Welcome to Sburb! (Dead and Over)

[CJ1145]

>Dirk: Figure out what to do next.

You have absolutely no idea what is going on. For good measure, you officially decide to CHEAT. You head over to your favorite GAMING SITE, and check out a few guides to the game before settling on one that actually has proper grammar. This girl seems to know way more about the game than most people logically should. From what she's saying you figure out some of the basics of the game, that the big ball is called a KERNELSPRITE, and that you need to GET YOUR ASS IN GEAR. You forget to check why, but you've never found reason to doubt a guide before. You think about sending a message to Chas on what to do next, but then realize it will take forever to get him to his COMPUTER and back.

Instead, you spot his PHONE in the KITCHEN, and grab that and toss it to him instead. With his new PHONE in hand you can now pester him while he's on the move.

Spoiler: Show pesterlog

[12:53] -- stabsSalesman [SS] began pestering snickeringSurrogate [SS] at 00:53 --
[01:29] SS: =]=> OK so I just checked this guide
[01:29] SS: =]=> And I guess what we need to do next is start making shit
[01:29] SS: =]=> Because
[01:30] SS: =]=> There's a timer or something
[01:30] SS: =]=> I mostly skimmed
[01:30] SS: =]=> Hold on I'm putting down the next thing on your side of the big box

You see something called a TOTEM LATHE in the PHERNALIA REGISTRY. You set it down on the other end of the room the CRUXTRUDER is located within. You also notice an odd PRE-PUNCHED CARD that seems to be there for no reason. Deciding that it must be important, you toss that to Chas as well.

 

[Connor Lonske]

>Connor: What the fuck have you been doing, go instal Sburb!

WELL YOU WERE ON GAMEFAQS TRYING TO FIGURE OUT HOW THIS DAMN THING WORKS, but now you put it like that! You instal the server disk, seeing how if you were a player the other guy would have control of your home, you don't want that, it would piss of the other neighbors and dad, well maybe not dad, he is pretty chilled, but still. So you pester you friends to see who hasn't started playing yet.

Spoiler: Show Pesterlog

-- backroomSix [BS] began pestering snickeringSurrogate [SS] --
BS: Hey Chas, just finished reading the FAQ
BS: Need someone to play with, you up for me joining?
BS: Chas, you there?
BS: Guess your already playing?
BS: Whatever

Darn, Chas ain't on. Or he is playing already. Hell, the shit maybe getting down where he is. Maybe reading that FAQ was a bad idea... Anyways, you go on 4chan and wait for someone to pester you to play, as long as your the one on the server that is, YOU CONTROL YOUR OWN DESTINY! Anyways, time for more /v/.

 

[Connor Lonske]

>Connor: Try to contact someone

You quickly check pesterchum to see who is online, you see Beth is and pester her.

Spoiler: Show Pesterlog

-- backroomSix [BS] began pestering avouLeance [AL] at 06:42 --
BS: Hey
AL: Not right now
AL: I'm bussy with a poroject
BS: What, I just instaled sburb and want to play it with someone?
AL: TTYL
AL: Mines still installing
BS: What? You know I don't you leet speak.
BS: I can wait
AL: Sorry this is important
BS: What is important?
AL: It's just a ptoject and it would take to long to explain
BS: It's the evorment suit?
BS: Thingie?
AL: Sort of
AL: Now go away
BS: Fine.
-- avouLeance [AL] ceased pestering backroomSix [BS] at 06:45 --
BS: What a *****.

Man, you hate how she is always doing something crazy. Still, you have other friends, right?

Aw crap, not Xavier, anyone but him. You wait and see if anyone else joins, if not then you will pester Xavier to play with you. Ugh, you hate that guy.

Spoiler: OOC

Not gonna be back until 1-o-clock Eastern Standard Time. Don't pester me until then.

 

[Pappytech]

>Chas: When the eyes finally re-adjust, you see... something. Something beautiful. Something horrible. Something more terrifying than the dawn, and stronger than the foundations of the earth.

YOU MADE A GEORGE MICHAEL KERNALSPRITE!

Although it appears to be trying to communicate, you can't really understand it. The only sound is seems capable of making is SMOOTH SAX RIFFS. When the KERNALSPRITE realizes that it's not being understood, it floats over to the timer on the CRUXTRUDER. When Dirk helped get the KERNALSPRITE free, it had begun at 7:16, but has now counted down to 4:07. You decide you don't want to find out what happens when it reaches 0:00.

You take a quick look at the prepunched card you used with the TOTEM LATHE. It's kind of hard to make out, but it looks sort of like... a PUMPKIN?

In the meantime, you hear your FATHER making a ruckus in the KITCHEN. It sounds like he's trapped back there thanks to Dirk's placement of the CRUXTRUDER. Well, at least you won't have to deal with any guardian based shenanigans while you figure this stuff out.

Spoiler: OOC

About the cruxtrite, yeah, it should be color-coded based on a person's typing color. So, yours would be green then.

>Bethany: Winston shrugs and wonders off. You have no idea what he's planning to do, but for now you don't really care. You've managed to successfully download and install SBURB! Time to finally start playing! Now, if only you could find someone to connect with.

Spoiler: OOC

Avouleance, if you haven't read Homestuck yet, then this next part is going to get really complicated. Just follow Benndak's and CJ's lead, they know what to do.

 

[WafflesandBacon]

> Xavier: Lv. 18 SUPER SPEED STABS!
I stab near my Father at super speed.

The speed of your STABS has increased TENFOLD, your Father cannot keep up!
...However, you purposely miss all vital organs, you don't want to hurt him to much.

 

[Pappytech]

>Xavier: Your FATHER takes some light damage to his HEALTH VIAL, reducing it to 95%.

He seems to be getting tired from the exercise; he is getting old. Giving you a playful pat on the head with his BOXING GLOVE, he informs you that a MYSTERIOUS PACKAGE has arrived for you. It's currently downstairs in the DINING ROOM.

Spoiler: Edited (again) OOC

Benndak: Fine, sax riffs it is.

It's funny, makes sense in character, and leaves room for CRAZY ANTICS. These are the types of suggestions I like to get. Seriously, if you guys come up with stuff like this, let me know.

Yes. I am totally ok with that.

Connor: Then it is obvious what you must do. Challenge GEORGE MICHEALSPRITE to a saxophone duel! To the death!

So do I. That's why I think this way. Just the right mix of insanity and cheerfulness!

 

[Connor Lonske]

While on 4chan, browsing /co/ for a Regular Show thread, you get pestered by a guy you have never seen before.

>Connor: Go be nice to the guy and ask him to play Sburb.

Well, he had to of been referred to by someone cool, so you put on your nice guy attitude and pester him back.

Spoiler: Show Pesterlog

-- unopressedAgitator [UA] began pestering backroomSix [BS] at 13:31 --
UA: ok im tRyiNG somEthiNG hERE
UA: hEllo?
BS: Uh, hello?
BS: Do I know you cool guy?
UA: OH GOGDAMN I FINALLY GOT SOMEONE
BS: Yes, It's someone
BS: Call me Connor what's you face
UA: No but shut youR tRAp foR A momENt
BS: Whatever, OK?
UA: AlRiGht AlRiGht
BS: Yes
BS: cool guy?
UA: SHUTTUP AND LISTEN
BS: Ok
UA: i Am totAlly hElplEss hERE AftER somE mEAN pARAdox spAcE RElAtEd shit you kNow?
BS: Yes
BS: Go on
UA: ANd Now i NEEd somE mEAN Ass hElp
BS: OK, well if you need a sax player or a obsure cool guy, I can help
UA: ..whAt
BS: Saxphone
UA: ARE you mEssiNG with mE?
BS: No
BS: I play the Auto Sax
UA: YOU'D BETTER NOT MESS BROTHER
BS: Wait, Sebby?
UA: sEbby
BS: They have internet at your boarding school
UA: who thE FUCK is sEbby
BS: OK, never mind
UA: oh shit im wAyy to fAR iN fRoNt
BS: Hey random person, do you have Sburb?
BS: I need a player, I got the server instaled just now
UA: TAKE A RANDOM GUESS FUCKASS
UA: oh wAit
BS: Uhhh, you do have Sburb?
UA: you just iNstAlliNG
BS: I finish the first half
BS: The part that lets me control other people's lifes
UA: ...you hAvENt ENtEREd yEt hAvE you?
BS: No, no one to play with yet
UA: shit soRRy mAN i didNt mEAN to GEt oN youR cAsE likE thAt
BS: It's fine
UA: i thouGht you wERE likE kNEE dEEp iN All this shit
BS: I'm not
BS: I read a FAQ on it though
BS: It was intersting
UA: yEA its iNtEREstiNG
BS: I only read the part that expalins the basics
BS: Like how to build and control your players world
UA: uGh doNt REmiNd mE
BS: So, you wanna play cool guy?
UA: GoG mAN i told you; stuck iN somE wEiRd pARAdox spAcE shit hERE
BS: So you can't?
BS: Well that sucks
UA: listEN i Am GoiNG to hAvE to tAlk to you lAtER
BS: OK
UA: RiGht Now you just doNt GEt jAck shit
UA: so lAtER bRo
BS: chumhandle is backroomSix
-- unopressedAgitator [UA] ceased pestering backroomSix [BS] at 13:40 --
BS: Humm, who was that guy?
BS: Whatever.

You continue to browse 4chan.

 

[Pappytech]

>Rich: You decide that you should probably go search for the real SBURB DISCS. Your UNCLE may be gone now, but there's no telling when he'll get back.

As you head downstairs, you can't help but notice the PAIR OF SPANDEX SHORTS your UNCLE left outside your door. He actually expects you to wear this? Man...

Which room do you check first?

>Connor: As you browse 4chan, you keep seeing some really weird stuff. You mean, more weird than usual.

Threads that have nothing to do with video games are full of posts about SBURB. Most of the posts are written extremely poorly; all you can really make out is some stuff about meteors and danger. You can't tell if they're being serious or if this is just some well-organized trolling. In any case, you begin to feel a bit uneasy about playing.

 

[WafflesandBacon]

> Xavier: Head down stairs immediately
I un-equip my knife and head downstairs.
FINALLY! You have waited long enough for this freakin' thing!

> Xavier: Ignore the Oprah bust
You cannot ignore her, she's OPRAH! She creeps you the fuck out!

> Xavier: At least ignore Buzz and Miss Cleo
You cannot ignore them either! You hate them to much.

> Xavier: Just get your shit and get out!
You scurry into the DINNING ROOM, get your PACKAGE, and scurry back into your room!
Yeah!!!!!!!

> Xavier: Turn on your computer and pop in that sucker!
I turn on my computer. It moves slowly.
Hell y-AW FUCK!

> Xavier: Look out to sky while you wait about asteroids while you wait
Ok, you the MOON that you swore upon, some stars, and-What the hell.

> ==>
You see what seems like a GROUP OF ASTEROIDS just waiting. You don't like the look of it. You hope nothing bad happens.

> Wait...What the hell?!
It seems like an ASTEROID started to fall to Earth then just DISAPPEARED. Things are getting weird, but you don't care because you care because you have a COPY OF SBURB and SHITTY COMPUTER that's ready to go!

Pop in the sucker!
You already pop in the Player disk! You're waiting now! You watch the loading screen.
DO-DO-DO-DO-DODODODO-DO-DO-DO-DO-DODODODO-
That what the loading music would sound like if this thread had sound!

 

[Connor Lonske]

>Connorlay Sburb, I don't care with who, just do it!

You can't believe it has come to this, but now you got to play with that one asshole, ugh, Xavior. You pester him.

Spoiler: Show Pesterlog

-- backroomSix [BS] began pestering lionizedAnon [LA] at 15:19 --
LA: Oh look:sleek:
LA: It's the cool guy:sleek:
LA: Hello?:sleek:
BS: Yes
LA: No.:sleek:
LA: ...:sleek:
BS: Ugh, I can't believe I am saying this, but do you want to play Sburb?
LA: ...With you?:sleek:
BS: Yes, who else?
-- lionizedAnon [LA] bust out laughing --
LA: You?!!!1:sleek:
-- backroomSix [BS] takes out his baseball bat --
-- lionizedAnon [LA] takes his shotgun out --
-- backroomSix [BS] know he doesn't have a shot gun and only knifes --
-- backroomSix [BS] hits anon in the head --
BS: NOW FUCKING PLAY WITH ME!
LA: *Rolls eye:sleek:
LA: s*:sleek:
LA: I REALLY don't want to:sleek:
LA: I mean REALLY:sleek:
LA: REALLY:sleek:
LA: REALLY:sleek:
LA: REALLY:sleek:
BS: Well what else do you have to do?
LA: REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY :sleek:
LA: don't want':sleek:
LA: I could play with a blind monkey:sleek:
LA: That'd be interestinhg:sleek:
BS: Yeah, well a blindmonkey didn't read the FAQ all the way though and knows how to play it
LA: ...Fuck:sleek:
LA: Fuckin' fuckidy fuck:sleek:
BS: I have been reading up on this all day, you have no choice but to play with me
-- lionizedAnon [LA] rolls his eyes and sighs --
LA: Fine.:sleek:
LA: I won't like it:sleek:
BS: You instaled the player disk or the server, I only put in the server.
LA: I mean, I REALLY WON'T LIKE IT:sleek:
LA: REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY:sleek:
BS:
LA: won't like:sleek:
LA: Just get it over with:sleek:
BS: Fine, I'll conect now, but wait
LA: Fine.:sleek:
BS: Do you have pesterchum on your phone?
LA: Yes.:sleek:
LA: By the by:sleek:
LA: I hate you':sleek:
BS: Good, cause your gonna be moving around alot, and I hate you too
BS: Start up the game.
LA: I'm glad we established this:sleek:
LA: Fine:sleek:

You set up a server named "AnonSix" with a password you know he will get, "fag"

You wait for him to join.

 

[ArcNitemare]

>Greg:Read Guide on Internet

After a few minutes of searching the INTERNET for good BOOKS,you decide to take a break from that and read a guide to get the feel for this SBURB game.The one you find on GAMEFAQ,by one TT,is quite informative though at times a little bleak.You see one of your CHUMS is on so you decide to see what he is doing.

Spoiler: Show Pesterlog

[03:39:01] -- ghostKnight [GK] began pestering backroomSix [BS] at 15:39 --
[03:39:13] GK: Greetings my friend,how is the day treating you?
[03:39:19] BS: Hey Greg
[03:39:29] BS: OK I guess
[03:39:31] BS:
[03:40:00] BS: About to play Sburb with *cough*Xavior*cough cough*
[03:40:25] GK: /sigh You two aren't going to try to kill each other are you?
[03:40:42] BS: I am sure that won't happen
[03:40:49] BS: Can garentie it!
[03:40:56] BS: Could never spell that
[03:41:11] BS: Anyways, he had to go for a sec, then he is gonna join my server
[03:41:59] GK: I see
[03:42:16] BS: You start playing yet?
[03:42:26] GK: I'm still thumbing through this guide I found
[03:42:46] BS: Is it on GameFAQs?
[03:42:51] GK: Amazing at how quick those have been popping up and yes
[03:43:21] BS: Yeah, I read one all the way though, it was pretty relaxed, came from when the beta was released
[03:43:56] BS: Oh shit, he's on, got to go!
[03:44:03] GK: Ok later /bow
[03:44:03] BS: Bye
[03:44:04] -- backroomSix [BS] ceased pestering ghostKnight [GK] at 15:44 --

You think that went well,though you still hope those two won't KILL each other.

 

[WafflesandBacon]

Xavier: Be pestered by the 'cool guy'
You have no choice but ok.

Spoiler: Show pesterlog

[03:45] BS: Your ready?
[03:45] LA: where doing it man
[03:45] BS: The server is AnonSix
[03:45] LA: where making it hapen
[03:45] BS: You probly know the password
[03:45] LA: I know this.
[03:45] LA: cool guy?
[03:45] BS: fag
[03:45] LA: Charming
[03:46] BS: Yes, top word on a anon's vocab
[03:46] BS: Join.
[03:46] LA: *Rolls eyes
[03:46] -- lionizedAnon [LA] ceased pestering backroomSix [BS] at 15:46 --

> Xavier: Join Connor's server
My finger hovers the Enter button.
You hesitate.

DO IT ALREADY!
Fine. You enter the server.

 

[Connor Lonske]

>Connor: Do stuff, and stuff.

A interface comes up on your PC, in a widow. It has several buttons on it that you SOMEWHAT remember what mean, it's been a bit since you read the guide, so your are a little confused. You use the numpad arrows to move the camera and you can view all of Xavior's TWISTED room and dolls, and the mouse to highlight stuff. You look and see you have some gist, build type. You check your inventory thingie and see you have a few objects you can place, a Cruxtruder, which makes block for crafting as you remember, a Punch Designix, which takes card from the player's inventory and makes them, broken? Weird. Oh, and a Totem Lathe which, does something with the crafty block thingies. Oh yeah, and then you can spawn a Alchemiter that, does something. This is starting to get to your head. You pester Xavior.

Spoiler: Show Pesterlog

-- backroomSix [BS] began pestering lionizedAnon [LA] at 16:12 --
BS: Hey, I know what to do, sort of.
LA: Cool:sleek:
BS: We got to build a Cruxtruder first
BS: to craft stuff
LA: Coolio:sleek:
BS: Where is a open space in your house, this thing is big and heavy
LA: Probably the DINNING ROOM:sleek:
BS: Ok, I am gonna move the camra there, give me a moment.
-- backroomSix [BS] ceased pestering lionizedAnon [LA] at 16:14 --

You build the Cruxtruder in the dinning room and pester Xavior again on his phone.

Spoiler: Show Pesterlog

-- backroomSix [BS] began pestering lionizedAnon [LA] at 16:19 --
LA: What?:sleek:
BS: OK, the Cruxtruder thing is up
LA: What the hell is that?:sleek:
BS: It's makes crafting stuff
BS: I'll explain later
LA: *Rolls eyes*:sleek:
BS: just turn the nob.
BS: Pester me when your done
LA: Whatever.:sleek:
-- backroomSix [BS] ceased pestering lionizedAnon [LA] at 16:20 --

You wait and see what happens.

 

[Pappytech]

>Xavier: As you connect to Connor's server, the following music plays.


The loading screen lists a few of its actions while you wait:

Installing mirror texture
Installing surface
Installing collision detection
Setting up LOCAF
Setting up ....

And other boring stuff. No plot-teasers in that information, absolutely no spoilers at all.

Hey, you finally connected! Alright, let's do this!

 

[WafflesandBacon]

> Xavier: Turn that knob
I turn the knob.
You have a bad feeling about this.

> ==>
Nothing happens.

> ==>
I climb on top the CRUXTUDER and start jumping it.
Lousy goddamn weird machine!

> ==>
I get sprung off the CRUXTUDER.
A grey orb flies out the CRUXTUDER.

> Pester Connor

Spoiler: Show pesterlog

[04:39] LA: Cool guy
[04:39] BS: Yes
[04:39] BS: I saw
[04:39] LA: Oh.
[04:40] LA: What the hell is it then?
[04:40] LA: And what's up with the countdown?!!!1
[04:40] BS: The block can be carved by a differnet mashine
[04:40] BS: to craft stuff, I'll explian in a bit
[04:40] -- lionizedAnon [LA] facepalm --
[04:40] LA: Explain now!!!1
[04:40] BS: The guide didn't tell me what the time was for
[04:40] BS: How much time is on it?
[04:41] LA: I don't know
[04:41] BS: Hm
[04:41] -- lionizedAnon [LA] changed their mood to RANCOROUS --
[04:41] -- lionizedAnon [LA] ceased pestering backroomSix [BS] at 16:41 --

> Do something
You show the orb your STABS, intentionally missing.
...It's not that effective.

> Throw something at it
You throw the OPRAH BUST at the ORB. A light blinds you.

> Behold your new sprite
OPRAHSPRITE is created.

> Proceed to flip the fuck out
You do just that.