Welcome to Sburb! (Dead and Over)

[Connor Lonske]

>Connor:Remember your training!

God damn it, you can't build shit. Well, you got the omnitool and stuff. You equip it, it's pretty cool. You still hear those strange noises, like climbing? Before you further contemplate, you remember you need to take a piss. You walk to the edge and unzip your pants. You get ready to piss shit loads, but you see about 10 feet below you a scarf wearing, Gundom armed, pink haired, training dummy boded wrench welding imp!

>Piss on the funny thing bro1 oh and hi bro1

That's funny, well when you got to go, you got to go! Wait, that why is your typing guy different now? Whatever, you piss on the imp.

 

[ArcNitemare]

>Gregiscover source of noise

As you round the corner from the stairwell into the LIVING ROOM you see a strange sight.A big creature which you guess is one of these OGRES your friends have mentioned going toe to toe with...that CAT.You stand there dumbfounded as the CAT seems to be holding his own.

You shake your self out of it as you doubt he will be able to hold forever and will need help.

You draw your STEEL KATANA and attack the OGRE while it is distracted.

>Greg:Strife!

 

[Pappytech]

>Connor: Your PISS in the IMPS face. Distracted, he falls of the building, to his death.

Level up! You're now a level 2 N00b Guy! +125 Boondollars. Sadly, the Grist from your opponent is currently out of your reach. Looks like you'll have to get that later.

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>Chas: For some reason, during your chat with Illire, the GICLOPS doesn't attack you.

However, once you finish, it lunges at you, it's eyesight fully recovered. If you get hit by this, your odds of survival are not looking good.

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>Greg: The OGRE is overwhelmed by your and Perrywinkle's combined attacks. You soon defeat him.

Level up! You are now a level 7 Plucky Tike! +8,000 Boondollars.

Perrywinkle is now a level 14 Urban Feline! +140,000 Boondollars.

You pick up 318 Build Grist, and 314 Rust Grist.

It appears that the OGRE tore a massive hole in the side of your house. You should be able to use it to leave.

 

[Connor Lonske]

> ==>

You look up at your omnitool as you are pissing, not noticing the imp falling 4 storys. You are being trolled by some new troll cool guy. Cool.

Spoiler: Show trollin'/pesterlog

-- equilibricConcilate [EC] began trolling backroomSix [BS] --
BS: Hey cool guy
EC: \/ what are you doing to that imp
BS: Ummm, nothing...
EC: \/ it didnt look like nothing
BS: OK, pissing and using an omi tool is hard
BS: Oh shit, I think it fell down
EC: \/ 8_8
BS: Damn, I needed it's stuff
BS: Well whatever
BS: Hey troll guy
BS: How's life
BS: Mine is probly gonna suck as you already know
EC: \/ my life currently depends on a lot of incredibly incompetent sgrub players
EC: \/ which insist on wasting time at every possible junction
BS: Well for my friend's defence I say that you are wasting our time as well
EC: \/ excuse me
BS: princes!
BS: lol
EC: \/ i dont get it
BS: Anyways, what do you want mr troll
EC: \/ you to get the fiddlesticks on with the game
EC: \/ ok look
EC: \/ here
-- equilibricConcilate [EC] sent [BS] youneedtogofuckingheredunkass.jpg --
EC: \/ use that chart to go to the place marked after you climbed the first gate
BS: OK
BS: Thanks
BS: hey, you know the guy who keeps turning all caps on and off
EC: \/ uA? yes
BS: yeah, he just looked at what I do on saterday nights
BS: Don't do that yourself
-- backroomSix [BS] troll face --
-- equilibricConcilate [EC] ceased trolling backroomSix [BS] --

Man, you so wish you could see his face when he looks it up. You just hope he doesn't tell anyone else.

>STOP PISSIN' DOG1

Aw, OK. Your kinda pissed out anyways. So, now what do you do? Well, you could go down stairs and get the gist of things. Ha ha, puns! Anyways, you go start walking down your stairs and stuff.

 

[Pappytech]

>Dirk: You venture into the LARGE TENT. There, you see several old, bearded IGUANAS. They seem to be reading large scrolls, covered with copies of the writing from the ruins.

One suddenly notices you. He starts, and walks over to you.

Spoiler: Show Consortlog

-- iguanaElder [IE] began pestering stabsSalesman [SS] at 19:58 --
IE: Why, hello there young lad.
IE: What can I do for you today?
SS: =]=> Sup elder iguana man
SS: =]=> My name's Dirk
IE: Well, Dirk, it's a plesure to meet you.
IE: I suppose you can call me elder iguana man.
SS: =]=> All right then
SS: =]=> So I just stepped out of the giant glowing gate out there
SS: =]=> And it looks like you've got an infestation problem around here
IE: You came from the First Gate?
IE: Then you must know the Great Hero!
SS: =]=> You're talking about my sister
SS: =]=> Please tell me you know what a sister is
IE: Oh, you're related to her?
IE: Yes, of course I know what a sister is.
IE: Why wouldn't I?
SS: =]=> Well in that case you might wanna call a staff meeting with your other iguanas because apparently that isn't common fucking knowledge around here
SS: =]=> But the point is
SS: =]=> You say my sis is some great hero but frankly I've never seen her do anything heroic in my life
SS: =]=> How exactly do you define this "Great Hero" anyway
IE: The game brought her here!
SS: =]=> The game
SS: =]=> You mean Sburb right
IE: Yes, Sburb.
IE: That is correct.
IE: She created her Sprite, defeated the Underlings, and entered the Medium!
SS: =]=> Wait what
SS: =]=> No no man that is bullshit I made the sprite
IE: Wait, what?
IE: You... You're the hero?
IE: Oh my...
SS: =]=> Well I don't know man I'm the one playing the game my sis has just been hopping around killing shit
IE: Hmmmm... Let me take a look at you.
IE: Yes, it appears that you're telling the truth.
IE: Well then, have you come here to help us?
SS: =]=> Well truth be told the game never informed me that I'd be helping save people from dark armies but
SS: =]=> If you need help then I'll do whatever you need
IE: I'm afraid we need much more than a simple body-guard.
IE: Look around you; do you see the hundreds, nay thousands of ruins surrounding us?
IE: Do you see the writings and images enscribed upon then?
SS: =]=> I saw em but I didn't really get a good look
SS: =]=> I was kind of hoping you guys might have some copies I could take a look at
IE: Yes, of course. The other elders and I have been studying these for years, in hopes of learning their secrets.
IE: Sadly, we have made little progress.
SS: =]=> Well no language is untranslatable mr iguana man let me take a look and I'll see what I can do
IE: Fool.
IE: Do you think you alone are wiser than us all?
IE: Do you think you can do in a few days what has eluded us for years?
SS: =]=> Not at all my reptilian brother I just figure maybe my travels in this game'll get me a little exposure to this stuff
SS: =]=> So I might run across something that can help you figure this out
IE: Yes, that is exactly what we need you to do.
IE: You see, this script was written hundreds of years ago.
SS: =]=> Any idea by who
IE: Yes.
IE: The Denizen.
SS: =]=> And what is The Denizen
IE: He is a being of immense power, more powerful than any foe you have yet faced.
IE: He alone knows the secrets locked away in the ruins, but he has refused to share his knowledge with us.
IE: In addition, he has allied himself with Derse, the dark kingdom.
SS: =]=> Well that sounds pretty fucking selfish of him
SS: =]=> And also pure evil
SS: =]=> So I'm guessing my quest involves making him share
IE: Yes.
IE: You must find him, and force him to reveal the secrets.
IE: You must learn the secret of the ruins.
IE: It is your destiny.
SS: =]=> All right then that sounds like a pretty admirable goal right there and more importantly something I can start on right away
SS: =]=> But I'm kind of wondering
SS: =]=> You say he's stronger than anything I've faced so what exactly am I supposed to do to fight the guy
IE: I do not know.
IE: It is up to you to discover how to fight him.
SS: =]=> Well according to the legend I'm some kind of hero right
IE: Yes.
SS: =]=> Where I come from heroes get some kind of special weapon or powers
SS: =]=> Your legends say anything about that sort of thing
IE: Yes. I can give you some aid there.
IE: If you are searching for powerful combat techniques, then I advise you to stop by the bazaar outside.
IE: The few bits of script we have managed to translate have revealed some truly powerful Fray-Motifs, to be used by the hero.
SS: =]=> Oh ok thanks Mr. Iguana man I'll put those to use right away
SS: =]=> But one last thing before I go
IE: Wait, I have more to share.
SS: =]=> Oh sorry for interrupting what did you have to say
IE: Our legends also speak of two great artifacts.
IE: What they are or what they do, I am not sure of.
IE: All I know is that one is old, and one is new.
IE: Combine them, and you get something inbetween.
SS: =]=> That actually kind of leads in to my question
IE: Hmmm?
SS: =]=> I was going to ask Kaminasprite but I figured maybe you'd know something about it
IE: About what?
SS: =]=> Can you tell me anything about this pocket watch I found
IE: Let me see that...
IE: By the light of Prospit!
IE: This is... this is...
IE: How did you find this?
IE: Where did you get it?
SS: =]=> I alchemized it apparently my sis stole it from somewhere and gave it to me before she came down here and wrecked all those Dersites
SS: =]=> Because some crazy alien from outside time or something says I'm not supposed to have it yet
IE: Amazing...
IE: This is undoubtedly one of the two artifacts...
IE: Dirk.
IE: Whatever else happens, you must keep this safe.
IE: It is the key to unlocking your true power.
SS: =]=> Wow
SS: =]=> That's a pretty good start to this quest then
SS: =]=> And likely the only nice thing my sis has ever done for another human being
IE: My boy, you are incredibly lucky.
SS: =]=> We could make a gogdamn holiday out of this
IE: Perhaps we shall. This is truly a momentous day!
SS: =]=> But anyways thanks for all the help Mr. Iguana Man I'll check out that bazaar and then I'll start questing right away
SS: =]=> Hm
IE: One last thing before you go.
IE: Dirk... do you have a last name?
SS: =]=> Yeah it's Pace
IE: Very well.
IE: Dirk Pace, I ask that you help us learn the Secrets of these Ruins.
IE: I proclaim you to be the Mentor of Time.
IE: Please, fulfill your destiny. Become the Hero you are meant to be.
SS: =]=> I will sir and thanks for the massive honor
IE: Thank you Dirk. Thank you.
-- iguanaElder [IE] ceased pestering stabsSalesman [SS] at 20:23 --

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>Connor: As you travel downstairs, you can hear your DAD and SHEPARDPIESPRITE dancing to some girly music. Blarg.

When you get to the ground level, you are easily able to pick up the Grist dropped by the IMP. +67 Build Grist, +34 Marble Grist.

You are suddenly attacked by a trio of IMPS!

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>Chas: You are able to dodge the GICLOPS' attack, and send your ALTERNIAN PITCHFORK straight into his EYE! The monster roars in pain, as his non-existent health bar drops to 0. He explodes into a shower of Grist!

Level up! You are a level 15 Door-to-Door Kid! +500,000 Boondollars! +1,567 Build Grist, +952 Chalk Grist.

 

[Connor Lonske]

>man, our dad sucks dude.

You know, you know! Wait, what? You know, forget it. Your probably being messed around with by around by a college troll.

You check what you need to build the CRACKDOWN/ALLOY BAT THING. Huh, it's needs marble grist. Now your getting somewhere! You go into your apartment building and head for the stairs so you can get to the roof!

 

[senorcromas]

> Rich: Prepare.
As Beth gets the machines ready in the empty living room, you decide to grab some ESSENTIALS. You're not going into the MEDIUM unprepared! You pack a bunch of KNICK-KNACKS and place them into your CREATIVITY MODUS.

<spoiler=Show contents>
-Camera (digital)
-Camera Lenses (X2)
-Piano wire
-MP3 player
-Headphones (with unnecessarily long wire)
-earbuds (just in case)
-copy of Guide to the Birds of the Northern Hemisphere, by Herbert Fowl.
-Binoculars
-flashlight
-black sharpie

Your MODUS forces you to recite a LOVELY COUPLET about the item if you wish to retrieve it later. It's a bit of a hassle, but your UNCLE got it for you as a gift, and you will be damned if you neglect a gift from your uncle. Speaking of which...

Make friends with an old enemy.

You think that it is finally time. That... thing has been mocking you for far too long. Chas did say you needed to alchemize something that couldn't possibly be dangerous. The best idea... is the spandex. You walk mournfully up the stairs. there, hanging mercilessly from the doorknob to your room, lies the SPANDEX. You grab it, making certain not to put it in your sylladex. You may be making a truce, but you are certainly not going to waste a precious couplet on it. instead, you bring it to your room and onto your desk. There is a slight alteration in order.

>Grab Sharpie.
You attempt to grab the sharpie, reciting:
Although the scent doesn't linger,
A huff of the fumes is equal to liquor.

Though it was a bit contrived, out pops the BLACK SHARPIE, just as you hoped! You go to town on the spandex. It looks pretty good, if you do say so yourself.

You... aren't entirely sure how that red or white got there. Oh well! Who are you to question your genius? Seemingly on cue, Beth releases the KERNELSPRITE. It floats up to your room. You take a few deep breaths, hope your plan works, and...

Throw the SPANDEX into the KERNELSPRITE.
PCHOOOOOOOOOOOOO

 

[Pappytech]

>Connor: You choose to ignore the IMPS that are attacking you? Ok.

The IMPS prevent you from re-ascending the stairs. You lose 15 hit-points.

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>Rich: You create SPANDEXSPRITE! It just... floats there. Looking all shiny. And those blank... soulless eyes. Gah.

 

[CJ1145]

>Dirk: Be the Mentor of Time

Spoiler

There are not words to describe how BADASS you feel right now. You feel like you can PIERCE THE HEAVENS if you want. Nothing can stop you. You are a HERO, it's you. You have a QUEST, you have an ARTIFACT, and you have THE MOST KICKASS ARSENAL out of all your friends. And it's about to get better. You check the BAZAAR for those FRAY MOTIFS that your friend the ELDER IGUANA told you about.

 

[Connor Lonske]

>those mother fos, go kick their ass1

OK, you first hit the one wearing fake N7 armor like the one Conrad Verner uses in ME2 in the foot. It whines like a *****. The other ones look at you scared. You then use your RED ROCKET SOFTBALL BAT to kick the shit out of the hipster looking one with a sax on it's shirt. Man, this is fun! With two imps on the ground, you look at the one standing in front of the stairs. It's light blue and has rainbow hair. OH YOU HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS DAY FOR A LONG FUCKING TIME!

After you smash his, (or is it a her, you can't tell) head in several times he dies and drops more grist. Boy, it's like fucking gristmass! You look at the others, they aren't in the way of your progress, but the hipster one is starting to get up.

>go up the stairs bro1

Yeah, Shepard Pie should deal with them now. You go up to the roof after picking up the dropped grist from the stupid MLP like imp. You check how much Grist you have in total and how much you got from that imp.

 

[Pappytech]

>Dirk: You peruse the wares in the BAZAAR.

WARM ROCK. 10 BOONDOLLARS.
TURBAN. 15 BOONDOLLARS.
CANTEEN. 50 BOONDOLLARS.
CANTEEN REFILL. 200 BOONDOLLARS.
SATCHEL. 250 BOONDOLLARS.
TENT. 500 BOONDOLLARS.
MAP. 1000 BOONDOLLARS.
HASTE. 525,000 BOONDOLLARS.
SLOW. 716,000 BOONDOLLARS.

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>Chas: As you enter the fortress, you find the first few levels are devoid of life. However, as you continue down, you eventually come upon a group of GECKOS. They seem to be quite frightened.

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>Connor: You manage to defeat the three IMPS! You are promoted to a level 3 Rookie Guy. +250 Boondollars.

You pick up 87 Build Grist, 59 Marble Grist, and 27 Shale Grist.

You have somewhere in the neighborhood of 1.9 million Build Grist, 93 Marble Grist, and 27 Shale Grist.

 

[Connor Lonske]

>go craft stuff, like in mine craft but stupider1

Yeah, WEIRD PUZZLE SHIT is getting to you. You put the craftie block for CRACKDOWN/ALLOY BAT THINGIE on the spawnie plate. Finally!

 

[senorcromas]

Rich: Ogle your creation.

you... you think you will stay as far away from SPANDEXSPRITE as possible. Not because you are AFRAID, of course. It's for business. Or something.

Yes, you've got work to do. No use DILLY DALLYING. You head back downstairs and go through the process you remember going through with Greg. You grab the Light green CRUXITE DOWEL from the CRUXTRUDER, bring it over to the TOTEM LATHE with the PREPUNCHED CARD. from there, you bring the TOTEM to the ALCHEMITER. A few button presses, and...

PCHOOOOOOOOOOOOOO (Again!)

 

[WafflesandBacon]

> Xavier: Look up
I do so.
You see no reason t-Holy fuck, spirograph-y thingy.

> ===>
I gaze in awe at its beauty.
You must touch it.

> Xavier: Alchemize something with wings and get up there
That's genius!

> ===>
And by genius, you mean completely stupid. Your FATHER hates all things winged for some reason.

> Unless...
Well, unless, just unless...

> ===>
Well, maybe, just maybe...

> Xavier: JUST DO IT!
I run in place to build up speed.
Alrighty then.

> ===>
I run towards a wall.

> ===>
I jump off the wall, onto the roof.

> ===>
Keeping the my speed, I do a U-Turn and run toward the GATE.

> ==>
I jump toward it.

> Xavier: Enter
That's up to GodMonster, ain't it?

 

[CJ1145]

>Dirk: Shop!

Oh wow, there is some better stuff than you thought there would be here. After a moment's contemplation, you decide that what you need most right now is a way to navigate, and a power. HASTE sounds pretty wicked, but SLOW is definitely better-sounding by virtue of it affecting your enemies. Then again... HASTE might allow you to perfect your FLASH-STEP maneuver. And you've really been wanting to perfect your FLASH-STEP maneuver.

OK, you tell the SHOPKEEP that you want the HASTE FRAY MOTIF and the MAP, and hand him your payment.

 

[Pappytech]

>Connor: You create the 0-STAR AGENCY CLUB! It looks a lot like your ALLOY BASEBALL-BAT, but it should upgrade as you use it! Just like in CRACKDOWN! -50 Build Grist, -30 Marble Grist.

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>Rich: You create the CRUXTRITE TREADMILL! It looks like you'll have to... *Audible Gasp* ...exercise.

CRUXTRUDER TIMER: 20:45.

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>Chas:
The GECKO happily trades you a LOSASS MAP and a BOONBUCK for your SHINY ROCK and SPOON AND KNIFE.

The MAP is marked with 8 dots. It looks like each one of them is a Gate. There are a few landmarks by each Gate; probably villages or other inhabited areas.

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>Xavier: You run about 5 feet up the wall... before falling back down. Ouch. Looks like you're going to need to get your sever player to build you a path up.

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>Dirk: The SHOPKEEPER is more than happy to sell you HASTE and the MAP. -525,250 Boondollars.

The map appears to be of the surrounding area. You see a point that looks like the First Gate you came out of, the CAMP you're currently at, and another dot. It looks like it might be another Gate.