Are you a "nice guy"?

[DudeistBelieve]

Yeah, got that line too. Solution? We'll I've just as well stopped playing the feild. Got sick of being turned down so often (not all the time, my previous relationship went 2 years), got sick of being turned down the exact same way every time. Fuck it, I rather spend my energy trying to do something productive with my life then wasting it constantly torturing myself.

Though that two year relationship I mentioned? I just got out of it, so this is the words of a man relishing in his freedom again. Ask me again in a few months, eh I may be more lonely.

I think the bigger question is, what kind of nice guy are you? To reference a GREAT movie on this topic, look at Megamind. Are you like Megamind, a little odd but deep down generally a sweet person with hobbies and unique interests and a desire to better yourself? Or are you like Hal, a loser with no hobbies or unique interests, a ticking timebomb filled with rage?

on an off topic note, Hal Stewart is totally one of the greatest villians in cinema of all time.

It's nice to know that the old stereotype of girls liking jerks is FINALLY going away.

Ya know, not for nothing, but I tend to think it would really help it go away if ladies stopped turning down guys with "You're a nice/cool/whatever guy but..." line. Just sayin'

 

[Sparcrypt]

Someone who when they like a girl, makes the mistake of becoming their close platonic friend because they're too timid to ask them out.

Stop doing that. That is your problem and nothing else - girls DO like nice guys, however 99% of the time when you end up as a friend, thats where you stay.

Get to know them a LITTLE bit, enough to figure you might like them - I say might, because you can't wait the months and months to be 100% certain cause by that point you'll likely have missed your shot. Then ask them out for a coffee or something, progress to dinner/movie/whatever.

 

[artanis_neravar]

Though that two year relationship I mentioned? I just got out of it, so this is the words of a man relishing in his freedom again. Ask me again in a few months, eh I may be more lonely.

Yeah after my last relationship ended (about a year and a half) I relished my freedom for a couple months then I saw how happy my friends were in relationships and am, again, lonely.

Although I do know that I will find someone sooner or later so I don't let it bother me.

 

[Hamster at Dawn]

I am your fairly typical "nice guy" but I stopped worrying about it. It's who I am and if someone else has a problem with that then I wish them well and let them go on their way. There are enough people who actually appreciate my niceness that it's not worth my time trying to please others who aren't interested.

 

[Worr Monger]

I think I'm too stubborn to be the nice guy... I don't see myself as a jerk though.

.. I just have my ways, and I stick to them..

I tend not to let a woman know I'm actually interested in her until I know she's interested in me... Otherwise she might think she's better than me.

.. And I'll be damned if I'll allow her to think that crap.

 

[JoJo]

I would say I'm a nice guy, but not a "nice guy", if you know what I mean. I'm fairly quiet and I'm usually polite but I'll always stand up for my opinion and I don't follow women around like a love-sick puppy either.

 

[The Funslinger]

I used to be.

But then I realised that I didn't like forcing niceness for the sake of other people so now I'm as blunt as can be. That's not to say I'm not nice to my friends or anything like that. One day I just found that I tend to come off as more assertive and whatnot while being the sarcastic fucker that I always kept quiet in order to be polite.

While I tend to be very cynical, it's always about select subjects. Basically, anything I find utterly stupid. (A great many things) Other than that, if I like you, I'll be your nicest friend (casual teasing aside).

OT: I'm a nice guy and even I'm getting pissed off by people going on about this. Don't try to be a dick just to get girls. The OP is probably falling back on old habits because he knows it's stuipid. Just try to be more charismatic. That's what people like. If you try to be a dick while still being quiet and mild mannered, people will just see you as this bitter soul sucking presence and avoid you like the plague. So it's obviously not the jerk side of things that improves stuff, it's the outgoingness.

 

[DudeistBelieve]

Though that two year relationship I mentioned? I just got out of it, so this is the words of a man relishing in his freedom again. Ask me again in a few months, eh I may be more lonely.

Yeah after my last relationship ended (about a year and a half) I relished my freedom for a couple months then I saw how happy my friends were in relationships and am, again, lonely.

Although I do know that I will find someone sooner or later so I don't let it bother me.

At this point, sir, I honestly can't see wanting to get back in a relationship that was in anyway similar to what I had before. Theres something really great about having control of your life again and not having to answer to anyone or be responsible for anyone but yourself.

Your friends should of been just as happy before they went into their respective relationships.

 

[Hagi]

I agree with you on a lot of those things, but not entirely.

First of all, I'm way past the blaming "jerks" and other women phase. I know that it's me who's the problem, not "jerks who always get the girl". I have friends who are good at picking up women, but are really nice too; they're just not the doormat that I am, and I don't resent them for having lots of relationships.

It's not that I don't value friendships from women; there are a lot of girls I'm close to in a strictly platonic way. It's just that I'm so used to just being friends with women that I can't express myself romantically. It's not some plot to turn a friendship into sex as much as an inability to be anything other than friends with someone.

I don't see why being consistently nice makes someone any less of a person. It's not like I don't have a personality. When I'm with someone, I'll share jokes and stories and opinions and whatnot, I don't just smile and nod like a lifeless robot. You don't need to be a "Jerk With a Heart of Gold" or something to be a three dimensional person. [small](ah, tvtropes, you never fail me when I need terminology)[/small]

I don't like people who whine about not having a girlfriend either. In fact, I'm kind of hating myself for whining on this forum in the first place, sorry about that. [small](oh wait, self hating, that might be the problem here...)[/small]

Reply wasn't really directed at you personally , but at the archetypal nice guy.

Again, next thing also directed at the archetypical "nice guy". Nobody is totally archetypical so you can probably ignore some/most of it. It's also slightly exaggerated but I hope you get the main point.

The problem with being consistently nice is that things that can't be lost have no value. If you're always nice and always there then who cares about that? No matter what she does you'll still be there. And because you're always there she doesn't even feel like you're with her because of her. She could act like a totally different person and you'd still be there. You treat everyone else in the same nice way.

My advice, to the archetypical "nice guy", would be to get a different behaviour for girls you're romantically interested in. Doesn't have to be 'casanova', doesn't have to be a jerk. It just has to be something that's special and you're comfortable with (ps. clingy = not good). Because if you're romantically interested in a girl she deserves to be treated special.

And if you treat her special from the start she should notice something and either start treating you a bit special if she enjoys it or take some distance if not. Of course, everything is still open at this point but at least you're in a superior position as before and your chances should have improved. And just slowly start acting more and more like a boyfriend, if she's interested she'll treat you in kind. If she's not she'll distance herself.

 

[Nurb]

The "nice guys" are usually socially awkward and not as experienced in dating because they're not as confident, which is why women don't want them most of the time.

"Assholes" are just guys who are confident, usually overly confident and are able to put themselves out there enough that they get attention from women. Women complain about assholes because those guys usually show the most confidence and do the most interaction, giving the impression there are more than there really are out there. That's really the key; being assertive.

I had a serious case of "Nice guy syndrome" myself due to going to a religious school where being bi caused severe self-confidence problems. Now that I've worked out the issues, I'm more assertive and sure of myself, which has gotten me more dates than ever before and I'm seen as more desirable. Though I still have enough "nice guy" in me to amaze the guys and girls I've seen lately and make them comment how refreshingly different it is, so there's hope for anyone.

It's really just common sense for both men AND women:

Guys- You need to develop some self confidence, work out your problems and make yourself be assertive or you'll be stuck where you are. Shit sucked more for some of you than others, but you still have to be the one to deal with your problems and get yourself out there. Women won't come looking for you or want to 'save' you. Get some counseling if you have to, but getting over your shyness and able to approach others is your responsibility if you want to be happy.

Gals- You need to start those critical thinking skills about the guys you date. Getting assholes? Well examine what similar traits they share and avoid them. They may be jerks but if you're getting more than a few at a time, then you might need to re-evaluate your taste in men. This isn't the 50's anymore either... You would think people wouldn't have to say that among the younger generations but a lot of women think they can still sit around expect the right person to come to THEM. You need to be pro-active, get out there and approach guys yourself, even ask THEM out if you like them and they haven't asked you.


Wow, didn't expect to type all that.... It looks like our time is up

 

[drummond13]

Nope. Not anymore.

You can avoid being a "nice guy" and not be a jerk, but it does take practice and there's a lot of habits you'll likely have to break.

I'd recommend taking the time and effort to break them, though. Girls aren't fans of nice guys, at least not in the dating sense. And the reason is because nice guys aren't a challenge.

 

[artanis_neravar]

Though that two year relationship I mentioned? I just got out of it, so this is the words of a man relishing in his freedom again. Ask me again in a few months, eh I may be more lonely.

Yeah after my last relationship ended (about a year and a half) I relished my freedom for a couple months then I saw how happy my friends were in relationships and am, again, lonely.

Although I do know that I will find someone sooner or later so I don't let it bother me.

At this point, sir, I honestly can't see wanting to get back in a relationship that was in anyway similar to what I had before. Theres something really great about having control of your life again and not having to answer to anyone or be responsible for anyone but yourself.

Your friends should of been just as happy before they went into their respective relationships.

If being in a relationship doesn't make you happier than you were before (even if you were happy before) then you are doing it wrong

 

[SuperSuperSuperGuy]

This pretty much describes me, though being so unsuccessful with the ladies has made me a little bit bitter and misanthropic.

 

[Imbrium]

By the OP's definition of a nice guy, yes - I have social anxiety disorder so my brain pretty much makes me. [/whine]

That said, when I'm around people I'm comfortable with I can be a complete dick.

 

[The Funslinger]

Snip

This is quite well put.

I just thought to share with everyone the story of how I broke out of the "nice guy" cycle.

I was a bit socially awkward, and it showed like hell. There was also a stereotypical "asshole" who took the piss out of me to make himself look big. But I did notice something: It was only me. He was so polite and so careful around certain people to varying degrees, and although when we were alone he acted like a proper friend, I was the only one he really demeaned. So I relaxed and slowly took steps to be more charismatic. The thing that really synched it though? I set myself a challenge as an act of fun daring, and to prove that this guy really was an utter pussy.

I started talking to girls more, started going out of my comfort zone, expanded my social circle and started going to parties, and inevitably this guy would try and put me down. My answer? The first time I saw him a day, I walked up to him and ***** slapped him every day for a year.

 

[Chrishu]

Oh god, this again?

Women (especially attractive, intelligent ones) like men who are strong, assertive and can stand up for themselves and their mate. Being nice tends to involve that condescending idea that being a sycophant wil cause women to drop their panties over the fact that you're listening to them.

Let's be honest, you "nice guys" are just trying to sleep with these women. Do you think that the girls you're talking to aren't AWARE of that fact? Condescending garbage. Be honest, direct and manly.

 

[Ushiromiya Battler]

I used to have anger problems, so I've never really liked provoking people, which has molded me sort off into a very careful person.
Because off this I'm often overly nice to people and out of 5 girls I've asked out, 4 of them said I was a nice guy and all that. Which I don't really see as a problem, sure it sucked that I was apparently to nice, but I really don't like being a jerk. And I did score with one of them!

I know that girls and occasionally guys 'use' me, which isn't that much of a problem, as long as it actually helps them in some way.

I guess I do count as a 'nice guy' and I'm perfectly fine with that, my only problem is that I often get overly worried about people I like and love, which can come of as clingy.

Please pardon my of/off mistakes if they are there.... For some reason I can't distinguish between them anymore.

 

[Twilight_guy]

Yes. Luckily I don't really care. I'm just a nice guy and I don't care what happens otherwise. I'm not going to change to get the girls, I'll find someone who likes nice guys.

 

[Arbi Trax]

I'm no lothario, but there is one universal constant I have seen, that every girl I know finds attractive: Confidence.

Not the brash, chest-thumping bravado that your average loudmouth tool exhibits, but just being able to look at yourself and say, "This is me. It's who I am. Sure, it might not be perfect, but who is?" If you are comfortable in your own skin, and self-assured without being cocky, you will project a sense of calm assertiveness that a lot of women (not all, but a lot) will tune into and at least find appealing - enough to stick around for you to strike up a conversation anyway and wow them with your Star Wars knowledge/Nunchucks technique/freestyle disco dancing prowess.

It's not a magic bullet, but it opens up the possibility that you might be "Boyfriend material" rather than the rather awkward 'Eunuch' figure you are cutting at the moment, if you don't mind me saying.

Confident nice guys are a rare breed, and a good catch, as many guys mistake 'Nice' for 'Spineless.' A confident nice guy has the moral courage to do nice things for others without living for others or allowing themselves to be exploited. And they're not martyrs either. Learn to loosen up and go a bit crazy once in a while!

And how do you become confident? Simple. Act confident. Tell the world that you are a confident man with your body language, voice and actions. It's not easy, but if you keep it up, eventually you will find yourself being confident without needing to act.

Lesson over! For homework, read Rudyard Kipling's poem, "If" for a good primer on examples of confident and nice behaviour.

Cheers!

 

[sergnb]

I haven't gotten the nice guy speech because I haven't asked anyone directly yet but I have gotten the "If I was bla bla bla bla I would date you", which is an equivalent.