I like how Yahtzee's been undergoing the effort to reinvent himself lately. This review was perhaps the best of all his work simply from quality of the lowbrow poetic prose alone.
Zero Punctuation: Wolfenstein
- Thread starter Yahtzee Croshaw
- Start date
Maybe it would actually be a Positive one. Your head has probably exploded from the universe turning inside out.Mantonio said:
I should hope not, I haven't played the actual game myself, but I have played the demo and that was quite exellent. Sure it isn't the most techy game, lacking physics for the mostpart and that Kowl thing apparently irritates some people, but I find the fun of the game is in how much it makes you actually feel like the character. Same goes for the Punisher game which I thought wasbladeofdarkness said:
In the tumultuous time, before D Day
There once was a man named BJ
With chocolate box hair and face like a bear
And a jacket he picked up on Ebay
He was out one day, murdering Germans
As they tried to ignite London's Bernon
He beat up some dudes and broke missile tubes
So they both got blown up
That will learn 'em
But while there, he made the discovery
That the Nazis had powers, like no othery
He brought back a bangle, with some mystical angle
To which the Allies responded, ?Oh buggery.?
At the secret service of Queen Lizzie
BJ's bosses find themselves in a tizzy
They stand up and shout, ?BJ, sort this all out.
We'd do it ourselves, but we're busy.?
So he's sent to a big German town, where some serious shit's going down
There's an active resistance, in need of assistance
And everything's gone grayish brown
It soon becomes clear that the city's
Been invaded by occult committees
Mystical creatures, and slavering creatures, and gymnats with staunching great titties
You may wonder if this is a sequel
To some pathoral design, or a prequal
Depicting our hero, in a previous era
When he wasn't looked upon as an equal
It's actually meant to succeed ?Return to Castle Wolfenstein? day
Which is pretty damn slow, 'cause that was eight years ago
And the memories have gone STALE INDEED
The new Wolfenstein seeks to enthrall, with an ongoing high octane brawl
But it's a game about war, which we've all seen before
And, just like the title, adds ?Fuck All?
Any pretense of freshness is gone
In the very outset of ?Stage One?
You escape your pursuers, by an underground sewer
So it's starters we mean to go on
Your gun is, of course, your best friend
On which, you must always depend
When you get into fights, you can look down the sides
And bullets come out of the end
Weapon choice doesn't start to exciting
Two machine guns; a rifle for sniping
But later on, BFGs coming with guarantees
To shoot various flavors of lightening
There are soldiers all over the place, who can't take two shots to the face
But, before you pause score, they always re-spawn, and a pretty disquieting pace
You don't need to worry about health, if you're retarded
It allows you it's stealth
Just get behind cover, if you're in a bother
And it'll all come back by itself
It won't help you avoid the bum rape, later on
When getting to scrapes, with powerful blasters
With bing armored bastards, with weak points the size of a grape
To help out, you have on your side
Magic spells, and some crystals provide
On the appropriate cue, the world turn greenish blue
So it looks like your monitor's died
You can take down the big lant in minutes
Start a fight with ten men and still win it
Making weapons divine, or just use bullet time
Which wasn't that great when Max Paine did it
But the powers are hard to sustain
You might think it's too swiftly drained
In the middle of a fight, you'll end up in the shite
And will suffer a whole world of pain
In between all of the shooting, you must also think about looting
'Cause if you want to upgrade, someone has to be paid
And the shopkeepers don't like free booting
Why do all games need upgrading elements
Even ones where it isn't quite relevant?
It means all your big hitters, start off in the shitter
And your aim is unfirm and inelegant
So when you've extinguished the danger, you back-track through all of the chambers
Searching every last nook, for cash and check books
Which you won't find much fun, I would wager
It transpires that the in-game reality
Has pretensions to non-linearality
The game says, ?On your bike, go wherever you like,
as long as it's in this principality.?
But the freedom's are a mere gilded cage
That adds nothing to inspire or engage
It just means beating feat, on the same boring street
Just to get to the next fucking stage
There's very little to do, except hunt for secrets and money up front
But the reward's pretty lame, all the streets look the same
And the bads keep re-spawning, the cunts
It's not a totally asinine chore
There are optional missions to score
But I went out of my way and found, to my dismay
That, in total, there's only
Like, FOUR
I guess the ultimate question is ?Why should I even bother to try??
Every last MPC fills me with apathy
Am I expected to care when they die?!
I know what you're going to say:
?Yahtzee! You slick Internet paparazzi
Surely it's always fun, to stick the butt of a gun
Up the ass of a goose-stepping Nazi!?
Well, if you like starting punch-ups in bars
Or your head has been lodged up your arse
Wolfenstein may give at least some joy de viv
Otherwise, don't bother: two STARZ
Is that all right, or did I mess up on something? (Awesome, by the way. Limmerick XD)
There once was a man named BJ
With chocolate box hair and face like a bear
And a jacket he picked up on Ebay
He was out one day, murdering Germans
As they tried to ignite London's Bernon
He beat up some dudes and broke missile tubes
So they both got blown up
That will learn 'em
But while there, he made the discovery
That the Nazis had powers, like no othery
He brought back a bangle, with some mystical angle
To which the Allies responded, ?Oh buggery.?
At the secret service of Queen Lizzie
BJ's bosses find themselves in a tizzy
They stand up and shout, ?BJ, sort this all out.
We'd do it ourselves, but we're busy.?
So he's sent to a big German town, where some serious shit's going down
There's an active resistance, in need of assistance
And everything's gone grayish brown
It soon becomes clear that the city's
Been invaded by occult committees
Mystical creatures, and slavering creatures, and gymnats with staunching great titties
You may wonder if this is a sequel
To some pathoral design, or a prequal
Depicting our hero, in a previous era
When he wasn't looked upon as an equal
It's actually meant to succeed ?Return to Castle Wolfenstein? day
Which is pretty damn slow, 'cause that was eight years ago
And the memories have gone STALE INDEED
The new Wolfenstein seeks to enthrall, with an ongoing high octane brawl
But it's a game about war, which we've all seen before
And, just like the title, adds ?Fuck All?
Any pretense of freshness is gone
In the very outset of ?Stage One?
You escape your pursuers, by an underground sewer
So it's starters we mean to go on
Your gun is, of course, your best friend
On which, you must always depend
When you get into fights, you can look down the sides
And bullets come out of the end
Weapon choice doesn't start to exciting
Two machine guns; a rifle for sniping
But later on, BFGs coming with guarantees
To shoot various flavors of lightening
There are soldiers all over the place, who can't take two shots to the face
But, before you pause score, they always re-spawn, and a pretty disquieting pace
You don't need to worry about health, if you're retarded
It allows you it's stealth
Just get behind cover, if you're in a bother
And it'll all come back by itself
It won't help you avoid the bum rape, later on
When getting to scrapes, with powerful blasters
With bing armored bastards, with weak points the size of a grape
To help out, you have on your side
Magic spells, and some crystals provide
On the appropriate cue, the world turn greenish blue
So it looks like your monitor's died
You can take down the big lant in minutes
Start a fight with ten men and still win it
Making weapons divine, or just use bullet time
Which wasn't that great when Max Paine did it
But the powers are hard to sustain
You might think it's too swiftly drained
In the middle of a fight, you'll end up in the shite
And will suffer a whole world of pain
In between all of the shooting, you must also think about looting
'Cause if you want to upgrade, someone has to be paid
And the shopkeepers don't like free booting
Why do all games need upgrading elements
Even ones where it isn't quite relevant?
It means all your big hitters, start off in the shitter
And your aim is unfirm and inelegant
So when you've extinguished the danger, you back-track through all of the chambers
Searching every last nook, for cash and check books
Which you won't find much fun, I would wager
It transpires that the in-game reality
Has pretensions to non-linearality
The game says, ?On your bike, go wherever you like,
as long as it's in this principality.?
But the freedom's are a mere gilded cage
That adds nothing to inspire or engage
It just means beating feat, on the same boring street
Just to get to the next fucking stage
There's very little to do, except hunt for secrets and money up front
But the reward's pretty lame, all the streets look the same
And the bads keep re-spawning, the cunts
It's not a totally asinine chore
There are optional missions to score
But I went out of my way and found, to my dismay
That, in total, there's only
Like, FOUR
I guess the ultimate question is ?Why should I even bother to try??
Every last MPC fills me with apathy
Am I expected to care when they die?!
I know what you're going to say:
?Yahtzee! You slick Internet paparazzi
Surely it's always fun, to stick the butt of a gun
Up the ass of a goose-stepping Nazi!?
Well, if you like starting punch-ups in bars
Or your head has been lodged up your arse
Wolfenstein may give at least some joy de viv
Otherwise, don't bother: two STARZ
Is that all right, or did I mess up on something? (Awesome, by the way. Limmerick XD)
