What's wrong with cheating?

[Lightknight]

If there was nothing wrong with it, then it wouldn't be called cheating.

Other than that, it's the emotional betrayal of knowing that your partner went elsewhere to get something they weren't getting from you. And ultimately that they felt they should do this behind your back, without discussing a problem in the relationship that you previously assumed to be working out fine. There are many layers of hurt when you have been cheated on, from the betrayal and rage to guilt, assuming that you have somehow forced your partner to clandestinely go and seek sex/affection/attention from somewhere else.

If there is an agreement where one partner goes to have sex with someone else for whatever reason, then it is an agreement and no longer cheating.

Precisely, the discussion might as well be why it's wrong to lie and break promises when the result is often devestating to the other person.

 

[Fifty-One]

I find that cheating shows that a person is weak and selfish. That they can't be trusted and that they don't respect their partner. That they will take the easy road and are not reliable.

Can their word really be trusted? Will they respect their next partner? Will they break when the next temptation comes around? Will everything always be about them?

Cheating is easy. Fixing and maintaining a relationship or recognizing that a relationship is beyond repair is difficult.

 

[rasputin0009]

I view it as straight up dishonesty and breaking trust. I would never cheat on a girl in a closed relationship and I expect to not be cheated on, either. I rather have someone break up with me first if they found someone else. If a girlfriend did have a moment of weakness with someone else, and it could be hidden from me forever, I rather have her not tell me because that would just be her sharing her own guilt with me. What I don't know doesn't hurt me.

If it's a clearly open relationship, then it's not cheating. I'm fine with open relationships as long as there's communication there. I don't want to find out that they want an open relationship while they're sucking some other guy off, if you get my drift.

In my relationships so far, I have never been cheated on. I have also never cheated. I have had a closed relationship turn into an open one, which was fun. Didn't last very long because we both found other people who wanted closed relationships and we chose to stop seeing each other. We're still friends, though.

 

[NightmareExpress]

Maybe it's the selfish person in me talking, but I hate the risk it puts me at.
In the hypothetical situation where I found out who it was, I may break up with her but I'd be sure to find the infected individual and torch them. Infected scum.

Though then I'd have to do some self-immolation right after as to not be a hypocrite...

But anyway, it depends on the deal the two make with one another.
If they wish to pursue a traditional, monogamous, relationship then it would be a massive breach of trust, an act of betrayal and some other negative adjectives that pertain to the cheating individual's psyche. Weak minded, weak willed, dishonest, delusional, pathetic and untrustworthy all seem particularly fitting. If the two agree to an open relationship of some sort, then it would be kind of weird to declare it "cheating" as both parties have consented to pursuing romance with others in addition to themselves.

But seriously, getting back to the hypothetical bit...
You would burn, nicely, to a crisp.

 

[loc978]

I find this thread hilarious. The co-dependent crowd always comes out of the woodwork to tell people how love feels and assume everyone gets the same thing out of it.

As one who has been cheated on, and didn't mind too much at the time (I just insisted we both get tested. We did, nothing came of it)... now I just regret that she did so much damage to her own self-esteem in doing so. In hindsight, I should have been a little less calm and a bit more comforting... for her sake.

I have to say that it's only bad for one who is invested in their monogamy to a downright unhealthy degree. Co-dependence, in short (not that there's anything horribly wrong with having that particular disorder, it's just wrong to assume everyone does). I've never cheated, but that's just because I live by a very old fashioned "my word is my bond" take on honesty.

So, the only problems I have with cheating are the STD risk and the breach of honesty. Both are things that can be discussed with civility and without a hint of rancor, if you're emotionally stable (which is not a state our culture does much to encourage).

 

[Caiphus]

but that's about it, so the peer pressure isn't overwhelming.

Perhaps it should be, considering the person cheating is a pathological liar, manipulator and slut. Other than the relationship they obviously didn't value enough ending or not, there are very little consequences for someone committing what I deem one of the most disgusting acts a person can undertake.

The people affected by it will be insecure and vulnerable for quite a while. When it happened to me I was angry a lot and the mention or appearance of the other guy will still bring up resentful emotions. All sorts of thoughts go through your head, where you have gone wrong or what you should have done, while in a lot of cases the victimized party hasn't transgressed at all. It's a sick, crippling ailment that you bestow upon your supposed loved one.


I would scold my friends if they did such things and probably question their every move for quite some time.

lol, the captcha said 'broken heart'. Sounds about right.

Perhaps. I, frankly, don't have enough friends that I can cut them loose for doing stupid things, even if they are reckless with other people's emotions. Domestic violence? Absolutely, I'd get rid of them in a heartbeat. Because that goes beyond careless and reckless into evil territory. But cheating is sometimes more complicated than it appears, so I'm not going to make it a rule of mine to get rid of a friend if they fuck up.

But if your moral code calls for a different reaction, go for it. I've been cheated on, and it sucks, but that's just how I feel about it.

 

[Abomination]

Might have been useful if the OP had clarified his question beyond the one sentence in his post.

What overwhelming negative response are we talking about? Getting served with divorce papers? Getting dumped? My friends have cheated on their girlfriends before, and I might have given them a verbal slap on the wrist, but that's about it, so the peer pressure isn't overwhelming.

Are you talking in general or just specifically with you?

Because if you mean the former, I can confidently say other people have severed many a friendship over this type of situation.

For a variety of reasons: One knows friend is cheating and outs friend so said friend gets pissed. Or doesn't out them but they clash because of huge judgements all around. Or ends friendship as soon as it's figured out because they know consider cheating friend toxic to be near.

I don't know anyone who has cheated. But I'm pretty damn sure we wouldn't be friends anymore if I knew what they were up to. Not unless things changed.

I'm talking about my experience purely. I have a friend right now that is actively trying to drive a couple apart so he can get his end wet. I'm not too happy about it, but I don't think it's my lookout. It doesn't help our friendship, but it won't ruin it.

Do not forget that some people have the mindset that if a guy cheats on a girl in a relationship she has some moral "right" to destroy his property or spread the news of his infidelity around his workplace in an attempt to ruin him professional career.

Some people consider it to be a terrible thing to do... I think it's just a thing that can be done and the practical damage that occurs from it should be proportionate to how much scorn the individual is deserving of.

Sure she has a right to spread the word he's an ass. Since when should he expect that no one dares to tell the truth about him? She certainly doesn't owe it to him to keep it secret.

What she is essentially doing is forcing his personal life into his commercial life against his wishes. The situation surrounding why the individual was driven to cheat is completely ignored because "he's an ass".

Of course the irony of the situation is that when a woman does something like that more and more people are starting to think "No wonder he cheated on you".

 

[ItsNotRudy]

But cheating is sometimes more complicated than it appears, so I'm not going to make it a rule of mine to get rid of a friend if they fuck up.

Unless it's a drunk accident kinda thing, anyone committing it is fully aware of what they're doing and should just break it off with whomever they are seeing. I've had my share of relationships and temptation has come around, but I either broke it off if I felt I didn't love my current girlfriend enough or made sure there was no temptation anymore.

 

[Vegosiux]

I personally despise it because it's selfish and disloyal.

Just break it off with your partner and go from there.

This.
In this day and age, with e-mail, texting, voicemail and the like. There is literally no excuse for cheating. If you can't take 10 seconds to type out a text to your significant other saying that it's over, then you are either a fundamentally bad person or a fundamentally weak person.

I suppose if one is polyamorous none of this is an issue.

Uhm, breaking it off over a text that took you 10 seconds sounds kinda assholeish as well. If you can't bear to do it face to face, at least call them, come on.

 

[Abomination]

What she is essentially doing is forcing his personal life into his commercial life against his wishes. The situation surrounding why the individual was driven to cheat is completely ignored because "he's an ass".

And why do his wishes matter there?

And that is the mindset I can not abide here. His relationship is over yet there seems to be some idea that the one who was cheated on is entitled to also attempt to ruin his professional career? I understand there's likely an emotional hurt going on but how are the two situations related? If he doesn't share a workspace with her how is spreading such information helping anyone?

He has no right to such a separation.

Legally, you are right, of course. One would hope people consider how the two situations are entirely unrelated.

And 'driven' to cheat? Unless there's some kind of abusive relationship going on, no excuse. People are responsible for their choices, don't give some lame excuse of 'driven'. Cheating is not some kind of solution to a dire problem, it makes no sense to claim they would be 'driven' to it. All it gives is sex. Sex is not an answer to any kind of terrible situation.

Desire for sex is not the only reason why people cheat. Relationships are far more complex than someone wanting to get off with a different person, there are usually far more underlying issues than just that. It might not be abuse, but it can be neglect.

Of course the irony of the situation is that when a woman does something like that more and more people are starting to think "No wonder he cheated on you".

And some people think Obama is Muslim. Plenty of people have plenty of beliefs that make no sense.

If someone reacts in such a manner about a situation completely unrelated because they were hurt emotionally then it's generally perceived the individual does such things on other occasions to similar slights. It actually makes perfect sense to judge someone as irrational when your only experience with them is watching them behave irrationally.

 

[Lil devils x_v1legacy]

What she is essentially doing is forcing his personal life into his commercial life against his wishes. The situation surrounding why the individual was driven to cheat is completely ignored because "he's an ass".

And why do his wishes matter there?

And that is the mindset I can not abide here. His relationship is over yet there seems to be some idea that the one who was cheated on is entitled to also attempt to ruin his professional career? I understand there's likely an emotional hurt going on but how are the two situations related? If he doesn't share a workspace with her how is spreading such information helping anyone?

He has no right to such a separation.

Legally, you are right, of course. One would hope people consider how the two situations are entirely unrelated.

And 'driven' to cheat? Unless there's some kind of abusive relationship going on, no excuse. People are responsible for their choices, don't give some lame excuse of 'driven'. Cheating is not some kind of solution to a dire problem, it makes no sense to claim they would be 'driven' to it. All it gives is sex. Sex is not an answer to any kind of terrible situation.

Desire for sex is not the only reason why people cheat. Relationships are far more complex than someone wanting to get off with a different person, there are usually far more underlying issues than just that. It might not be abuse, but it can be neglect.

Of course the irony of the situation is that when a woman does something like that more and more people are starting to think "No wonder he cheated on you".

And some people think Obama is Muslim. Plenty of people have plenty of beliefs that make no sense.

If someone reacts in such a manner about a situation completely unrelated because they were hurt emotionally then it's generally perceived the individual does such things on other occasions to similar slights. It actually makes perfect sense to judge someone as irrational when your only experience with them is watching them behave irrationally.

In this day and age of universities and employers scouring facebook and other social media sites to turn up dirt on their prospects and also use that data to determine whether or not they will accept them, the idea of " business and pleasure" being separate no longer really exists. If an employer or university considers " character and ethics" to be of importance in their decision, their personal character is just as valid as their professional one.

 

[Abomination]

In this day and age of universities and employers scouring facebook and other social media sites to turn up dirt on their prospects and also use that data to determine whether or not they will accept them, the idea of " business and pleasure" being separate no longer really exists. If an employer or university considers " character and ethics" to be of importance in their decision, their personal character is just as valid as their professional one.

And the practice of doing so seriously needs to be nipped in the bud. Hiring people on such moral standards about such personal matters is seriously blurring the line between professional and personal lives. We work to live, we do not live to work. Our profession should support our personal life, our personal life shouldn't be required to support our profession.

If an employer doesn't give a shit my son is sick and still wants me to show up for work then they better damn well not give a shit if I have a new romantic interest in my life.

 

[Caiphus]

Unless it's a drunk accident kinda thing, anyone committing it is fully aware of what they're doing and should just break it off with whomever they are seeing. I've had my share of relationships and temptation has come around, but I either broke it off if I felt I didn't love my current girlfriend enough or made sure there was no temptation anymore.

Well yeah, of course. Having an affair is never the best solution to anything. By all means, it would be an ideal world if cheating just never happened. But it does, and your reaction, as an unrelated third party, will differ. Mine is that it's a nasty thing to do, but as the guilty party's friend I'm not going to hang it over their head forever. I might be stern with them about it, but that's probably it. Your reaction is that you would see it as an indication that your friend plays fast and loose with people's feelings, and shouldn't be trusted. I get that, and it's understandable.

You might have different life experience too. My perception of cheating would almost definitely change if a wife and kids were involved. But I'm only 20, so that hasn't been an issue as of yet. Most teenage relationships are kind of shitty anyway.

 

[rasputin0009]

Hiring people on such moral standards about such personal matters is seriously blurring the line between professional and personal lives. We work to live, we do not live to work. Our profession should support our personal life, our personal life shouldn't be required to support our profession.

I entirely disagree. If a potential employee isn't trustworthy enough, then I will not hire them. What better way to judge a person's character than proof of their personal lives?

Yes, I think we live to work. Nothing defines you better than what you do, and what you do includes your professional lives at work. To separate both your personal and professional lives is to separate yourself.

 

[Abomination]

Hiring people on such moral standards about such personal matters is seriously blurring the line between professional and personal lives. We work to live, we do not live to work. Our profession should support our personal life, our personal life shouldn't be required to support our profession.

I entirely disagree. If a potential employee isn't trustworthy enough, then I will not hire them. What better way to judge a person's character than proof of their personal lives?

Yes, I think we live to work. Nothing defines you better than what you do, and what you do includes your professional lives at work. To separate both your personal and professional lives is to separate yourself.

The best way to judge a person's professional character is proof from one of their previous professional situations - references. How a person behaves at home isn't the same as they behave at work - I would even call it unhealthy.

As for living to work? I can see that being the case if someone is lucky enough to have their dream job but that is seldom the case. Telling someone they live to work in a job they dislike - especially in this economy - is not going to do them any emotional favors. No, I work to live my life, to afford to do the things I want to do. I am defined by who I am, not what I do to be who I am.

 

[Childe]

To me at any rate cheating is pretty much the ultimate act of a coward. You cheat because you are no longer happy in your relationship but instead of having the balls to break it off you try and have your cake and eat it too. What i think gives cheating such a bad rap is that it has always been historically looked down upon and we havn't changed from that. Not that I think we should.

 

[Vegosiux]

I entirely disagree. If a potential employee isn't trustworthy enough, then I will not hire them. What better way to judge a person's character than proof of their personal lives?

If an employer has to look into your personal life to know whether or not you're likely to leave them for a better job offer if one turns up...

Because I can't think of any other equivalents for cheating. "Not trustworthy"? It's quite a leap of logic to assume one's a troublemaker who will harm your business because they cheated on their spouse that one time.

Luckily, a person's entire character is rarely defined by one individual action.

 

[Stasisesque]

Hiring people on such moral standards about such personal matters is seriously blurring the line between professional and personal lives. We work to live, we do not live to work. Our profession should support our personal life, our personal life shouldn't be required to support our profession.

I entirely disagree. If a potential employee isn't trustworthy enough, then I will not hire them. What better way to judge a person's character than proof of their personal lives?

Yes, I think we live to work. Nothing defines you better than what you do, and what you do includes your professional lives at work. To separate both your personal and professional lives is to separate yourself.

I have cheated, I've mentioned this in previous threads. I am, or at least I have been, a cheater. Of course I regret it, I don't condone cheating in any way but I also know that one mistake cannot be used to determine a person's character. I've been in... a few relationships, but I have only cheated in one of them. There's a history to it which I won't go in to, but please know that the person I wronged also made a mistake. We hurt each other (I like to think equally, others will think differently) and were stupid, but neither of us are bad people. People make mistakes.

As for the second point, separating oneself is often a good idea. The last thing you want to do is take the stress of work home with you. Especially if you have a family.

 

[afroebob]

Because when your with somebody your supposed to commit all of your romantic feelings onto them while they commit all of their romantic feelings back to you therefore making a romantic relationship. I'm not gonna lie, its pretty basic shit.

Granted, if the other person doesn't care if you go out and pull one night stands or whatever the Hell else you do its still pretty odd but I wouldn't necessarily look down on someone for doing it (well, I might. Not really sure, it would probably depend a lot on the specifics).

 

[Smeatza]

Uhm, breaking it off over a text that took you 10 seconds sounds kinda assholeish as well. If you can't bear to do it face to face, at least call them, come on.

Too right, but even a cowardly asshole will be able to avoid cheating on people using texts.