Welcome to Sburb! (Dead and Over)

[senorcromas]

>Rich: Be Greg.

W-what? Why on Earth would you want to do that? There are IMPS to choke, and UNCLES to save! You can't just run around, being OTHER PEOPLE all WILLY NILLY. That would just be COUNTER INTUITIVE.
You decide instead to quickly collect the GRIST from the recently fallen IMP, and move on to the others.

>Choke a *****.
Will do.

 

[Pappytech]

>Dirk: You head NORTH, and enter another room. It looks like a dead end.

In the center of the room, forming a square, are some weird VASES.

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>Greg: As you grab the Queen's hand, she gently pulls you to your feet. Although she doesn't seem to have a mouth, you get the impression that she is smiling at you.

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>Connor: The SHOPKEEPER hands you 10 COCONUTS, and takes 2,500 of your Boondollars.

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>Rich: You try and fail to be Greg. Only Greg can be Greg.

You manage to sneak back up on the IMPS, and wrap your MUSICAL GARROTE around another's neck, but he manages to attract the others' attention with his flailing. The three remaining IMPS quickly encircle you, and prepare to attack.

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>Chas: The IMPS scatter around the room, skulking along the walls, and stay as far away from you as possible without actually leaving the room.

Sadly, the DOOR is a master at staring contests. Your LASERFACE is pretty ineffective.

 

[Connor Lonske]

>Connor:Go outside and try to open up your coconuts for the sweet juices inside.

That is what's in coconuts, right? Juices? Whatever, you go in front of the store and smash the coconut on your knee lightly, yet firm.

 

[WafflesandBacon]

> Xavier: STRIFE!
"Ba-dun-dun-dun-DUN-dun-dundundundunDADAbunbunbunbun-DA!-DA-DA-DADADADADADADA!"
Or something along those lines should play as you BEATDOWN the IMPS and BASILISKS.

 

[Pappytech]

>Connor: You attempt to lightly smash the COCONUT over your knee. This is rather ineffective. You bruise your knee.

The COCONUT is quite hard; it'll take a significant amount of force to smash one open.

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>Chas: Your LASERFACE does nothing to the VASES. It looks like it'll take sheer blunt trauma to break one of them.

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>Xavier: You can have Maplehoof's Adventure.


The IMPS are defeated easily enough, but the BASILISKS are proving quite resilient. You manage to deal some damage to one of them, but they also hit you a few times.

Your HEALTH VIAL is reduced to %78.

 

[ArcNitemare]

>Greg:Stand up

You stand up with the help of the Queen.Although she doesn't seem to have a mouth, you get the impression that she is smiling at you.You blank out for a minute,trying to figure out what to do or say next when you remember about LS.

You ask the Queen for a moment then turn on your heel and walk up to LS and bow before him,telling him that you are glad he is ok and that you are sorry for nearly getting him killed.

You turn your head and thank the tall Prospitian from before as well for seeing LS to safety and making sure he is ok.

 

[senorcromas]

Rich: Get dangerous.

So. you're surrounded by a group of vicious IMPS, and and are currently choking the life out of their friend. Many people would be intimidated by a situation such as this. However, you've got an UNCLE to save! This CONFRONTATION is peanuts to you!

You decide to swing the DYING IMP into the others, making a CORPSE PENDULUM.
Er, WHIRLWIND.
CAROUSEL.

YOU'RE SPINNING AROUND WITH A CORPSE.

 

[CJ1145]

>Dirk: Smash the vase

Nah, it looks like CHAS has that handled.

Spoiler

Or, you THOUGHT he did. Who is he talking to at a time like this? It's probably that goddamn LETAGE again isn't it? You swear you can SMELL that TROLL'S IRONS up in your FIRES. You are about to make sure those IRONS are going to be COLD forever. Or something. But to do that you will need help. And who could be better than your OTHER TROLL PAL? But, wait, how do you contact him? Waving will just get LETAGE and you really don't want to talk to her right now.

Maybe if you just sort of... reach out and...

Spoiler

Spoiler: Show pesterlog

[07:00] -- unopressedAgitator [UA] began pestering stabsSalesman [SS] at 19:00 --
[07:23] UA: yo dudE you wAvEd
[07:23] SS: =]=> Oh, thank jegus that worked.
[07:24] SS: =]=> OK, so if you haven't noticed Chas has gotten to my land now.
[07:24] UA: yEAh i sAw
[07:24] UA: id sAy its About fuckiNG timE but Eh
[07:24] SS: =]=> Well right now he's talking to somebody on pesterchum, and I'm going to go out on a limb and guess it's Letage.
[07:24] UA: pRolly
[07:25] SS: =]=> So basically, I just wanted to know what her deal was. She's been talking to Chas more than anybody else, and with him being...
[07:25] SS: =]=> Well, himself, I'm fairly convinced this is going to turn into a trainwreck.
[07:26] UA: hoNEstly dudE i hAvE No fuckiNG cluE whAt hER dEAl is
[07:27] UA: lEtAGEs oNE cRAzy ***** ANd shE doEs cRAzy ***** thiNGs
[07:27] SS: =]=> I've gathered as much. Come on, bro, you've gotta have something, you played Sburb or grub or somefuck with her.
[07:28] SS: =]=> Some sort of clue on the way she does shit so I can counter whatever hellhole she sends Chas traipsing into.
[07:28] UA: duNNo dudE pERhAps shEs Got A cRush oN him
[07:29] SS: =]=> A crush? Do aliens even get those? I'm not even sure human trolls are capable of love.
[07:29] UA: AliENs Got cRushEs yEAh
[07:29] UA: i duNNo its REAlly fARfEtchEd
[07:30] UA: hAviNG A cRush oN A Not tRoll is fuckiNG disGustiNG
[07:30] SS: =]=> Well here on the crater that was formerly Earth, we have a similar policy on having crushes on trolls.
[07:30] SS: =]=> I'm hoping Chas remembers that.
[07:31] SS: =]=> Because some fucking mushy romance gunk would explain what he's been up to way too well for my tastes.
[07:32] UA: i hEARd hER sAyiNG shEs hElpiNG him chEAt sbuRb oR whAtEvER thE fuck you lot cAll it
[07:32] UA: pERhAps shEs hElpiNG him with thAt
[07:33] SS: =]=> Son of a *****. Who the hell does Chas think he is, cheating like that? He must be jealous of me kicking so much gogdamned ass at this.
[07:33] UA: wEll i duNNo
[07:34] UA: cuttiNG thRouGh thE bullshit of thE GAmE is cAllEd 'chEAtiNG' by EvERyoNE
[07:34] SS: =]=> Good point. How does one "cheat" at this game anyway?
[07:35] UA: GEttiNG mAps fRom AliEN Gods
[07:35] UA: foR ExAmplE
[07:37] UA: AN' somEtimEs sENdiNG codEs foR itEms to you lot
[07:37] SS: =]=> Ah.
[07:38] SS: =]=> Well, might as well level the playing field. You're the Time Hero for your session, right? Any advice or shit?
[07:39] UA: wEll if youRE Not AfRAid of pREfoRmiNG A fuckiNG timEliNE bAllEt...
[07:39] SS: =]=> Can't be more emasculating than raiding my sister's closet.
[07:39] UA: wEll Not thAt kiNd of bAllEt
[07:39] SS: =]=> All right, well the point is I'm up for it. What's the deal?
[07:40] UA: whEN you GEt thE Ability to tRAvEl bAck ANd foRwARd iNto timE you cAN pREtty much cloNE youRsElf
[07:41] UA: fiGht ENEmiEs with 20 yous At youR sidE is pREtty fuckiNG swEEt
[07:41] UA: but you GottA bE cAREful Not to stEp outtA liNE oR ElsE you diE
[07:41] SS: =]=> That sounds absolutely fucking incredible. How do I get that power?
[07:41] SS: =]=> Wait what do you mean by that?
[07:42] UA: wEll you ARE cuRRENtly iN thE AlphA timEliNE
[07:42] UA: thE mAiN oNE
[07:42] UA: whENEvER you Go bAck iN timE ANd chANGE shit you chANGE it iNto AN offshot iNto A bEtA timEliNE
[07:42] UA: A doomEd timEliNE
[07:42] UA: if you thEN GEt bAck iNto thE AlphA timEliNE
[07:42] UA: YOU diE
[07:42] UA: thEREs No GoiNG ARouNd thAt
[07:43] UA: if somEthiNG fRom thE bEtA timEliNE GEts iNto thE AlphA it GEts killEd
[07:43] SS: =]=> That is... disconcerting. But I think I can handle not fucking up that badly. How do I get that ability?
[07:43] UA: i Got it whEN i fouNd my timE ARtifActs
[07:43] SS: =]=> Suddenly my quest just became a lot more worth finishing.
[07:45] UA: you Got youR fiRst fRom youR sis RiGht
[07:47] SS: =]=> Yeah, any idea where she found that?
[07:48] UA: No cluE
[07:48] UA: ivE bEEN tRyiNG to coNtAct hER but shE doEsNt sEEm to hAvE A pEstERchum
[07:48] SS: =]=> Nah she always said it was for babies and wimps, that if somebody wanted to talk to her they could say it to her face.
[07:49] SS: =]=> No clue why she had a phone.
[07:49] SS: =]=> If you want to talk to her you'd best find some creative ways of communication.
[07:49] UA: cAN you pAss hER A mEssAGE
[07:49] SS: =]=> Yeah, sure.
[07:50] UA: pERhAps usE timE shENNANiGANs to GEt it to hER oR whAtEvER
[07:50] UA: just pAss oN to hER thAt i wANNA fuckiNG kNow whERE shE Got thAt timE ARtifAct
[07:50] UA: tEll hER AN AliEN God told hER thAt
[07:51] SS: =]=> I'll just be a good friend and adjust that to "alien kid", because if you call yourself a god she'll probably think you're calling her out.
[07:51] SS: =]=> And godly time and space powers or not that is just not something that is wise.
[07:52] UA: thiNk shE could cRoss pARAdox spAcE
[07:52] UA: cAusE thAt would bE lEGit
[07:52] SS: =]=> Honestly? After everything I've seen today yes. And if not she'll just hide until we rescue you and leap out of nowhere for a throwdown.
[07:53] UA: swEEt
[07:53] SS: =]=> Glad to see someone's looking forward for steel dice in their face.
[07:54] UA: bRo how do you Not GEt this
[07:54] UA: AftER wE ARE doNE with you
[07:54] UA: you cANt bE touchEd
[07:54] UA: yEAh ANywAy
[07:54] UA: hows thAt duNGEoN comiNG AloNG
[07:55] SS: =]=> We're at some vase room and Chas is about to smash something, I assume.
[07:55] SS: =]=> He's got some big weapon out.
[07:56] UA: smAshiNG shit iN A duNGEoN is AlwAys A Good idEA
[07:56] SS: =]=> Eh, I don't care one way or the other. Either it works or it summons some monster for us to fight.
[07:56] SS: =]=> I am ready for either right now.
[07:59] UA: so youRE Good oN iNfo thEN
[07:59] UA: cAusE Rich NEEds his housE built somE moRE
[07:59] SS: =]=> Well, one last thing before you go.
[07:59] UA: suRE
[08:00] SS: =]=> Any clues on where to find that last artifact?
[08:00] UA: i GuEss you could tRy AlchEmisiNG youR fiRst ARtifAct
[08:00] UA: othER thAN thAt duNGEoNs
[08:00] UA: duNGEoNs AlwAys hold swEEt loot
[08:01] UA: wANt mE to Ask futuRE you?
[08:01] SS: =]=> Actually yeah ask future me.
[08:01] SS: =]=> I've never been one to hold to timey-wimey bullshit.
[08:01] UA: RiGht bE bAck iN A bit
[08:01] -- unopressedAgitator [UA] ceased pestering stabsSalesman [SS] at 20:01 --

>Illire: Pester Future Dirk

Spoiler

Spoiler: Show pesterlog

[08:01] -- unopressedAgitator [UA] began pestering stabsSalesman [SS] at 20:01 --
[08:01] UA: hEy whERE did you fiNd youR sEcoNd ARtifAct
[08:02] SS: =]=> Oh, this is that conversation we were gonna have right?
[08:02] UA: i GuEss?
[08:02] UA: i thiNk this is pAst mE foR you
[08:02] SS: =]=> I have no fucking clue, I still don't get time shit. But anyways
[08:03] UA: ...sERiously
[08:03] SS: =]=> I'm exaggerating.
[08:03] SS: =]=> But it's still confusing as hell.
[08:03] UA: wEll yEAh
[08:03] UA: but this is still AlphA you RiGht
[08:03] SS: =]=> Yeah it is, and that leads me in to what I was trying to say.
[08:04] SS: =]=> Unfortunately, it looks like telling me where to find the artifact is timeline-changing stuff.
[08:04] SS: =]=> So I can't tell you to tell him.
[08:04] UA: oh
[08:04] UA: ok
[08:04] SS: =]=> But I think I can give him/me a clue to make it a little less/more annoying.
[08:05] UA: shoot
[08:05] SS: =]=> Tell him that when he's ready to strangle midnight follow the golden dart.
[08:05] SS: =]=> That should be just vague enough to work around Sburb's shitty time laws.
[08:05] UA: ...cAN you GEt ANy moRE fuckiNG vAGuE
[08:05] SS: =]=> Oh don't even try me.
[08:06] SS: =]=> Time powers make you vague like fire in your face makes you warm.
[08:06] UA: i kNow dudE
[08:06] UA: so whAts youR futuRE likE i thiNk this is thE fiRst timE i tAlkEd to futuRE you
[08:07] SS: =]=> Well, I dealt with some personal shit, and I/past me started using a lot more backslashes to specify which me I'm/we're talking about.
[08:07] SS: =]=> Oh and I delivered the message.
[08:08] UA: oh cool
[08:08] UA: Am i iN ANy dANGER of GEttiNG iRoN dicE iN thE fAcE
[08:08] SS: =]=> Well I only saw her from a distance, not wanting to screw up time.
[08:09] SS: =]=> But she left really quickly after she read the note, like she wanted to get somewhere fast.
[08:10] UA: AlRiGht i GuEss thAts somEthiNG At lEAst
[08:10] SS: =]=> Oh and also what's this shit with super time powers and hoodies I'm hearing about? And something about a tiger?
[08:10] UA: oh yEAh GEttiNG tiGER
[08:10] UA: whAt lEvEl ARE you
[08:12] SS: =]=> I lost count around the time the...
[08:12] SS: =]=> Actually, I probably shouldn't mention that.
[08:12] UA: fuck
[08:12] SS: =]=> But I think I'm pretty much there.
[08:12] SS: =]=> Suffice to say I've been through a lot of grinding.
[08:12] SS: =]=> Through time.
[08:12] UA: this wAs AlREAdy iNfuRiAtiNG ENouGh with futuRE/pAst mE
[08:13] SS: =]=> Well, sorry to disappoint but I'd rather not die a horrible timeline death so I have to abide by these stupid rules.
[08:13] UA: yEAh No i GEt it
[08:13] UA: its just stupid to bE oN thE REciEviNG ENd foR oNcE
[08:19] SS: =]=> Oh yeah, I know how you feel there. But like I said I don't think there's much more.
[08:19] UA: wEll ok
[08:19] UA: i thiNk ill Go GivE thAt hiNt to pAst you
[08:20] SS: =]=> All right, thanks. I'd say tell him/me I'm sorry, but it's nice to be the one giving out cryptic advice for once.
[08:20] UA: will do
[08:20] UA: oh tEll mE
[08:20] UA: did chAs soRt his shit out
[08:20] SS: =]=> Oh.
[08:20] SS: =]=> That.
[08:20] SS: =]=> I'd rather not talk about that; and by the time you see the end of it you'll thank me for not exposing you to it for as long as possible.
[08:21] UA: GoddAmN
[08:21] UA: Ok thANks. GoNNA Go Now.
[08:21] UA: LAtEs.
[08:21] SS: =]=> Props on the suit you gave him though
[08:21] SS: =]=> Bye.
[08:21] -- unopressedAgitator [UA] ceased pestering stabsSalesman [SS] at 20:21 --

Spoiler: Show pesterlog

[08:21] -- unopressedAgitator [UA] began pestering stabsSalesman [SS] at 20:21 --
[08:21] UA: yo
[08:22] SS: =]=> OK so what did I say?
[08:22] UA: thAt whEN you ARE REAdy to stRANGlE midNiGht you should follow thE GoldEN dARt
[08:22] SS: =]=> What.
[08:22] SS: =]=> The fuck.
[08:22] SS: =]=> Does that mean.
[08:22] UA: i duNNo but outRiGht tElliNG mE pRolly cREAtEs A bEtA ofshoot
[08:23] SS: =]=> Oh, of course it does.
[08:23] SS: =]=> Because that's the easiest way to fuck me over.
[08:23] SS: =]=> Well so much for that idea, thanks to future fucking me.
[08:24] UA: i duNNo futuRE you sEEmEd kiNdA kNowiNG his shit
[08:24] SS: =]=> Well, of course he does, he's me. Frankly I'm pretty certain he would have been a lot more blunt
[08:25] SS: =]=> But he probably wanted to pull some cryptic asshole jamboree on me.
[08:25] UA: bEcomiNG thE timEdudE mAkEs A dudE cRyptic As shit
[08:25] SS: =]=> God, I hope I never become that vague.
[08:25] SS: =]=> Oh wait.
[08:25] UA: thAts RiGht
[08:25] SS: =]=> I absolutely do, apparently, thanks a lot time shenanigans.
[08:26] UA: doNt fiGht it
[08:26] UA: EmbRAcE it
[08:26] UA: bEcomE thE omNiscENt douchE
[08:26] SS: =]=> Well I'm already halfway there I guess. Now I just need to figure out how to become the biggest douche I can be.
[08:26] SS: =]=> Probably by being vague as hell.
[08:26] SS: =]=> Telling riddles and stuff like that.
[08:27] SS: =]=> I guess it doesn't really matter. What were we talking about when you suggested this future me thing?
[08:27] UA: i duNNo i thiNk wE wERE pREtty much doNE
[08:28] UA: i told you to pAss thAt mEssAGE to youR sis
[08:28] UA: which you did
[08:28] SS: =]=> Oh wait I remember.
[08:28] SS: =]=> Alchemizing my first artifact.
[08:28] SS: =]=> That seems like a good idea after giving it some thought.
[08:29] UA: whAt stRANGliNG midNiGht ANd GoldEN dARts GivE you AlchEmisiNG idEAs?
[08:30] SS: =]=> The midnight thing makes no sense, and the dart thing doesn't really either.
[08:30] SS: =]=> But it made me think of something to follow.
[08:30] SS: =]=> Maybe if I alchemize the artifact with a compass, it will point me to the other artifact?
[08:30] UA: oh thAt could woRk
[08:30] UA: i wAs thiNkiNG About pRospit oR whAtEvER
[08:31] SS: =]=> Hmm.
[08:31] SS: =]=> That might be it too.
[08:31] SS: =]=> I wonder what Prospit has to do with it though; so far I've assumed I was a Derse dreamer.
[08:32] UA: oh ok
[08:32] UA: wEll you do youR AlchEmisiNG thiNG thEN
[08:32] UA: moRE likEly
[08:32] SS: =]=> All right then. You get back to doing whatever you're doing over there, I guess.
[08:33] UA: hEh thANks
[08:33] UA: lAtEs mAN
[08:33] SS: =]=> See ya
[08:33] -- unopressedAgitator [UA] ceased pestering stabsSalesman [SS] at 20:33 --

Well, you guess that went well enough. By which you mean TERRIBLY. You see that Chas is getting ready to SMASH SHIT, so you just sort of give him the go-ahead and pretend to watch.

 

[Connor Lonske]

>Connor:OW!

OK, fuck this, you use the ONE STAR AGENCY CLUB on it.

 

[Pappytech]

>Greg: The tall Prospitian responds that it was no trouble at all. She also seems a bit uncomfortable, and occasionally glances over your shoulder at the Queen.

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>Chas: oooooooh. Yeah, tossing the BATTLESPORK at a VASE doesn't really do anything. It just kind of bounces off the VASE. Which wobbles a bit. Nothing else really happens.

Now that you think about it, the VASES look incredibly easy to grab. Like you could just sort of... reach out and...

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>Rich: ...Yes. YES.

You suddenly do the CORPSEY THING.

The IMPS are pretty much wiped out instantly.

Level up! You are promoted to a level 6 IMP WATCHER. +7,500 Boondollars.

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>Dirk: You strike a pretty awesome pose.

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>Connor: The ONE STAR AGENCY CLUB is also unable to crack the COCONUT. You're going to need to apply a lot more force if you want to break this thing open.

 

[CJ1145]

>Dirk: Grab the vase?

Looks like SMASHING it didn't work. You offer your COURAGEOUS LEADER the advice that maybe you can move the VASES around, or something like that.

 

[ArcNitemare]

>Gregroperly greet the Queen

You thank the Tall Prospitian who tells you it was no trouble at all.You notice that she seems to be a bit uncomfortable and seems to be making occasionally glances over your shoulder at,your guessing,the Queen.

You give another thanks and apologizes before turning on your heel and walk back over to the Queen.

As you get a foot from her you stop,cross your arms and hands across your chest,give your best KNIGHTLY bow and tell her that it is an honor to finally meet the White Queen of Prospit.

You hope that wasn't a bit over the top but again,you have never met a Queen before and you only know how a Knight would greet a Queen.

Granted you may not be a Knight but still...it pays to be polite.

 

[WafflesandBacon]

>Xavier: Deal with the music
Its not epic, but its battle music...

>Mage! Eradicate the pests!
Yeah, your kinda doing that, source-less voice!

DO THE STABBY THING
No need for caps locks!

>STABTECH LVL 19: ESSENCES OF DONALD GONZALEZ
You begin a MULTI-MASSACRE of BASILISKS.

 

[Pappytech]

>Dirk: Your FRIENDLEADER seems to take your advice. Alright then.

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>Greg: The Queen gives you a slight curtsy in response to your bow.

As she straightens, she asks you to follow her. She says that your friends are more than welcome to come with.

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>Chas: As you pick up the VASE, a small switch located under it suddenly clicks. Nothing else happens.

Hitting the other VASES with your VASE proves to be quite ineffectual.

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>Xavier: Your attack manages to deal some serious damage to one of the BASILISKS, but the other manages to sneak up behind you and deals a serious hit.

Your HEALTH VIAL drops to 57%.

Spoiler: OOC

Connor, in order to break open a coconut with a blunt object, you're going to need a huge amount of strength or force. You're going to have much better luck using a sharp object.

 

[ArcNitemare]

>Greg:Follow Queen

You look back and say to the Tall Prospitian and LS that if they don't wish to follow that you will talk to them later.

You then straighten yourself and proceed to follow behind the Queen.