What's wrong with cheating?

Abomination

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Caiphus said:
game-lover said:
Caiphus said:
Might have been useful if the OP had clarified his question beyond the one sentence in his post.

What overwhelming negative response are we talking about? Getting served with divorce papers? Getting dumped? My friends have cheated on their girlfriends before, and I might have given them a verbal slap on the wrist, but that's about it, so the peer pressure isn't overwhelming.
Are you talking in general or just specifically with you?

Because if you mean the former, I can confidently say other people have severed many a friendship over this type of situation.

For a variety of reasons: One knows friend is cheating and outs friend so said friend gets pissed. Or doesn't out them but they clash because of huge judgements all around. Or ends friendship as soon as it's figured out because they know consider cheating friend toxic to be near.

I don't know anyone who has cheated. But I'm pretty damn sure we wouldn't be friends anymore if I knew what they were up to. Not unless things changed.
I'm talking about my experience purely. I have a friend right now that is actively trying to drive a couple apart so he can get his end wet. I'm not too happy about it, but I don't think it's my lookout. It doesn't help our friendship, but it won't ruin it.
Do not forget that some people have the mindset that if a guy cheats on a girl in a relationship she has some moral "right" to destroy his property or spread the news of his infidelity around his workplace in an attempt to ruin him professional career.

Some people consider it to be a terrible thing to do... I think it's just a thing that can be done and the practical damage that occurs from it should be proportionate to how much scorn the individual is deserving of.
 

Caiphus

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Abomination said:
Do not forget that some people have the mindset that if a guy cheats on a girl in a relationship she has some moral "right" to destroy his property or spread the news of his infidelity around his workplace in an attempt to ruin him professional career.

Some people consider it to be a terrible thing to do... I think it's just a thing that can be done and the practical damage that occurs from it should be proportionate to how much scorn the individual is deserving of.
Well yeah. Some people also have the mindset that it's okay to punch people if they talk to your girlfriend in a bar. Those people generally don't have the law behind them at least. And in my circle of friends (I'm certainly not the only one in my social circle that has the same semi-laissez-faire attitude towards infidelity), those people aren't paid much attention.

I think that cheating is a problem that the parties involved need to figure out. Some people will always try and get petty revenge; I'll just try and stay away from those people.

The victim's friends should always lend a helping hand, and that's something that I would do. But I'm not going to disown friends because they did something stupid. Same if they drove while drunk or scratched my car. I'd think less of them, but that's it.


But it's always best to ask what people's attitudes are rather than assume them, so situation:

Your friend has been dating a girl for a year. You then find out he's sleeping with another girl, what do you do?

Personally, I talk to the friend and strongly advise him to break off one of the relationships. That's about as far as it goes. If I'm friends with the girl he's dating, I'll probably tell her about it if nothing is done.

EDIT:

ShiningAmber said:
I was cheated on by my ex twice.

It really hurts. It makes you feel inadequate. Especially when you're the one trying to hold everything together and fix it. It's wrong. You're essentially lying and betraying a person when you're not telling them.
Oh totally, it sucks to have it happen to you. I've been cheated on, really makes you feel like a worthless fool at times.
 

2012 Wont Happen

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I think that open relationships are fine and too heavily stigmatized, but if you aren't in an open relationship then it's deceitful to cheat. Deceit is generally considered bad.

At the same time though one of my best friends has two girlfriends from different cities and is working on a third.
 

Vegosiux

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I will be the first one to say my past isn't spotless, and I have both cheated and been cheated on in it somewhere along the line.

But the thing is, a relationship is largely a matter of trust. That's the main thing that holds it together, not love or affection, but trust. Cheating is a great way to put a dent into that trust, and once you've put a dent in it, it's really hard to patch it up again.

Also, need to note, it's only "cheating" if it's done behind your SO's back. I mean, if a couple has an agreement that either one can shag anyone they want, any time they want, that's their prerogative, and if they practice that they're not really cheating, since they're both fully aware it's happening and cool with it.


2012 Wont Happen said:
I think that open relationships are fine and too heavily stigmatized, but if you aren't in an open relationship then it's deceitful to cheat. Deceit is generally considered bad.

At the same time though one of my best friends has two girlfriends from different cities and is working on a third.
An old joke I know goes, for a man to be happy, he needs a pretty, smart, friendly and loving woman, but the four of them must never meet or even know about each other.
 

Abomination

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Kaulen Fuhs said:
Abomination said:
The problem here is you are under the impression that a romantic interest is supposed to be the "person who should mean the most to you" and that simply is not the case with all romantic relationships.

Certainly there are some cases where it is a serious betrayal of trust but there are also many cases where it is not so extreme.
Can you provide an example of what you're talking about?
I thought I did in the very post you quoted
it could be just going out on a first date with one girl and on another day going on a first date with another. The first girl could perceive it as cheating and it essentially is
.

There are also relationships called "hookups" and such where, while they aren't considered serious, they are still considered to be ?a couple?.
 

Abomination

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Kaulen Fuhs said:
I would not consider the first one to be cheating, even though the term is admittedly subjective, because there are no clearly established rules when it comes to the relationship of two people who have been on one date.

The second does not denote a "couple"; the purpose of a "hookup" is sex without the relationship aspect.

It seems to me that you may be conflating two different concepts. Cheating, as it is intended to be used, indicates a violation of established relational standards. As such, there are no instances of cheating that do not include some transgression against the trust and expectations of the person you're with.
The thing is the line between serious relationship and casual hookup is not defined, relationships can be incredibly varied.

The term ?cheating? itself is mostly used in reference to a situation between boyfriends and girlfriends whereas "infidelity" or "adultery" is used to describe a breach of marriage vows.

That?s why my stance is essentially ?it is as bad as the damage that is done?. At the same time I do not put much stock in emotional damage as I view most people as the wardens of their own prison in that regard.
 

Baldry

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Because it's heartbreaking. It hurts a lot. The reasons why are pretty obvious, it's a breach of trust, when it's with someone you love and they go and cheat it breaks all the trust in a relationship but a lot of people here have said this already and more eloquently so I'll offer up an extra reason: It's a slight of the ego. I've noticed that, personally, when I was cheated on that besides the general piss offery at all the other reasons I was also insulted that there was someone better than me for someone who loved me and I also loved, it's really fucking offensive and this also just sounds big headed but that doesn't change the fact it hurts to know there's someone better than you out there for the person you love.
 

Agayek

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Professor James said:
NOTE: I AM IN NO WAY CONDONING ADULTERY; but I do wonder why exactly having an affair merits the overwhelming negative response it gets?
There's a number of reasons, but generally it's less the act itself and more the betrayal of trust that is the issue.

I know a handful of people who regularly have sex outside of their "primary" relationships, and no one really cares because they're all open about it.

People get upset when their partners decide to cut them out of the decision making process, which is one of the fundamental cornerstones of a committed relationship. As long as people are open about it, it's usually not nearly as big a deal.
 

manaman

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Is it really so hard to understand? You made a promise to another person, one that your entire relationship hinges upon. You cheat and you broke that promise, you broke their trust, and quite often you broke the relationship.

And if you can't be trusted to be honest to the people you claim to care about how can a third party trust you in other matters?
 

floppylobster

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Well it's about trust, and maybe at its heart - humanity. If you can't trust the people you're closest to in life then life would be a lonely miserable experience.

Condoning affairs is condoning lying and deceit. If you have an affair and admit it I'm not going to judge you, I can see how these things might happen. But to deliberately conceal it from someone who has a right to know (as they will or could be affected by it) would just be wrong. Because if everyone acted that way the whole world would fall to shit. And it's just hanging on by a thread as it is.
 

Xdeser2

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Professor James said:
NOTE: I AM IN NO WAY CONDONING ADULTERY; but I do wonder why exactly having an affair merits the overwhelming negative response it gets?
Hmmm....IDK...because maybe being in a relationship involves strong feelings towards one another, and a partner violating that trust hurts the other person ALOT? Empathy, people lol. Relationships are about both parties involved.
 

camazotz

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thiosk said:
I think what the OP is getting at here is more what happens to public officials, for example, when they are outed as cheaters.

If it breaks up the marriage and one party has had it, fine.

Should people lose their job over it? Not if they didn't abuse their power to have the affair in the first place.
If a public official is found cheating, it's an indirect suggestion that if he's capable of doing harm to his/her own relationship and commitment to a spouse, then one is also forced to question whether he can be trusted with other binding agreements (such as being in office commands). It's a form of guilt by inference, but it comes with the territory.
 

CrimsonBlaze

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It's simple; cheating is breach of trust and is very cowardly.

This is not to say that if you are in a committed relationship, you are stuck from every being interest in another person. If you want to pursue other relationships, then you need to be man/woman enough to tell your partner that it is over and that you want to move on.

Cheating on someone merely implies that you want to fulfill some need from another individual outside of the relationship while still having the comfort of your significant other. No one's perfect, and if there are issues that arise in a relationship, the first step is to be open and honest about these issues. If there are some things that can be changed, than that's fine. If an individual's needs are unreasonable or unobtainable, then it's best to just move on and find someone that will meet those needs.
 

PeterMerkin69

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Cheating implies deception and disregard for the emotional well-being of someone for whom you're supposed to care deeply about. In other words, it's an indicator that you're disloyal, untrustworthy and selfish to the extent that you're comfortable breaking longstanding social contracts and hurting people in exchange for fleeting physical pleasure. In a way, it seems worse than committing random acts of violence on strangers because you're overcoming (or falsifying) the binds of close relationships rather than simply taking advantage of someone you hadn't even known existed fifteen minutes ago and may never see again. The guy you just robbed is only some guy, but your wife is, well, your wife.

The reason it hurts is because people tend not to like losing what they want and think is safely theirs. And when you deceive them you're allowing them to invest themselves into a relationship you know isn't what they think it is, which means you're using them. Most people claim to have a problem doing that to one another and generally fear having it done to them, and for good reason, so they judge it negatively. There's also the associated feelings of inadequacy, etc.

Open relationships don't count as cheating because transparency and consent are implicit.
 

rvbnut

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The fact that someone needs to ask this question just further proves how humanity will never amount to anything good...
 

Ratties

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Yeah I cheated on the first girlfriend I ever had. Of course I didn't leave her because I was afraid that no other girl was going to come along. You know the girl that I slept with, only wanted me because I was in a relationship. After she found out I was taken, she was all over me. Remember thinking in my head, screw it, I am doing it. Even though it was a horrible thing to do, I broke up with my girlfriend 3 weeks later.
 

Ickorus

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Speaking from personal experience, it has a profound psychological effect on the person who was cheated on and I imagine, like me, anyone who was cheated on feels very strongly and negatively about cheaters.