependant on you financially is harmed by it.

Of course the situation isn't always cut and dry, and I hate to place a blanket level of condemnation over cheating because in reality the variation of circumstance can be massive.

There are philosophical questions, and there are questions with blatantly apparent answers. There isn't much philosophy needed here. Its more of an, "I'm bored and I want to create a contentious topic" thread.

I feel the topic is very phlosophical and the reasons aren't always as cut and dry as "betrayal of trust" as relationships can be incredibly varied yet the "crime" of cheating on someone typically has a much smaller amount of potential variations.

The "disproportionate amount of disguts" derives from the fact that you are betraying the person who should mean the most to you, and who probably trusts you above all else.

How is this even a question?

The problem here is you are under the impression that a romantic interest is supposed to be the "person who should mean the most to you" and that simply is not the case with all romantic relationships.

Certainly there are some cases where it is a serious betrayal of trust but there are also many cases where it is not so extreme.

 

[Robot Number V]

...emotional cheating) as "not really counting"...

You can't control your mind, it does what it does you can however control your body, so being attracted to others or falling in love with someone else is not something you can really stop, as long as it stops there though.

I think your confusing emotional cheating with lusting after someone.

Cheating on an emotional level is developing with an emotionally intimate relationship that has yet to turn physical.

Eh...Not sure I buy that. As far as I'm concerned, it's not cheating until totally quantifiable actions have been taken, i.e., not until the relationship becomes physical. Otherwise, defining what does or doesn't qualify as "emotionally intimate" becomes all murky and subjective. Although I suppose I would count PLANS for future cheating as quantifiable actions, so if that's the kind of thing you're talking about, then I guess we're on the same page and you should ignore this.

Anyway, OP....Seriously? Do I really need someone to explain to you why lying is a bad thing? How about you tell us how cheating ISN'T wrong first, then we can talk.

 

[Abomination]

I think what the OP is getting at here is more what happens to public officials, for example, when they are outed as cheaters.

If it breaks up the marriage and one party has had it, fine.

Should people lose their job over it? Not if they didn't abuse their power to have the affair in the first place.

I would think they don't need to cheat to lose thier job in your final example. Abusing one's power to pursue a romantic interest should be grounds for termination due to the words "abuse their power".

Sure, they could "abuse their power" to save starving children or such but to do it for a personal gain thing... who cares if it was to cheat or even start dating.

 

[Snotnarok]

Well it's a bit difficult to justify smacking a Game Genie around your significant other hoping to find where to plug it in.

OT: Well if you enjoy quick fun that can often backfire in the other feeling betrayed, miserable and others losing trust in you that's good and worth the risk right?

 

[Caiphus]

Might have been useful if the OP had clarified his question beyond the one sentence in his post.

What overwhelming negative response are we talking about? Getting served with divorce papers? Getting dumped? My friends have cheated on their girlfriends before, and I might have given them a verbal slap on the wrist, but that's about it, so the peer pressure isn't overwhelming.

EDIT:

Well it's a bit difficult to justify smacking a Game Genie around your significant other hoping to find where to plug it in.

Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.

 

[game-lover]

Might have been useful if the OP had clarified his question beyond the one sentence in his post.

What overwhelming negative response are we talking about? Getting served with divorce papers? Getting dumped? My friends have cheated on their girlfriends before, and I might have given them a verbal slap on the wrist, but that's about it, so the peer pressure isn't overwhelming.

Are you talking in general or just specifically with you?

Because if you mean the former, I can confidently say other people have severed many a friendship over this type of situation.

For a variety of reasons: One knows friend is cheating and outs friend so said friend gets pissed. Or doesn't out them but they clash because of huge judgements all around. Or ends friendship as soon as it's figured out because they know consider cheating friend toxic to be near.

I don't know anyone who has cheated. But I'm pretty damn sure we wouldn't be friends anymore if I knew what they were up to. Not unless things changed.

 

[Caiphus]

Might have been useful if the OP had clarified his question beyond the one sentence in his post.

What overwhelming negative response are we talking about? Getting served with divorce papers? Getting dumped? My friends have cheated on their girlfriends before, and I might have given them a verbal slap on the wrist, but that's about it, so the peer pressure isn't overwhelming.

Are you talking in general or just specifically with you?

Because if you mean the former, I can confidently say other people have severed many a friendship over this type of situation.

For a variety of reasons: One knows friend is cheating and outs friend so said friend gets pissed. Or doesn't out them but they clash because of huge judgements all around. Or ends friendship as soon as it's figured out because they know consider cheating friend toxic to be near.

I don't know anyone who has cheated. But I'm pretty damn sure we wouldn't be friends anymore if I knew what they were up to. Not unless things changed.

I'm talking about my experience purely. I have a friend right now that is actively trying to drive a couple apart so he can get his end wet. I'm not too happy about it, but I don't think it's my lookout. It doesn't help our friendship, but it won't ruin it.

 

[ShiningAmber]

I was cheated on by my ex twice.

It really hurts. It makes you feel inadequate. Especially when you're the one trying to hold everything together and fix it. It's wrong. You're essentially lying and betraying a person when you're not telling them.

It took me the longest time to get over it. I felt like it was me, when really it was him. I did everything I could. I needed to know that, but wish I didn't have to take such a painful road.

Though, I thank him now for what he did ) I got the motivation to work out and channel that anger and sadness into something worthwhile. I got toned and fit and my abs are starting to show as of the past week.

Needless to say, he tried calling back and guilt tripping me.

Don't cheat. If you think you will, break up with the person you're with beforehand. They don't deserve it. It's a god awful feeling of betrayal.