Zero Punctuation: Alone in the Dark
- Thread starter Yahtzee Croshaw
- Start date
WaitwaitwaitwaitwaitwaitwaitwaitwaitwaitwaitwaitwaitWAIT!
You can skip sections of the game if you get stuck or just don't feel like playing a section? Is this a new thing? What genius came up with this?
(and, no, the new music isn't growing on me, and likely never will. I'm already tuning it out.)
You can skip sections of the game if you get stuck or just don't feel like playing a section? Is this a new thing? What genius came up with this?
(and, no, the new music isn't growing on me, and likely never will. I'm already tuning it out.)
You know what I hate?
When they make a game in a series that has THE EXACT SAME NAME AS THE FIRST GAME IN THE SERIES. It's like that 2006 "Sonic the Hedgehog" game (which ironically was also poorly received)...why the heck did they give it the exact same name as the first game? They couldn't have been even mildly creative and added something? Nintendo at least for New Super Mario Bros. named it...well, New Super Mario Bros. They didn't call it Super Mario Bros, they named it New Super Mario Bros. to differentiate it. How hard is it to use a LITTLE (and you don't need more than a little!) creativity in naming? If nothing else they could've thrown on a number or a generic ending title (i.e. Resurrection, Revenge, etc.) to the end, that would've worked.
When they make a game in a series that has THE EXACT SAME NAME AS THE FIRST GAME IN THE SERIES. It's like that 2006 "Sonic the Hedgehog" game (which ironically was also poorly received)...why the heck did they give it the exact same name as the first game? They couldn't have been even mildly creative and added something? Nintendo at least for New Super Mario Bros. named it...well, New Super Mario Bros. They didn't call it Super Mario Bros, they named it New Super Mario Bros. to differentiate it. How hard is it to use a LITTLE (and you don't need more than a little!) creativity in naming? If nothing else they could've thrown on a number or a generic ending title (i.e. Resurrection, Revenge, etc.) to the end, that would've worked.
Hey again, another transcript
I make a policy of never reading other people?s reviews, because it can taint my own recollection of a game and because I?m increasingly certain that I?m the only person on Earth whose brain works properly. But it?s been pretty difficult to avoid the popular opinion of Alone in the Dark. What with it being apparently the latest in a long line of Worst Games Evarr and responsible for the deaths of several of my correspondent?s families judging by the way they tearfully email me, requesting that I verbally assassinate it. Well I thought ?Fuck those bereaved bastards, who think I?m some kind of swearing ninja for hire. I?m going to play Alone in the Dark and damn well try to like it.? A few days have passed since then and you?ll be surprised to learn that even the majority can be totally totally right.
So, Edward Carnby from the very first Alone in the Dark is some how still alive, and thankfully no longer made out of folded cray paper, and wakes up in modern day New York with a bad case of plot convenient amnesia and being hunted by rips in the wall paper. Then all restraint gets tearfully bade farewell, and put on a bus to Azerbaijan, when a load of buildings blow up and Edward finds himself forced to fight against his standard satanic apocalypse scenario, while coming up with several contrived excuses to drive cars over ramps in slow motion, Creating a feel somewhere between the Prince of Darkness and the Dukes of Hazard.
He gets joined by a female sidekick who sweeps the horrible game character awards, taking Most Obviously Provided Love Interest, Most Irritating, Least Useful to Gameplay, Least Necessary to Plot, and Lifetime Achievement. Perhaps the crowning moment of her hideousness is when she nearly dies and the game forces you to press a button sequence in order to revive her with CPR. Although the spiteful cow never actually dies, no matter how many times you deliberately fuck up.
What?s tragic is that the good ship Alone in the Dark can see Port Good Game with out a telescope, but they were apparently in such a hurry to get there that they accidently landed at the Cock Up Peninsula. It?s full of good ideas balanced by terrible execution which I will illustrate using two hypothetical designers I?m going to call Terry and Gonad.
?Hey,? said Terry, ?Let?s have a damage system where you actually see persistent wound day counts on your characters body.?
?Ok,? replies Gonad, ?But let?s put them on the outside of his clothes so that it looks like someone glued slices of ham to his jumper.?
?Hey again,? says Terry, ?How about a dangerous gooey black floor that becomes neutralized by bright lights??
?Okay again,? says Gonad, ?Now let?s make the flashlight incredibly ineffectual against it, and make it a one hit kill.?
Then a broken and jaded Terry starts sniffing glue, while Gonad goes into the fetal position and softly giggles to himself.
Another interesting idea that got royally butt fucked is the inventory system, in which players are theoretically encouraged to pick up scrappy bits of junk and combine them into MacGyver style improvised weaponry. In practice, the player will find that the people of New York casually throw away an enormously large amount of Nitro Glycerin. And all you need to do is pour some of it onto your bullets, then pop a hankie into the bottle and bingo, you?re equipped for absolutely anything the game can throw at you. In all fairness there are quite a few combinations to find, and some of them are actually turn out to be useful. But Gonad?s presence is felt once again, Firstly giving you an aggressively small number on inventory spaces, in which your essential ammo, lighter, and plot important McGuffin all take up a space. And secondly by not pausing the game when you go into the inventory screen. So your attempts to fumble a wick into a vodka bottle at short notice can be interrupted at any time by the monster you intend to use it against running up and biting your nipples off.
Ordinarily at this point I?d say that over ambition has once again shot the kneecaps off a production as The Adventures of Edward Carnby Serial Arsonist attempts to incorporate combat, driving, puzzles, plus Prince of Persia platforming perplexingly. But I genuinely think that it could have pulled them all off. There was potential for true greatness here that just a little more polish could have brought out, if they hadn?t booted it out the door before it could even brush its teeth. Combat would have been tolerable if the camera had been a team player. Driving would have worked if they tightened up the severely broken physics engine, which at one point caused my car to go flying into the skybox after driving too fast over a piece of paper. And I?m not even exaggerating when I say that the fire physics are the best in the entire history of gaming. Seriously! Lean to close to the screen and you?re in danger of losing your eyebrows. It could have made a good game fantastic. As it stands, it just makes a bad game pretentious.
As a series, Alone in the Dark has always been about subtly claustrophobic horror, as is sort of implied by the name. But now it makes no sense, because you?re not alone and its not even dark cause everything?s on fire. I knew Atari were idiots when they let Uwe Boll make a god awful action movie out of the franchise. But I never thought that they were big enough idiots to use that film as inspiration. They?ve clearly been regarding Grand Theft Auto with envious eyes, hence the sandbox Central Park driving aspect. Which the linear story renders needless until they make you go hunting around looking for the spots where Satan?s inferno willies extrude from the ground and then set his pubes alight.
The final straw came when I spent an hour driving laboriously around the park taking care of them all. And then after a brief puzzle sequence thirty more popped up and the game told me I had to take care of them too.
?No.? I replied, ?No I do not. I reject your stupid fucking arbitrary game play lengthening World of Warcraft grind quests. And I?m sick of putting up with your bullshit! I know you provide the option to skip the next chapter, but I?m not going to use it. I?ve had enough. If someone serves you a dead dog for lunch you do not stick around for the pudding.?
I suppose I should have realized something was up when I saw that the chapter skipping feature was proudly touted on the back of the box. So not only did the developers think that Not having to play the game was a point in its favor, but there were apparently so few other selling points worth mentioning that they put it in the marketing blurb.
So to summarize Alone in the dark in a pithy newspaper headline sort of way, Glimpses of Brilliance Buried in Clipping Issues and Spunk.
I make a policy of never reading other people?s reviews, because it can taint my own recollection of a game and because I?m increasingly certain that I?m the only person on Earth whose brain works properly. But it?s been pretty difficult to avoid the popular opinion of Alone in the Dark. What with it being apparently the latest in a long line of Worst Games Evarr and responsible for the deaths of several of my correspondent?s families judging by the way they tearfully email me, requesting that I verbally assassinate it. Well I thought ?Fuck those bereaved bastards, who think I?m some kind of swearing ninja for hire. I?m going to play Alone in the Dark and damn well try to like it.? A few days have passed since then and you?ll be surprised to learn that even the majority can be totally totally right.
So, Edward Carnby from the very first Alone in the Dark is some how still alive, and thankfully no longer made out of folded cray paper, and wakes up in modern day New York with a bad case of plot convenient amnesia and being hunted by rips in the wall paper. Then all restraint gets tearfully bade farewell, and put on a bus to Azerbaijan, when a load of buildings blow up and Edward finds himself forced to fight against his standard satanic apocalypse scenario, while coming up with several contrived excuses to drive cars over ramps in slow motion, Creating a feel somewhere between the Prince of Darkness and the Dukes of Hazard.
He gets joined by a female sidekick who sweeps the horrible game character awards, taking Most Obviously Provided Love Interest, Most Irritating, Least Useful to Gameplay, Least Necessary to Plot, and Lifetime Achievement. Perhaps the crowning moment of her hideousness is when she nearly dies and the game forces you to press a button sequence in order to revive her with CPR. Although the spiteful cow never actually dies, no matter how many times you deliberately fuck up.
What?s tragic is that the good ship Alone in the Dark can see Port Good Game with out a telescope, but they were apparently in such a hurry to get there that they accidently landed at the Cock Up Peninsula. It?s full of good ideas balanced by terrible execution which I will illustrate using two hypothetical designers I?m going to call Terry and Gonad.
?Hey,? said Terry, ?Let?s have a damage system where you actually see persistent wound day counts on your characters body.?
?Ok,? replies Gonad, ?But let?s put them on the outside of his clothes so that it looks like someone glued slices of ham to his jumper.?
?Hey again,? says Terry, ?How about a dangerous gooey black floor that becomes neutralized by bright lights??
?Okay again,? says Gonad, ?Now let?s make the flashlight incredibly ineffectual against it, and make it a one hit kill.?
Then a broken and jaded Terry starts sniffing glue, while Gonad goes into the fetal position and softly giggles to himself.
Another interesting idea that got royally butt fucked is the inventory system, in which players are theoretically encouraged to pick up scrappy bits of junk and combine them into MacGyver style improvised weaponry. In practice, the player will find that the people of New York casually throw away an enormously large amount of Nitro Glycerin. And all you need to do is pour some of it onto your bullets, then pop a hankie into the bottle and bingo, you?re equipped for absolutely anything the game can throw at you. In all fairness there are quite a few combinations to find, and some of them are actually turn out to be useful. But Gonad?s presence is felt once again, Firstly giving you an aggressively small number on inventory spaces, in which your essential ammo, lighter, and plot important McGuffin all take up a space. And secondly by not pausing the game when you go into the inventory screen. So your attempts to fumble a wick into a vodka bottle at short notice can be interrupted at any time by the monster you intend to use it against running up and biting your nipples off.
Ordinarily at this point I?d say that over ambition has once again shot the kneecaps off a production as The Adventures of Edward Carnby Serial Arsonist attempts to incorporate combat, driving, puzzles, plus Prince of Persia platforming perplexingly. But I genuinely think that it could have pulled them all off. There was potential for true greatness here that just a little more polish could have brought out, if they hadn?t booted it out the door before it could even brush its teeth. Combat would have been tolerable if the camera had been a team player. Driving would have worked if they tightened up the severely broken physics engine, which at one point caused my car to go flying into the skybox after driving too fast over a piece of paper. And I?m not even exaggerating when I say that the fire physics are the best in the entire history of gaming. Seriously! Lean to close to the screen and you?re in danger of losing your eyebrows. It could have made a good game fantastic. As it stands, it just makes a bad game pretentious.
As a series, Alone in the Dark has always been about subtly claustrophobic horror, as is sort of implied by the name. But now it makes no sense, because you?re not alone and its not even dark cause everything?s on fire. I knew Atari were idiots when they let Uwe Boll make a god awful action movie out of the franchise. But I never thought that they were big enough idiots to use that film as inspiration. They?ve clearly been regarding Grand Theft Auto with envious eyes, hence the sandbox Central Park driving aspect. Which the linear story renders needless until they make you go hunting around looking for the spots where Satan?s inferno willies extrude from the ground and then set his pubes alight.
The final straw came when I spent an hour driving laboriously around the park taking care of them all. And then after a brief puzzle sequence thirty more popped up and the game told me I had to take care of them too.
?No.? I replied, ?No I do not. I reject your stupid fucking arbitrary game play lengthening World of Warcraft grind quests. And I?m sick of putting up with your bullshit! I know you provide the option to skip the next chapter, but I?m not going to use it. I?ve had enough. If someone serves you a dead dog for lunch you do not stick around for the pudding.?
I suppose I should have realized something was up when I saw that the chapter skipping feature was proudly touted on the back of the box. So not only did the developers think that Not having to play the game was a point in its favor, but there were apparently so few other selling points worth mentioning that they put it in the marketing blurb.
So to summarize Alone in the dark in a pithy newspaper headline sort of way, Glimpses of Brilliance Buried in Clipping Issues and Spunk.
The music you've chosen as a replacement doesn't do it for me. I understand that you wanted to stop ripping off copy written work, I'm amazed you did that for as long as you did anyway. However, this replacement doesn't seem at all similar to your previous selection and is really just jarring. Pay for the use of one copy written song and use that instead, at this point there have to be enough viewers for the budget to allow it.
Why do you all care about the music so much?, is that why you watch these videos? to luagh at the 4 seconds of music playing?. I honestly couldn't care about the music, the review is what i watch it for, it was halarious, so im totally happy. Yet people still moan about the music as if its ruined the entire video, you people need to shut up and realise these arn't music videos. Yeah, it was funny sometimes, when he played "when i got high" on the haze review and all that, but if he didn't, i honestly couldn't give a flying ****. Stop moaning about the intro.
Hmm I think I know what rubbed me the wrong way about your last video... and this one too. You're not talking as fast as you used to. Your first few episodes were almost to fast to actually understand what you were saying, and the episodes leading up to this one gradually slowed down. You seem to be talking in an almost normal way. Part of what I personally love about your reviews are how fast you talk (and I mean, isn't that what you're supposed to do anyway? It is called zero punctuation after all...).
It was still a good review, and it was pretty funny anyway, but I don't suppose that a speed up to the old level zero punctuation might be possible?
And yeah, the new music is growing on me. Doesn't mean I still don't miss the old intro though haha.
EDIT: Go and listen to a video that isn't this one, or the lego Indiana Jones one, and you'll see that he *has* slowed down considerably.
It was still a good review, and it was pretty funny anyway, but I don't suppose that a speed up to the old level zero punctuation might be possible?
And yeah, the new music is growing on me. Doesn't mean I still don't miss the old intro though haha.
EDIT: Go and listen to a video that isn't this one, or the lego Indiana Jones one, and you'll see that he *has* slowed down considerably.
I do kinda miss the old days of ripping off random music copyrights, but the new intro is cool too and so is the music. Terry and Gonad! I want a Terry and Gonad T-shirt!
Is he really gay? Somehow I doubt it. El oh el.
EDIT: Um, go back and listen to the Heavenly sword video again, he talks about 1/4 the speed he talks now.
Is he really gay? Somehow I doubt it. El oh el.
EDIT: Um, go back and listen to the Heavenly sword video again, he talks about 1/4 the speed he talks now.
Very funny review Yahtzee, very funny. I enjoyed it alot.
But I also enjoyed AITD, probably the main reason was because of the fire. I mean, who doesn't love grabbing a baseball bat, sticking it into the flames and wacking a monster with it? Though your right about one thing, HOW COME THERE IS SO MUCH BLOODY WHISKEY IN THE GAME?!?! Does it mean that New York has a drinking problem?!
Also, I always like the "Puzzles", if you will, in the game. E.G. A Root of Evil (Those pubic hairs that Yahtzee was on about) is atop a huge cliff. It needs to be set on fire somehow. Now I can't throw a bottle at it then shoot it in the air that high, so I need to think of something else. I see these Spiders that go up and down a power cable that is hanging from the root. So I grab a hankerchief, put it in a plastic explosive bottle, put sticky tape on the bottle then light it with my lighter and throw it on the spider. The bottle sticks to the spider, it goes up, bomb goes boom, root dies, I get a couple points of spectral vision.
Also, I dunno Yahtzee, are you any good at games? Getting attacked while on the Item selection screen? Hell alot of the time, I just ran a bit back and went down to get stuff ready, and god i felt like it was Bioshock. The monsters seem to hesitate, waiting to see what I would do. After about 30 seconds of tinkering I got back into it, and the monsters were closer, but weren't really in attacking mode. Maybe you were playing some "OMG Absolutely Rediculously Stupidly Insane" mode that I wasn't aware of. Well maybe you could tell me where it was, because I want the challenge you were having.
My one gripe about your point on the matter, was the fact that you "poo-pooed" on the Skip Chapter thing completely the wrong way. You didn't like it because it was... well there. It sounded like you didn't like it because it was the icing on the cake that made it look like a bad game. Maybe i percieved your views wrong, in that case, please explain your hatred towards the skip sequence. My gripe was that I lost everything. Yes I lost everything, my upgraded gun, all my liquor (NOOO MY WHISKEY!!!), my ammo, my batteries for the flashlight, and most importantly my med-spray. Those things aren't easy to come by ya know!!! My only gripe, but hey, if I'm stuck, its the price I pay.
I will admit, the girl was a useless tool, and I didn't really feel for her. (Awaits for people to make various sexual jokes about that last sentence.) But she had some minor parts that she was useful, like her following me and putting her between me and monster saved me countless times.
But what won me over on this game was that it was the first Adventure game to actually use First Person effectively. I mean, I played a heap of the game in First Person because it was usually more effective than 3rd person.
I haven't read any reviews of this game either, and i liked it, quite alot. Not GOTY material, some minor bugs, some stupid AI and it not being really creepy. But the story was interesting, and the rips coming through the walls was pretty good, and the McGyver element was great.
If i were to give it a socre, I'd give it a 7.
P.S. GRAHHH! I HATE THOSE EVIL BLACK FLOORS, ALWAYS KILLING ME WITH THEIR NON-SENSICAL BS!
But I also enjoyed AITD, probably the main reason was because of the fire. I mean, who doesn't love grabbing a baseball bat, sticking it into the flames and wacking a monster with it? Though your right about one thing, HOW COME THERE IS SO MUCH BLOODY WHISKEY IN THE GAME?!?! Does it mean that New York has a drinking problem?!
Also, I always like the "Puzzles", if you will, in the game. E.G. A Root of Evil (Those pubic hairs that Yahtzee was on about) is atop a huge cliff. It needs to be set on fire somehow. Now I can't throw a bottle at it then shoot it in the air that high, so I need to think of something else. I see these Spiders that go up and down a power cable that is hanging from the root. So I grab a hankerchief, put it in a plastic explosive bottle, put sticky tape on the bottle then light it with my lighter and throw it on the spider. The bottle sticks to the spider, it goes up, bomb goes boom, root dies, I get a couple points of spectral vision.
Also, I dunno Yahtzee, are you any good at games? Getting attacked while on the Item selection screen? Hell alot of the time, I just ran a bit back and went down to get stuff ready, and god i felt like it was Bioshock. The monsters seem to hesitate, waiting to see what I would do. After about 30 seconds of tinkering I got back into it, and the monsters were closer, but weren't really in attacking mode. Maybe you were playing some "OMG Absolutely Rediculously Stupidly Insane" mode that I wasn't aware of. Well maybe you could tell me where it was, because I want the challenge you were having.
My one gripe about your point on the matter, was the fact that you "poo-pooed" on the Skip Chapter thing completely the wrong way. You didn't like it because it was... well there. It sounded like you didn't like it because it was the icing on the cake that made it look like a bad game. Maybe i percieved your views wrong, in that case, please explain your hatred towards the skip sequence. My gripe was that I lost everything. Yes I lost everything, my upgraded gun, all my liquor (NOOO MY WHISKEY!!!), my ammo, my batteries for the flashlight, and most importantly my med-spray. Those things aren't easy to come by ya know!!! My only gripe, but hey, if I'm stuck, its the price I pay.
I will admit, the girl was a useless tool, and I didn't really feel for her. (Awaits for people to make various sexual jokes about that last sentence.) But she had some minor parts that she was useful, like her following me and putting her between me and monster saved me countless times.
But what won me over on this game was that it was the first Adventure game to actually use First Person effectively. I mean, I played a heap of the game in First Person because it was usually more effective than 3rd person.
I haven't read any reviews of this game either, and i liked it, quite alot. Not GOTY material, some minor bugs, some stupid AI and it not being really creepy. But the story was interesting, and the rips coming through the walls was pretty good, and the McGyver element was great.
If i were to give it a socre, I'd give it a 7.
P.S. GRAHHH! I HATE THOSE EVIL BLACK FLOORS, ALWAYS KILLING ME WITH THEIR NON-SENSICAL BS!
I watched the Colbert Report an hour ago and they replaced his normal intro music with Rush, because they were tonight's guests. "That doesn't go together at all," I thought. "Oh! That reminds me! There's a new Zero Punctuation out!"
Seriously, I don't hate the music this week as much as I did last week, so that's improvement, I guess. I still miss the extra two jokes per episode, though.
Seriously, I don't hate the music this week as much as I did last week, so that's improvement, I guess. I still miss the extra two jokes per episode, though.