So you've just found out your spouse is a former porn star.

[Strazdas]

Is it really wise to quote a man who died alone when posing in a topic that's generally about "love someone or not because of (blank)"? Just a thought.

everyone dies alone. we live together, but we die alone.

Let me rephrase, "is it really wise to quote a man who was noteworthy for living AND dying alone when it comes to a relationship-based thread?"

Yes, for he obviously was smart enough to avoid relationships of the times.

 

[launchpadmcqwak]

i am REALLY REALLY uncomfortable when i hear anything about my partners sexual past...just thinking about her in that situation with other people makes me terribly depressed...but that's just me :/

 

[Gennadios]

If my wife does whatever great stuff she was filmed doing to me, I see no problem.

If she's holding out on me however, she's totally selfish and a lying ***** and I'm getting a divorce.

 

[Artemis923]

If I found out my gf was an ex porn star, I don't think I'd have a problem with that.

If anything, it means she knows more underneath the sheets.

And that's a win in my book.

 

[Dandark]

I really doubt I would care. I would not care that she was a porn star, im completely fine with that.
The only thing that would really worry me was if I had been with my wife a long time and she hadn't told me but even then I can understand that she probably wouldn't want to talk about since people have really stupid views on whats okay when it comes to sex, especially porn but none the less I would probably be able to get over it alright.

 

[BarbaricGoose]

I'd start feeling rather self conscious about my dangus, because the average for her would be about 9 inches. Or whatever the average is for hung porn stars.

I'd also be peeved about having been lied to for the past 5 years. That would bother me quite a bit more than the whole size thing. I'd probably start wondering if she was lying about anything else. Then I'd get paranoid.

 

[phantasmalWordsmith]

I think I'd go with "Keep Calm and Carry On". Honestly, as long as she didn't catch anything, I'd probably just shrug, let curiosity take hold and pester her with questions, probably questions that to her, would be inappropriate

 

[Mr F.]

Well...

Nope. Wouldn't be cool on any level. Sorry, enlightened masses of the internet, I would not be cool with it. On one level its the trust issues, the hellish trust issues. On another level its the particular industry she was working in. Then again it was over 5 years prior to the start of the relationship...

Still.

Unlike most internet users that are male and in their early 20's, I fucking hate porn. At least 'Professional' porn. Got nothing wrong with someone posting their tits to /r/gonewild for a few upvotes. Got something very wrong with a disgusting industry of entrapment that I find utterly repulsive on multiple levels. It is not down to religion, it is not down to being prudish, it is not down to shit like that. It is down to society, my own personal views and genuinely finding it to be abhorrent and immoral. Sorry.

And please feel free not to quote me on that and try and get me into a stupid fucking argument. We will not change each others minds, blah blah blah.

But then again, this goes against my own credo... I don't know really. It is someones past and the past does not matter... Yet it should still be open and out there. Hell, my current partner does not judge me for my 'Interesting' past yet she knows it. All of it. Warts and all. I gave her the option of not caring. I think that matters.

 

[Icehearted]

Appalled at the idea that the woman I loved enough to marry would allow herself to be a human toilet for money, I'd probably get extremely drunk and throw myself under a train. Not even exaggerating, marriage isn't a frivolity to me. To have something as personally sacred to me built on a deception, let alone a lie this vile, would drive me over the edge. My family would be destroyed because my wife would be a lying harlot and I have entirely too much self-respect to permit myself to be used by someone with absolutely no self-respect at all (ie: deceitful hookers). It's not just the lie as much as it is the gravity of the lie.

She is a liar and a whore. I wish them well, but for me such a thing would be just too catastrophic.

As usual, the liberal, always nice guys responses. It would bother the fuck out of you all. men most so, but women. Its the human ego you see, and the male ego is the worst. How could you compete with all those hour long sessions with the biggest members u cud imagine! She was lying when she said I was the best she ever had! Did she just fake that orgasm just now? - And so the decent into egomanical maddnness and jealousy would go. Until you hate your partner and, but more so yourself.

Before you all jump to respond, this is the cold truth that you either deny, or lack the relevant life experience to know.

Your reasoning is off, but you make several good points. It's not about ego for my part, it's about honesty, trust, and the fact that when men and women have sex he's leaving something behind with or in her, not the other way around. Anyone that suggests promiscuity is equally acceptable with either gender is foolishly uninformed. It has nothing to do with ego and everything to do with (in my case) being disgusted by her, and more so by her deception, and most with myself for being fooled into finally accepting marriage with someone only to discover what sort of thing she really is.

 

[TJC]

So let me think:

Her porn career was 13 years ago, they've been married for 5. Even if they've been taking it slow, they've been together for 11 years, 12 at most. I think it's just safe to assume that her pron career didn't take place during the relationship which would be a complete different issue and let's just assume that her career ended long enough to make sure she's clean and didn't give her husband anything.

The only issue I can find here is that she took so long to trust me enough to tell me but I'd understand why she wouldn't/couldn't. As long as there are no long-term consequence for neither her nor me, I would definitely forgive her after the initial shock and probably be thrilled that there's a new aspect to get to know of the woman I love. After a near decade of relationship things might be stale. Not sure how detailed I'd want to know it (aka watching her movies) but dang, if that isn't an interesting topic to talk about I don't know what is.

 

[Spade Lead]

As I was reading my morning paper today I skimmed over the "Dear Abby" advice column which had the tagline "Wife's dark past". A man had just found out that his wife of five years had starred in somewhere between ten to twenty porn films when she was 19.(she is 32 now according to him) The man was devastated at this revelation, as was his wife when he confronted her about it, and was having trouble getting over it.

I will give you all a moment to thoughtfully sip your cups of tea and adjust your monocles.

...
...

Now, imagine yourself in the same situation with your significant other; be they real or hypothetical. How would you go about handling it, and would it bother you at all?

My favorite part of our relationship is the fact that she fucks like a porn star in heat. (Blah blah, we talk, we spend time together, she helps me raise the kids, but GOD DAMN the sex is amazing!) I know she has already told me that she has been with twice as many guys as I have women, so if this happened... Well, I am just fucking fine with that!

 

[Starik20X6]

Spoiler: Obligatory response:

Seriously though, I'd be a little hurt that she hadn't told me, because that implies a level of mistrust. But on the other hand, it'd appear that her not telling me indicates that she's not entirely proud of that period of her life, so I wouldn't hold it against her for keeping it a secret.

I guess it would also matter what kind of stuff she did. I reckon if it'd been something I could/would get off to I would be alright with it.

 

[BloatedGuppy]

while no one is 100 percent honest, there are things you tell your spouse regardless of what they are, because its the right things to do.

what you describe kinda breads the cheating and not telling said spouse mindset because "i was trying to be nice".
no that's not right , whether the truth hurts or not tell them.

As someone who has dated a girl with a dodgy sexual history, and as someone who has been cheated on, I can assure you that one of those things is not like the other. Things you did before you were together with someone cannot be cheating in any way, shape or form, regardless of whether or not you offer full disclosure. Being in a relationship does not give you dominion over someone's sexual past.

As to the question of "the right thing to do", there's more than one school of thought on that. I've read advice columns that advise NEVER discussing past romantic entanglements with new love, because it'll just make them feel jealous and insecure. Letting the past stay the past, and focusing on the present. You only have a moral obligation to tell people things that might actually affect them...say if you were a seething cauldron of disease.

and to be clear i am not saying porn stars are bad people, i am just saying don't expect me to understand nor support your life style choices with understanding, because i don't , i do not underdstand.

The thing is, the girl in this hypothetical situation is not a porn star. She WAS a porn star. I guess the question is whether or not you think being involved in something like that brands you with a scarlet letter, so that no matter how different a person you are 10+ years later, you're still just "a porn star" in your husband's eyes.

We will not change each others minds, blah blah blah.

I'll respect your desire not to have your views questioned on the subject of porn, I'm no fan of the state of that industry myself. I am curious, however, about your quoted statement. If you truly believe that you will not have your mind changed, and if your arguments have no chance of changing the mind of another, why even post? Is not the POINT of discussion to share ideas, understand other points of view, reach consensus, etc? Otherwise, aren't we just shouting opinions into a void?

 

[Jovip]

Honestly, i don't think i'd care all that money.

"honey, i used to take cock as long as communist bread lines as a job a few years back"

"okie dokie"

I mean, it doesn't bother me...it wouldn't bother me if she was actively in porn, granted i'd wanna know about that before the relationship. however, rather literally, no concerns, so long as Sti's aren't a concern.

 

[blackrave]

Let me quote my man Nietzsche here.

?I'm not upset that you lied to me, I'm upset that from now on I can't believe you?

^more or less this

I'm not saying that it should be first thing to say when you meet potential partner, but it would be nice to mention it somewhere when topic feels appropriate (and there are usually plenty times for that)
Even worse if person is actively denying involvement even in face of quite solid proof